The Subscription Prescription

I travel a bit for work. Unlike many other people, I have never been disciplined about using a particular airline or hotel or rental car agency. As a result, I have miles and credits scattered across several programs, but not enough to cash in for a free trip anywhere. I was offered a free roundtrip from Dulles to BWI, but it would have required staying overnight on a Tuesday.

So poking around one airline's website, I found a link to Magazines for Miles, where you cash in small amounts of miles for subscriptions.

I went a little crazy.

The following titles now appear regularly at the Valentine home or office:

Time
Newsweek
American Heritage
Spin
Fast Company
ESPN
Forbes
Conde Nast Traveler
Everyday Food
Food and Wine
Wired
Martha Stewart Living
Parents
Business Week
Cook's Illustrated
Highlights for Children

Not all were from the program. A few were gifts. Only two I think were paid for with 'real' money.

My wife has reluctantly accepted this stream of magazines pouring in our mailbox, so long as I dispose of the issues promptly and do not allow magazine clutter to build. Many of the titles come to my place of employement and sit displayed on my coffee table. This has turned my office into a kind of reading room where bored employees come to peruse and chat.

I wonder what the demographers make of our household, given this assortment of mags.

"The Valentine family is rich and poor. Nearly retirement, while just starting their family. They treasure history and tradition, and are on the cutting edge of pop culture..."

I also wonder if anyone has written a scholarly exploration of the airlines becoming sort of de facto banks who have to issue, exchange, and deal in this currency of their own creation. But that's probably another post.

I must be content-starved. In election-years, I consume vast amount of data and spit out analyses and recommendations. Even though the hustings are over, I still have a continuing drive to read and process information.

Tomorrow morning, I hit the road for a couple days. Cross-country travel is a prime opportunity to catch up on some reading, AND earn a few extra miles for that next subscription.

I would love to add Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, and Nursing Made Incredibly Easy to the list.

Academy Award for Breast Actress

And the nominees are:

Salma Hayek
Virginia Madsen
Don Cheadle's girlfiend Bridgid Coulter
and perennial nominee Mickey Rooney.

A Lifetime Achievement Award in the category was given to Faye Dunaway. Check out the face on the dude over her right shoulder. He is checking her OUT.

Anyone Want To Go Halfsies?

I think if I start saving now, I should be able to afford one of these carnival rides to take to the beach this summer:

"Dollar for Dollar, the best thrill ride value in the amusement business," the Starship 2000 is available but no price is listed. Don't worry, that little problem they had last year of it ejecting passengers has been fixed.

If that is a little too exciting for you, come aboard the Renegade Pirate Ship, a "walk-through" certain to quicken the pulse with all the horror of a elementary school haunted house. A bargain at only $185,000.

What? Too steep? Don't worry, "Wisdom Industries is pleased to carry quality used rides for sale at great prices."

How about a 1968 ferris wheel for just $30,000, or an old-fashioned Super Swinger for $35,000. Now that's reasonable.

Don't think of it as a purchase. Think of it as an investment in your child's future. Instead of money for college, give them an experience they can use to write an unique college admission essay which will ensure a full scholarship.

Don't have the cash? Use the equity in your home, or sell some of you unused internal organs. Make that extra kidney work FOR you.

PR Decoder Ring- Home Depot

I love press releases. As with the entry on Bud Extra, I read them with a sense of awe and wonder. Its almost as if the PR flacks are space aliens who come from a planet where words that sound like English evolved independently, but each word is 95% likely to have a different or completely opposite meaning from the word as used on Earth.

Earnings releases are interesting, in that they seem to be pretty boilerplate. A good earnings release contains: red meat for shareholder, lots of self-congratulation for the executives, a nod to all the hard-working employees "who make all this possible," and a rosy forecast of unhindered growth and profits until at least the year 2145. Sprinkle with corporate responsibility, and voila!

The following is my "translation" of a recent release:

The Home Depot Announces Record Fourth Quarter and Fiscal Year 2004 Results

From the PR Newswire

---

The Home Depot(R) (NYSE: HD), the world's largest home improvement retailer, today reported diluted earnings per share of $2.26, up 20.2 percent, on record net earnings of $5 billion for fiscal 2004, compared to diluted earnings per share of $1.88 on net earnings of $4.3 billion in fiscal 2003... Sales for fiscal 2004 increased 12.8 percent over fiscal 2003 to $73.1 billion and comparable store sales grew by 5.4 percent.

The layoffs worked! Suck on that, Lowes.

