A Horror Story

Let's say you are an employee for an association in Washington DC. You have worked there for about a year and a half.

The association has a leadership change, and the new team brings in "consultants" like in Office Space. You are recently married, but have postponed your honeymoon for a short while. You and the rest of the approximately 60-person staff are put through the wringer of interviews in which you are forced to justify your existence.

Finally, you take a week off for your honeymoon. You return over the weekend to messages from co-workers that massive firings/lay-offs occurred while you were gone, in which about a third of the staff were let go.

You go online from home to check your work email. Your password does not work.

You are suspicious. You use a public address to send your work account a note. You shortly receive a message saying that the person you just sent the email to no longer works at the association.

You have just been fired by auto-reply.

I am not this person. I have never met this person. I know several people who formerly worked with this person.

Regardless of any possible justification for the firing (of which I know no details), that is unbelievably unprofessional, callous, and downright cold.

Crime TV

On TV nowadays, crimes are less frequently solved using old-fashioned detective work, and rely more on the fields of forensics, entomology, OCD germaphobic brilliance, extra-sensory perception, and high-powered mathematics.

What other abilities and disciplines, with even less of a connection to criminology, will appear in next season's batch of shows?


Here are my suggestions:

"Hard Times"- a beautiful PhD candidate in Geology, and a wizened old Chronologer (who never leaves his home adorned with hundreds of different types of clocks), team up to help the police solve crimes using their combined knowledge.

"Checkout"- a troubled high school student who works nights in an urban grocery store learns he has the uncanny ability to profile criminals based solely on the brand of laundry detergent and type of pasta they buy.

"Holy Rollers"- a former Baptist minister-turned street cop, and his partner, an agnostic rookie who gave up a potential career in extreme sports, are an unlikely crime-fighting duo whose theology and life-threatening acrobatics find a unique synergy.

CBS Seeks Opinions

Dashed off this short email to some of the programming heads at CBS/Viacom after reading this New York Times article about revamping the CBS Evening News.

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Read about the meeting last week. Sorry I couldn't make it. I've been bringing myself up to speed and wanted to share a few thoughts in anticipation of our next get-together.

Some ideas for spicing up the broadcast/increasing viewership:

**) Change the name to the "CSI Evening News," and replace entire news department with real-life forensic pathologists. Every story will not only be reported, but fingerprinted with stray fibers sent to trace for analysis.

**) Encourage the use of while instituting strict rules against performance-enhancing drugs. Conduct regular random drug tests on on-air talent as well as producers. If someone tests positive, issue a series of meaningless warnings.

**) Removing or loosening ties or removing suit jackets is not only"schticky" it is downright sexist. Let's take this to the next step and have the anchor or correspondent let the audience know they are giving tonight's report "commando."


I've also had a chance to peruse the short list of possible anchors, and let me propose a few obvious cuts:

**) Rob and Amber- overexposed for now. Besides, we have "Rob and Amber's Baby" set for the '06 May sweeps, and "Rob and Amber's UglyDivorce" in '07.

**) Art Harden- resume looked impressive, but turns out to be just an anagram for old he-who-must-not-be-named. (That also eliminates Andre Thar and Han Darter... we must do a better job of screening applicants, people. )

**) Ashton Kutcher- appeals to 18-49 female demographic (skews older), but refuses to take off ridiculous looking head-gear.

**) Andy Rooney- he has been favorably called "the octogenarian's Jon Stewart," but we have to think about shelf life.


I'm available whenever you decide to reconvene. You know where to reach me.

Yours,
B.V.

The Numbers Guy On Defining Genocide

One of the few free features on the Wall Street Journal website is "The Numbers Guy" by Carl Bialik. A regular column looking at the use and misuse of numbers in the public realm, he does a good job of exploring how some incredibly wrong numbers become conventional wisdom. He has also dealt with more light-hearted subjects like the ???-lb gorilla. He found uses of the cliche with values commonly falling between 100 and 900, with some unique uses up in the hundreds of thousands.

