For the Birds
Risking this blog becoming a bookmarked favorite of ornithologists worldwide, I have another short bird tale.
I was out on the back patio two nights ago, doing a little light gardening: trimming the ivy, hacking back the damned bamboo grove, etc. When I turned my attention to lopping off big hunks of the mint that runs wild...
[Side questions for further investigation: Why did the previous owners of this home insist on growing only those types of plants that spread voraciously? Was this a case of the lady who swallowed the fly, planting a new weed to fend off the old? If so, why is there no kudzu?)
...I noticed a bird sitting rather docile among the plants. Mrs. Valentine gave it a few tentative nudges with a small garden spade to get it to leave, but it didn't move. It was alive, breathing regularly, but clearly something was wrong. I set a capful of water in front of it (the Doolittle in me coming out again), but it wasn't interested.
Deciding to let nature take its course, we retired for the evening. Yesterday, sure enough, we returned home to find the bird dead in the spot we had left it.
Having had some experience disposing of birds who have ceased-to-be ("This parrot is no more!"), I picked it up with a double grocery bag and turned the bags inside out, like a dog-owner would his pet's business from the sidewalk. I then sealed the whole bundle in a ziplock bag, and unceremoniously tossed the remains to the trash can.
Did we unknowingly purchase a house on some sort of haunted aviarian burial ground? Is this summer going to be some sort of mash between "The Birds" and "Poltergeist"?
I was out on the back patio two nights ago, doing a little light gardening: trimming the ivy, hacking back the damned bamboo grove, etc. When I turned my attention to lopping off big hunks of the mint that runs wild...
[Side questions for further investigation: Why did the previous owners of this home insist on growing only those types of plants that spread voraciously? Was this a case of the lady who swallowed the fly, planting a new weed to fend off the old? If so, why is there no kudzu?)
...I noticed a bird sitting rather docile among the plants. Mrs. Valentine gave it a few tentative nudges with a small garden spade to get it to leave, but it didn't move. It was alive, breathing regularly, but clearly something was wrong. I set a capful of water in front of it (the Doolittle in me coming out again), but it wasn't interested.
Deciding to let nature take its course, we retired for the evening. Yesterday, sure enough, we returned home to find the bird dead in the spot we had left it.
Having had some experience disposing of birds who have ceased-to-be ("This parrot is no more!"), I picked it up with a double grocery bag and turned the bags inside out, like a dog-owner would his pet's business from the sidewalk. I then sealed the whole bundle in a ziplock bag, and unceremoniously tossed the remains to the trash can.
Did we unknowingly purchase a house on some sort of haunted aviarian burial ground? Is this summer going to be some sort of mash between "The Birds" and "Poltergeist"?
posted by B.V. at 7/13/2005
2 Comments:
Our disposal method reminds me of Phil Hartman's "The Anal-Retentive Chef" from SNL.
"And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lay it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly ... [assembles the garbage] ... let's take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back ... fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square ... and ... we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully - this way, it won't leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It's really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag ... [opens bag] ...place the refuse inside ... [drops it in] ...and ... oh no, this bag is torn.. [looks around] Well ... no, that's alright. We'll just fold over, and no one will see. We'll fold it over twice to be careful ... then we get our tape. [grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy] And, we tape it shut - be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [holds up bag] All ready for the trash. Now that's some garbage you can live with! [laughs]"
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