---

"I want to personally thank all of our 325,000 associates for their hard work in delivering another year of record performance," said Bob Nardelli, chairman, president & CEO. "...As we move into 2005 with significant momentum, we have unwavering commitment to our strategy of enhancing the core, extending the business and expanding our markets. We will focus on customer satisfaction and continued improvement in the execution of our strategy to deliver sustainable, profitable growth and shareholder returns well into the future."

”I want to personally thank” = I want to thank in a cold and detached manner, via this press release

”we have unwavering commitment” = until I get a better offer.

from Wall $treet Week from April 2003 - “check out the employment contract of Bob Nardelli, the ex-GE man who joined Home Depot in late 2000... First comes the "make-whole payment." In Nardelli's case, that entailed reimbursing him for all the goodies he forfeited by leaving General Electric: $50,400 in cash, a $10 million loan, and a stock option grant of 3.5 million shares, a million of which came fully vested. The whole point of forfeiture rules is to induce CEOs to stay put. The whole point of the make-whole payment is to undermine them. It's a virtuous cycle -- for the CEOs”

"enhancing... extending... expanding" = trim more salary fat, increase mark-ups, merge with Krispy Kreme

---

"Through the company's combination of innovative and distinctive merchandise as well as a compelling shopping experience, The Home Depot registered a record average ticket of $54.89 for fiscal 2004, representing an increase of 7.3 percent from fiscal 2003.”

"innovative and distinctive merchandise" = 3,200 new paint colors developed every day, high-end convection ovens that radiate material envy in a three block radius, longer nails, more rubbery rubber tubing…

"compelling shopping experience" = the number of despair-induce customer suicides in the decorative hardware aisle is WAY down

---

"John Costello, executive vice president, Merchandising and Marketing. "Our customers are responding to the improved shopping experience we are providing through our store modernization program.””

Customers love that we hosed-down the restrooms, placed most of the merchandize in the proper aisles, and gave our employees new logo vests with the motivational service mark “You can do it. We can help.”

---

"During the year, the company invested in its associates through new learning programs, providing approximately 23 million hours of training and development.”

Elementary English and math classes

---

In addition, The Home Depot will pay a record $90 million to associates through its Success Sharing program, nearly double what it paid in 2003.

$90 million, 325,000 employees… $277 per person for the year. Assume 50 weeks per year and 40 hours per week, that’s NEARLY 14 cents per hour.

---

”During the fourth quarter, the company opened another urban store in Manhattan, on 59th Street. The company's urban formats differ in size, structure, merchandise and services offered based on location, and demonstrate The Home Depot's flexible business model.”

It’s a 6’x4’ street vendor that sells newspapers, hot dogs, and Starbucks coffee.

Who Wants To Be President? (archives)

(Today's press release/Presidents' Day quiz from Encyclopaedia Britannica reminded me of a piece I wrote for Cloakroom.com back in November 1999. Two events had a head-on collision in my brain, and hilarity ensued. The first was the infamous pop quiz given to then Governor George W. Bush by a local TV reporter. The second was the sudden popularity of the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" gameshow.)

Who Wants To Be President?

By Basil Valentine, Special To
Cloakroom
National Journal Group, Inc.
Thursday, Nov. 11, 1999

During a closed-door session before November sweeps, WHDH reporter Andy Hiller pitched NBC TV executives with an idea for a new prime-time game show that offers Presidential hopefuls a chance to answer twelve multiple choice questions and walk away with the job of Chief Executive.

The rules are just like “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” including three lifelines. You can: call a trusted advisor, commission a poll of 1,000 likely voters, or read George Will’s column. What follows are some never-before-seen first draft questions to that game show, which never made it on the air.

***Who Wants To Be A President?***
with host Andy Hiller

Sam Donaldson looks more like:
A) A anthropomorphic spider
B) A Vulcan
C) President of the Hair Club For Men
D) Not just the president of the Hair Club, but also a client

Thimphu is the capital of:
A) Guam
B) Canada
C) New Hampshire
D) Bhutan

Cap’n Crunch:
A) Heads the Joints Chiefs of Staff
B) Is the Tidy-Bowl Man’s direct superior
C) Died in the Battle of Trafalgar
D) Is a breakfast cereal

Which is real royalty:
A) The Duke of Earl
B) King Vitamin
C) Prince Valiant
D) Prince Charles

Which of these is a Civil War battlefield:
A) Fox Trot
B) Bull Durham
C) Logan’s Run
D) Bull Run