He recently dealt with the infinitely more serious subject of the difficulty and politics behind counting the number of Armenians who died as a result of Ottoman genocide efforts in the early 20th century.

"Armenia argues that as many as 1.5 million Armenians were massacred. But Turkey says the number of dead was no more than 600,000 and possibly far fewer, and says the killings were justified as the product of armed conflicts that swept the region at the time. Scholars disagree on the number, and politics have obstructed honest statistical debate."

This matters now in one sense because Turkey is trying to become a part of the EU, and their relationship with Armenia is a major factor standing in their way. Of course, it matters simply because it was genocide.

At the end of the article, Bialik finally quotes one voice of reason who arrives at some clarity above the debate about whose number is right.

"Dennis R. Papazian writes on the Web site of the Armenian Research Center at University of Michigan-Dearborn, where he serves as director: "Does it really make the actions of Turkey better if they succeeded in killing only 600,000 Armenians and not 1.5 million? …In any case, it was genocide.""

Frankly, I had been waiting for this viewpoint throughout the piece. As I just wrote to Bialik:

A fundamental question should be: Should the appellation 'genocide' be contingent upon the degree of success with which it is carried out? Should genocide be applied to policies and action, and not results? It was clearly the Ottoman intention to wipe out the Armenians.

Continuing to focus on counting the dead in order to define genocide will only perpetuate debate after-the-fact, which will always be too late.

Binge Drinking Cure or Awesome Party Aid?

A new study suggests chemicals derived from kudzu can cause binge drinkers to drink fewer beers in one sitting.

Researcher Scott Lukas thinks it causes people to feel drunk faster, thus limiting the desire for more alcohol.

Says the article: "Though kudzu won't turn drinkers into teetotalers, Lukas said, he hopes it can help heavy drinkers to cut back. "That way, they're a lot closer to being able to cut down completely.""

Somehow, I think it may not have the exact behavioral effect seen in the laboratory setting (by the way, only 14 people were tested). I can see college students popping kudzu pills before heading out to drink for the night, to get a faster buzz and keep the bar tab down. It might actually help people drink more slowly but maintain drinking for longer periods of time. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

She Blinded Me With Science

This woman ("Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, a philosopher of science and professor of biology at Indiana University") says the female orgasm is vestigial, and simply "is for fun."

The New York Times article also quotes Dr. John Alcock (really), who disagrees with Dr. Lloyd. He says the female orgasm isn't any fun at all.

No, what he really says is that the big O might be "an unconscious way to evaluate the quality of the male."

Its like a biological Nielsen Rating... If you don't score well during sweeps week, you'll be cancelled or at least put on 'hiatus.' Some men are CSI (formulaic but widely popular), some are Arrested Development (critically acclaimed, but with little audience), while some are Joey (lots of hype, underwhelming).

Another, sadder hypothesis is proposed by Professor Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, who postulates "Perhaps the reason orgasm is so erratic is that it's phasing out... Our descendants on the starships may well wonder what all the fuss was about."

Global warming, a new Ice Age, an asteroid hitting the Earth, the Sun going nova, the impending heat-death of the universe (see the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics)... all pale in comparison. I'm sorry, Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, I'm so sorry.

First Class Pinot Gris Via First Class Mail

WASHINGTON (CNN/Money) - Wineries and wine quaffers had reason to raise their glasses Monday, following a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that states cannot prohibit consumers from buying wine directly from out-of-state wineries.

Only a little over four years too late to save my wife and I from having to lug a dozen bottles of wine home with us from our honeymoon in Napa Valley.

We were the people I always hated to be on a plane with, attempting to stuff a couple overheard compartments with our booty, leaving the last people who came on board to place their bag by their feet, further limiting leg room. Oh well, it was just a domestic flight, from San Francisco to Reagan National mind you, but still domestic.

The Power of Music... In Movies

Note to self while waiting for the rain delay to finish at RFK:

Explore movies in which main character uses music, a particular song, to woo, sway, or move another person or people.