What weighs more, a pound of lead or a pound of feathers:
A) Feathers
B) Lead
C) It’s a trick question. The feathers are made of lead, right?
D) The same

Which of the following groups is not mentioned on the inscription on the Statue of Liberty:
A) The Tired and Poor
B) The Huddled Masses
C) The Wretched Refuse
D) Haitians

Mao ZeDong and Mao Tse Tung are:
A) The original members of Milli Vanilli
B) Sweet & sour pork and sweet & sour chicken
C) Pokemon characters
D) The same person

Which is not one of the four main branches of the US military
A) Army
B) Navy
C) Marines
D) Texas Air Reserves

In her book, “Promiscuities,” Naomi Wolf argues that young girls should be taught:
A) How to detect fraternity members by scent alone
B) That cigarettes only make you cool if you also have a drink in your hand
C) Useful skills that will help them lead fulfilling lives
D) Masturbation

Boris Yeltsin was recently accused of:
A) Dancing to incite a riot
B) Being WC Fields
C) Sobriety
D) Receiving illegal payments

And finally,
Have you ever done an illegal drug?
A) I’m stoned now
B) What have you got?
C) “Illegal” as defined in which country?
D) I’m not going to play “gotcha” politics.

You Ought To Know

The Associated Press is reporting that "Singer Alanis Morisette Becomes U.S. Citizen."

In a written statement, Ms. Morisette threatened to move back to Canada if George W. Bush is re-elected President in 2008.

Her publicist later explained she had failed that portion of the citizenship exam.

Tiny Earl

At the bottom of the blog is now a little dialog box for TinyURL.com, an interesting tool that creates shortcuts for the ridiculously long links people email to each other.

For instance, the link to the McDonalds Trip Planner for Missouri to Seattle (see "I'm Drivin' It") looks like this:
go.mappoint.net/mcdonaldsx/PrxDriveResults.aspx?
&isTrip=1&LOC_O=38.6275611151168%3a-
90.1989727451898&CT_O=38.6275611151168%3a-
90.1989727451898%3a24.9376971817917%
3a18.7032728863438&DSN_O=MapPoint.NA&GAD
2_O=&GAD3_O=St.+Louis%2c+Missouri%2c+United
+States&IC_O=38.6275611151168%3a-90.19897274
51898%3a28%3a&GAD4_O=USA&LOC_D=47.60341
66468487%3a-122.329562299142&CT_D=47.603416
6468487%3a-122.329562299142%3a35.6252816882
738%3a26.7189612662054&DSN_D=MapPoint.NA&
GAD2_D=&GAD3_D=Seattle%2c+Washington%
2c+United+States&IC_D=47.6034166468487%3a-122.
329562299142%3a101%3a&GAD4_D=USA

After running that through TinyURL, this link was returned: http://tinyurl.com/42jdn

I don't know how long TinyURL saves the link, but the new one will redirect you to the original site you wanted. Helps reduce the messy text strings that sometimes get screwed up when being forwarded.

The website http://www.makeashorterlink.com/ provides a similar service.

I'm Drivin' It

Move over Mapquest, go away Google Maps, finally there is an online mapping software that provides clear and concise directions with a little something extra.

The McDonald's USA Trip Planner, powered by Microsoft Mappoint, provides your standard list of directions with turns, distances, and manuever maps. In addition, however, is a function critical to most long distance drives: the location of every McDonalds restaurant within up to two miles of your planned course.

For instance, the trip from the 22301 zip code (current residence) to 44060 (my hometown) is nearly 384 miles, with 43 McDonalds within 0.5 miles of the route. That is, one McDonalds for approximately every 9 miles.

And using the Bag a McMeal engine, I can calculate how many calories I could consume along the way. Assuming I stop at every McDonalds, and eat one double Quarter-Pounder with cheese, a large french fry (with one ketchup packet), and a large Coke (diet) at each stop, I would consume 54,610 calories by the time I pull into Mentor.

Since I think we are still "celebrating" Lewis and Clark, I punched up the directions for a modern trip from St. Louis to Seattle (close enough). 2,145 miles, 82 Mickie-Dees, or one every 26 miles (limiting to locations within 1/2 mile of the route). I wonder what the most McDonalds-dense trip in America is.

A Jury Of His Peers

As recent stories have pointed out, selecting a jury of Michael Jackson's "peers" will be an interesting challenge in the upcoming trial. I have retained my own services as an expert in jury-selection to produce this partial list of the ideal jurors the Jackson defense team will want:

This green guy.

This society lady.

This superhero.

Either one of these two people.

Reebok

Have you ever asked yourself "What do icons Allen Iverson, Jay-Z and Lucy Liu all have in common?"

No?

Don't worry, before you've even had the chance to dream it up, Reebok answered it in this press release today. The answer?

They are all individuals who stand out from the crowd
because they are true to themselves, challenge the status
quo and do things in their own unique way. In short, they
perfectly embody Reebok's brand position -- celebrating
individuality and authenticity -- and its new global
advertising campaign: "I Am What I Am."

I Am What I Am???

Is this a Biblical reference, as in the reply to Moses's inquiry to the burning bush? (Note: if you are ever Google image-searching for keywords "burning bush," makes sure the SafeSearch feature is on. Youch!)

Or is it a more animatedly nautical reference? Perhaps Nike should rush a "Strong to the Finish" campaign into production and out-Popeye them.

The press release contains other gems:

"The 'I Am What I Am' marketing campaign which
celebrates authenticity and individuality is both
relevant and inspiring for young consumers," said
Dennis Baldwin, Reebok's global chief marketing officer.
"We understand the struggle for today's youth
to both fit in and stand out as individuals."

Amazing and purely coincidental that this new brand strategy is launching almost exactly one year after Mr. Baldwin ascended to the position of global chief marketing officer. He looks like he understands "today's youth," doesn't he?

The "I Am What I Am" television ads feature
unique portraits of authentic celebrities.
Directed by famed director Jake Scott -- son of
legendary director Ridley Scott -- the spots reveal
the essential truths of who the celebrities are
away from the cameras.

You know... Jake Scott, the famed director of the smash epic film "Plunkett and Macleane" and a few music videos. Wow, how did they land him for this gig?

Then there is the superpower ad agency that dreamed it up. "mcgarrybowen" as they are named in a sort of e e cumming understated style, won the Reebok account in early November last year. It is just astounding that they have been able to put together such a brilliant concept in so little time.

From mcgarrybowen's press release:

Launched in 2002, the agency develops innovative
strategies and breakthrough creative solutions for
some of the world's leading companies and brands.
mcgarrybowen will work with Reebok to develop
strategy and creative that drives the overall brand
position, as well as Reebok’s sports performance initiatives.

I can't find how much the account is worth mcgarrybowen (Reebok is dropping $50 mil worldwide), but they certainly made a profit compared to what it took to come up with "celebrating individuality and authenticity" as a brand positioning statement, and "I Am What I Am" as the campaign theme.

As a USA Today story notes, each ad will show a picture of a celebrity next to some image that reveals their personal self. Visually interesting, maybe. Compelling, perhaps. Get you in a must-buy-Reeboks mood, probably not.

Maybe this differentiates them from Nike, but I doubt it. I would think they need to draw a more distinct explicit contrast between their values of individuality and authenticity, and Nike's which I would place somewhere at performance and a winning-spirit. It will be interesting to see if after six months of this planned eighteen-month campaign, they hold their course, go after Nike more fiercely, or abandon the whole thing.

The Most Awesome Conference Ever

Start saving your pennies. The Arlington Institute is holding TAICON "Tools for the Development of Humanity" in April of this year. This dude is one of the speakers. Badass, right? I'd go to a lecture from this guy in a heartbeat. That's just a start. The basic gist is as follows: "The two-day program for The Arlington Institute's Conference, Tools for the Development of Humanity, will consist of well-known experts and individuals involved in fostering a new framework to enable change in humanity's objectives and behaviors for the emergence of new social systems."

What a cast of characters they have assembled:

"John Smart is responsible for the Acceleration Watch portal, dedicated to helping people to understand and better manage accelerating change in the closing decades of the era of non-intelligent machines."

"Professor [Anthony] Weston proposes a different kind of environmentalism, arguing that we must restore our link with the "more-than-human" world, bringing wilderness, animals, and the Earth closer to individuals and into daily life."

"As one who seeks to integrate quantum physics with agricultural practices, Hugh Lovel has always sought to understand life."

"William Crossman, founder and director of the CompSpeak 2050 Institute for the Study of Talking Computers and Oral Cultures, is a philosopher, futurist, professor, speaker, consultant, and author concerned with the issues of education, information technology, language and culture, and human rights."

I am going to write them and ask if they have considered inviting Dr. Hans Zarkov and noted futurist Conan O'Brien.

An Open Letter To Salon.com (archives)

(It is in the papers today that David Talbot, founder and editor in chief of Salon.com is stepping down. Having finally posted its first profit, he is deciding to leave on a high note. Which reminds me of a day back in January 2000, the 25th to be exact. Salon "sex columnist" Dan Savage went undercover at the Gary Bauer campaign HQ in Des Moines. In his piece, archived here, he talked about how he had the flu at the time and decided to try and infect candidate Bauer, as a sort of revenge. The piece generated some minor controversy over journalistic blah blah blah, but I thought he was on to something. Thus, in an open letter, sent to several staff writers and editors at Salon (including Talbot) and published on cloakroom.com, I offered my congratulations.)

An Open Letter To Salon.com

By Basil Valentine, Special To
Cloakroom
National Journal Group Inc.
Monday, Jan. 31, 2000

Having read Salon.com writer Dan Savage's attempt to infect Gary Bauer and his Iowa campaign team with the flu, I was impressed. Politics is war, as any young hack with a worn and misunderstood copy of Sun Tzu in his back pocket will tell you, but germ warfare?

Brilliant!

I am certain that you folks at Salon will be scrambling to send a pack of eager and disease-ridden reporters to New Hampshire and beyond, to spread a little of the fever of Savage's piece.

In that vein, allow me to cough up a few ideas for your consumption:

Sick fictional call-girl Nancy Chan on Steve Forbes (an equally fictional invention) and lay into him with genital herpes. A benefit is that it may be the first time Steve Forbes has sex. The drawback is that some readers may accidentially visualize what Steve Forbes having sex looks like. Making readers nauseated may sound like fun, but most advertisers seem to feel that web-surfers will not click on banner ads while projectile vomiting. This has been proven in focus groups.

Instead of giving away all the tainted milk for free, I will give you the other six diseases (for Gore, Bradley, Bush, McCain, Keyes, and Buchanan) in random order. To achieve maximum exposure, you will have to match each candidate with his best possible disease. There was over seven hundred possible combinations, so you must write me back with an offer for the correct one. Each disease is listed with a possible drawback.

1. Typhus: (only transmitted via parasitic insect... no, wait, that won't be a problem).

2. Arteriosclerosis: (will mean slipping several tons of bacon, unnoticed, into candidate's diet over the next several weeks).

3. Ebola Zaire: (journalist may "bleed out" before having a chance to file).

4. The Munchies: (not really a disease, but can really be debilitating. May require some high-grade weed. Hint: Do you have any writers who ever worked for the Tennessean?)

5. Viral Meningitus: (symptoms include fever, headache, stiff neck and fatigue. It may not really be that noticeable in a presidential candidate).

6. Diaper Rash: (requires that candidate wears soiled undergarments for extended period... more of a challenge than a problem).

Yours (and awaiting your response), Basil Valentine

-----------------

I received one encouraging response from a Salon journalist, who no longer works there.

Not Quite Durable Goods

One of the last pieces of information from my Bachelors in Econ degree still floating around in my head is the concept of ‘durable goods.’ They are goods that are used but not used up, and generally can be expected to function for a minimum of three years. Your car is a durable good. The gasoline in its tank is not.

The purchase of the Gillette company by Proctor and Gamble got me started thinking about this, specifically an “analysis and commentary” in the 2/14/05 BusinessWeek. Frankly, I found both the “analysis” and “commentary” lacking. To paraphrase Letterman’s old reply to viewer mail that was the result of a collaborative effort… it took four of you to write this piece?

What I was interested in was the description of the efforts by both P&G and Gillette in recent months to create products whose purchase in turn creates a lasting demand for other products.

The razor companies have done this for years. You buy the Gillette or Schick body, then spend an obnoxious amount of money every few months for new blades. Of course, the companies would say that the ‘per shave’ cost is still very cheap. Also, theft is so prevalent that us honest folk are subsidizing razor blades for shoplifters.

For example, enjoy this tongue-in-cheek number off the police blotter of the
Capital-Gazette (Annapolis, MD):

Police beat: Jan. 24
Blade theft cut short

Two Prince George's County men who allegedly tried to take more than $1,000 in razor blades from a city grocery store couldn't make a clean getaway…

..According to police reports, an employee told police he saw the two men cleaning out the razor cartridges in each checkout lane. The employee stopped the two men and held them while waiting for police.

Police said the two men stuffed more than $1,222 worth of razors down their pants..."

Don’t feel too bad about the companies’ losses, they are taking steps to reduce shrink (beside putting blades under lock and key, adding RFID technology), and are still making a hefty profit anyway. But see the marriage of durable and consumable goods? The body of the razor essentially lasts forever, the razor heads do not.

Gillette struck a brilliant move by creating the M3Power razor. It contains s Duracell battery (another Gillette product) powering the Braun motor (also Gillette owned). When operating, the product is supposed to make even shy facial hairs go all erect so they can be lopped off as close as possible to your tender flesh. You still have to buy replacement razors (more expensive than earlier models, of course), plus you need to replace the battery every few months.

Proctor and Gamble has been busy too.

Royal Appliance arranged a license agreement to use P&G’s Swiffer brand in conjunction with its own Dirt Devil. The marriage resulted in a light, lower-power, rechargeable cordless vacuum with a Swiffer cloth on the end. Whatever the cloth misses, the pitch goes, the vacuum will suck up. P&G didn’t really need to lift a finger on this one.

The BusinessWeek piece also highlights the oscillating P&G’s Tide StainBrush (which incidentally borrowed technology from the Crest Spinbrush Pro, also in the P&G family). You pour Tide detergent in, and "The fabric-safe bristles rotate back and forth, working Tide Liquid into the fabric and loosening stains. It does the work so you don't have to!"

If I were writing the ad copy, I would continue “Because those who manually rub detergent into a stain before washing are Communist Luddites. It is so tiresome and labor-intensive. Those of you who don’t buy the Tide StainBrush probably just beat your clothes against rocks by the riverside instead of using a washing machine like the rest of the civilized world.”

These developments raise a couple questions for me:

Should the definition and accounting of 'durable goods' be bifurcated into ‘durable goods that need consumables to function’ and ‘durable goods that do not’? Cars need fuel, oil, fluids, tune-ups, replacement parts, etc. A chair, theoretically, does not need maintenance. Used in a regular fashion by people of about average weight, it can go for years without help. You may decide to dust it or wipe it down, which would incur a small cost from time to time. Is their some sort of ratio of the value of consumables needed to maintain the durable good over its life, which if met, should then classify that durable good as one that needs help?

It would seem to make sense that an increase in orders of ‘durable good that need consumables to function’ would be better for the economy than for ‘durable goods that do not’ over time, because the purchase of ‘durables needing consumables’ (for shorter) would imply steady purchase of consumable goods over the life of the durable.

That’s a question for the real economists. Probably someone has already thought of this.

The other question is about the benefit to companies of these durable and consumer brand marriages. There is nothing to stop you from buying some other battery than Duracell later to put in your M3Power, but I would guess it is “rising tide” thinking: anything that drives up the consumption of AAA batteries in general will drive up Duracell sales of AAA batteries to some lesser extent. But from the images online, I do not even see a Duracell brand on the body.

This is what the Tide StainBrush and the Crest SpinBrush do. The durable good was a brand extension of the consumable good, thus the Tide and Crest logos are clearly displayed. So you see an ad for the consumable every time you use the durable… does that increase sales of Tide detergent, the consumable, significantly?

I’ll ask it in a simplified equation:

% Tide market share before introduction of Tide StainBrush =A
Permanent increase in % market share following introduction of Tide StainBrush = B
Overall value of consumption of liquid detergent before introduction of Tide StainBrush = C
Overall value of increased consumption of detergent as a result of introduction of Tide StainBrush =D (people will use more detergent per load)

“B” is the grab for market share, while “D” is the “rising tide” factor(no pun actually intended, since when most people say ‘no pun intended’ they are lying). Do you get a bigger slice of the pie, or do you grow the pie and benefit as a result?

So by how much does the revenue generated by (A+B) x (C+D) exceed that generated by A x C?

This, of course, ignores the Tide StainBrush itself and the revenue from its sales.

P&G must be doing something right, the BusinessWeek piece says their “sales growth is running at 8% a year, excluding acquisitions”.

Which leads me to my third question, which is, what marriage of consumables and durables will we see next?

*) Auto manufacturers strike a deal with oil companies to co-brand a car... The Ford Exxon? The Honda BP Hybrid?

*) Charmin Toilet Seats, which are softer and more comfortable than the average seat.

Ok, so maybe those are a little ‘out there.’

Finally, I’ll end on the following tangentially related note: Whenever I see the results of surveys or focus groups that confirm common knowledge, I mockingly call it “research from the University of Duh.” This latest installment comes from the BusinessWeek article about P&G,

“When research showed that girls wanted to know more about Tampax, P&G shifted a chunk of advertising from TV to print and created a Web site called Beinggirl.com”

How many tens of thousands of market research dollars were spent on that nugget of wisdom? Putting myself in the shoes of the lead researcher, I’ll write his executive summary paragraph: ‘Our intensive data-mining efforts, combined with months of ethnology and cool-hunting, has led us to the conclusion that 96% of tampon users are in fact women. And younger women, who have never used a tampon, know less about tampons than older women who have. Finally, after age 50, interest in tampons begins to trail off dramatically.’

Misguided Tactical Vomit - 2

"We want Green Day to be a kind of house band for MTV2, the way people feel about MTV being the Eminem Network," says Tom Calderon, executive vice president of talent and music.

Nice long-term strategy, moron.

The article makes it clear there wil actually be little alteration of programming, and the changes will be largely cosmetic.

Confusing tactics with strategy.

Check out the programmed spontaneity, and heavily researched rebellion at MTV2's pre-re-launch website.

Of course, if a "relaunch" sounds familiar, that's because it is.

The Only Book on Management (archives).

This is a couple years old. Originally a powerpoint presentation. I lumped all the slides together here.

Standard office humor parody stuff. All free clip-art from Microsoft.

"Beautiful Evidence"

Edward Tufte is at it again.

Although the link will not be active by sometime in February, Tufte has posted a draft chapter of his new book.

Tufte has a big brain, a Scanners brain, comic book type brain, a capable of shooting mind bullets brain...

My favorite sentence in the chapter: "From scientific reports to political speeches, few things are more appalling than listening to the inept arguments and rhetorical ploys of one's allies."

Conde Nasty

I stumbled across Conde Nast publications 'media kit' website, actually a comprehensive ad buyer's guide.

Listed are their 17 magazines, with circulation data and ad rates.

I entered some of the data into a spreadsheet (excluding Vogue, which provided scant data), and ran a simple scatterplot of their circulation (ratebase) versus the rate quoted for a full-page, four-color ad that runs once. Microsoft Excel then helpfully calculated a trendline and equation to describe the nature of the relationship.

On average, you can make a rough guess of the cost for a Conde Nast magazine ad with the following equation:

(RATEBASE * 5.09%) + $33,649 = FULL PAGE, 4-COLOR AD RUN ONCE COST

Each blue dot on the scatter represents a magazine. Those above and to the left of the line cost more than the estimator would suggest, while those beneath and to the right cost less than the estimator calculates.

Two newer publications, Cargo and Domino (one a year old, the other just launching), appear to selling at rates lower than the equation would estimate. Makes sense, given their un-tested nature.

On the other hand, Vanity Fair stands out as a magazine with ad costs above what one would suspect (more than $20,000). The median household income and gender purity (two potentially desirable traits when targeting ads) do not suggest that those are factors. Bon Appetit has a higher ratebase, higher median income, and nearly the same gender purity, but would seem to be undervalued.

What is it about Vanity Fair, I wonder?

The photograph on the front page of the media kit made me ready to open my wallet, sure, but would it arouse a marketer?

Apparently Editor-in-Chief Graydon Carter, and Publisher Louis Cona have a good track record of bringing in the sweet moolah (thanks Kip and Uncle Rico, wherever you are), even during the period of 2001 and 2002 when advertising dollars had dried up.

I then thought perhaps V.F. charges a premium for placing a single ad, but gives a better discount on multiple issues. A quick look at the tables suggests this is not so. Say you wanted to purchase 48 full-page, four-color ads in Vanity Fair. The per page cost drops to 81% of what buying just one page would have been. Quick calculations suggests this is true of GQ, Allure, and Bon Appetit as well, so I'm not bothering to do the math for the rest, I'll assume it is true.

Of course, there are probably other factors involved that I am not taking into account. So I'm dropping an email to the Vanity Fair box at the Media Kit's website, and asking them why they cost more than other Conde Nast publications.

Will update if a response.

Somebody Shake Me

Thirty-two years, two months, five days- the precise moment in life at which grinding one's own coffee in the morning finally loses its allure.

I stood there, grasping the worn and well-used black Krups, its 160-watt motor pushing the 'rotating knives' (as Cleese once said) in infinite circles. I shake the device as it performs its task upon the Breakfast Blend. Not out of anger, mind you, but because of centrifugal force.

The Krups (as well as most other brands I would imagine) not only acts as a grinder, you see, but as a kind of centrifuge. As it pulverizes the beans, it also separates the large pieces from the smaller ones. The larger chunks are thrown to the edges of the containment unit, outside of the reach of the blades, while the smaller pieces get ground further. As a result, a straight 15-second blast of the motor results in a mixture of larger chunks (from which you cannot extract a lot of brew from a standard drip machine), and finer powder (which passed through our gold-tone filter, resulting in coffee sediment at the bottom of the pot).

That is why I shake it like a Polaroid picture. Hey ya. Shaking brings the big pieces back towards the center so they can continue to be cut down to size.

So I'm shaking the Krups, enjoying the brief whiff of ozone immediately followed by a more permanent odor of roast coffee. Cheap electric motor creates two ozone molecules for every three oxyegn molecules. Yes, while oxygen is an element, its standard form in our atmosphere (what we breathe) is two oxygen atoms bound together. Ozone is three oxygen atoms together, a sort of chemical menage and just as unstable. Ask Dr. Science for more, he's got a Masters Degree... in Science!

"Why am I doing this?" I ask myself. Not aloud, although technically my daughter would have been within earshot, so I could have been asking her. She is fifteen months old, however, and not entirely familiarized with metaphysics.

Most households consume coffee quickly enough that keeping whole beans for longer-term storage purposes is pointless. Pre-ground coffee will maintain its freshness long enough to finish the pound. Grinding coffee, thus, is a snob's chore, busywork for the effete middle-class.

And that's where I am. I buy premium coffee, but it is just Starbucks, and at the grocery store, not from sniffing Vente Barrista bored with me the moment I pass through his portal.

I think I originally bought a grinder because I was an early adapter coffee snob. The coffee house (and it literally was an old converted house) on campus (Cleveland, '91-'95) nurtured me, sustained me, addicted me to the point that I would become aghast and indignant if any other coffee shop claimed that it was not possible to make an iced Cafe Voltaire.

"Stupid gits," I would smugly think to myself each morning as I exposed the collection of soluble molecules trapped in each bean moments before using boiling water to extract them. "Their pre-ground coffee has been sitting for God-knows how long, the tasty volatile chemicals slowly evaporating over time. They'll be left with nothing but a dreary cup of brown water."

And that's true, to some extent. That's why I still have the jar of whole nutmeg I purchased years ago. When I need some spice, I just grind a little fresh batch, knowing that the mildly hallucinogenic substance contained therein has been waiting patiently for me to unlock it.

This morning, however, the last vestiges of me giving the slightest shit disappeared. Those specific volatile chemicals in my ego, ground up long ago, finally drifted entirely off into the atmosphere.

I would like to end this with some grander realization, some epiphany that takes this episode and applies it to my entire life. I'm not feeling it, though. I will remain satisfied with this small powdery piece of understanding, while the larger chunks remain outside the reach of my spinning blades.

Somebody shake me.

Savory Sauce Reflux, er Redux

A response to my queries (see "Savory Sauce" entry for explanation).
God bless them, they get jokes.

------------
From: Iams Customer Service [mailto:Customer.Service@Iams.Com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 01, 2005 10:30 AM
To: basil.valentine@gmail.com
Subject: Hello from Sharon @ Iams

Dear Basil:

Thank you for writing with such an important question about our new Iams Savory Sauce.

Iams Savory Sauce is safe for human consumption. Actually, it might even taste better than the gravies we buy for ourselves.

Iams Savory Sauce contains the same proportions of vitamins and minerals as Iams dog foods, except at lower levels. This product is intended to be a healthy complement to our dog foods.

If you have additional questions, please contact us anytime through our E-mail Us Now page located on our web sites at www.iams.com or www.eukanuba.com. We would also welcome your call Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. and on Saturday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Eastern
Time at 800-525-4267.

Thank you for your interest in Iams!

Sincerely,
Sharon
Iams Consumer Care, North America


The Iams Company is proud of having over 50 years of nutritional excellence, dedicated to enhancing the well-being of dogs and cats by providing world-class quality foods and pet care products. Iams and Eukanuba are registered trademarks of The Iams Company.
------------

From: Iams Customer Service [mailto:Customer.Service@Iams.Com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 01, 2005 10:40 AM
To: basil.valentine@gmail.com
Subject: Hello again from Sharon @ Iams

Dear Basil:

Mr. Biggles sounds like he has a hearty appetite! I will certainly forward your suggestion on to our product development team. Although, I am not sure the "human flesh" would meet the quality standards we set in choosing ingredients.

The Washington Examiner

The Washington Examiner officially launches today.

Editorial Page Editor Dave Matsio offers these thoughts on the nature of their "experiment." The part that caught my eye was the introduction of a "Publius" section, by which public figures can write Op-Eds under the protection of anonymity. A concept near to my heart...

Haven't seen a hard copy of the paper yet, but I'll be hunting around for it.