Three examples off the top of my head:

Ferris Bueller lip-syncing to the Beatles “Twist and Shout” in the parade.  All of Chicago sings along.

Pee-Wee Herman big-shoe dances to “Tequila” in the biker bar, and wins over the crowd of Heck's Angels, who then give Pee-Wee a motorcycle he promptly crashes into the nearest sign.

John Cusack (side topic: do any of John Cusack's characters actually have names, or is he just John Cusack in all of them) holding aloft a boom box with Peter Gabriel's “In Your Eyes” playing to win over Parker Posey (or was it Ione Skye?).

As a follow-up, was this an “80's” movie phenomenon, or are those merely the only examples I could think of?
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Very Cool Photos

http://photobucket.com/albums/y213/gbmcneill/

My friend Gregg is a Photographer.

I was searching for an adjective to sticl before that title, like great, terrific, or awesome (all of which apply).  I decided the term itself is enough description. 

A lot of people take pictures.  Some of them as a vocation.  Fewer still are Photographers.  And Gregg is a Photographer.

Recently, he did some film work shooting a “making of” documentary for a Western.

He took some stills as a part of the documentary.  He aged some of the photos so they would look authentic for the period.

I am the proud owner of a couple framed prints of his work, and judging by these, I'll be ordering more in the near future.
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The Island of Misfit Books

As mentioned previously, we have recently moved.  During the packing stage, I had the opportunity to review the contents of my library.  Mrs. Valentine becomes a bit consternated (is that word right?)  when I stop every 5th book to flip through it, but I enjoy reviewing books I had previously consumed, and always searching for one of those books I have not read to call my name. 

The Aenied, for instance, has recently been trying to get my attention, especially since that edition of “In Our Time” I wrote about a couple weeks ago.

What I realized is that there are a few books in my collection that I will never read.  These are show books and oddities, things I bought for other reasons that the story or knowledge contained therein.

The first that I came across is a two-volume edition of “Man in Structure and Function” by Fritz Kahn.

This is a very useful health and biological reference, especially if you are interested in misinformation.

Originally published as “Der Mensch Gesund Und Krank” in 1939, it took only 4 years to translate it and publish it in English.  Besides the fact that this was an interesting period in history for books to be translated from German to English.

Sample passage: “Besides nicotene, tobacco smole contains several other extremely fatal poisons... It is in fact extremely surprising and at the same time characteristic of life that man can inhale a truly 'hellish' gas mixture such a tobacco smoke for hours daily over a period of years and decades without poisoning himself; indeed, he may feel himself strengthened...”

The second example is provide is simply Roget's Thesaurus.  It is a 1959 paperback printing of a 1923 edition, and it preserves Paul Mark Roget's originally classification system (which has been losy or radically changed in modern editions.)

According to Roget, all words fall into six categories:
1. Words expressing abstract relations
2. Word relating to space
3. Words relating to matter
4. Words relating to the intellectual faculties
5. Words relating to the voluntary powers
6. Words relating to the sentient and moral powers.

Roget didn't invent the thesurus, he organized the words by idea rather than list them alphabetically.

There is an interesting introduction by an I.A. Richards.  “For information about words we go to the dictionary- the bigger it is the better.  We go to the Thesaurus in the hope that something we really know already will come back to us in our need.  How vast is the realm of our current oblivion... How incredibly much we understand if only we can mobilize our understanding.  Roget's Thesaurus is one of the greatest of all memoria technica.  It is an astonishing thought that we can carry it in the pocket.”

These are not books anymore, they are museum pieces in some ways.  The knowledge they impart may not be what the author intended.  I imagine a more in-depth study of how these books came into being, and the social structure from which they emerged, would be interesting.

I also own books like Adam Smith's “The Wealth of Nations” (that is the short title) which I never intend to read, but sits on my shelf to remind me that I have a degree in Economics.

Finally, I also keep a copy of “Wherever You Go There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  Its New Age Buddhist fookafka, but the title is a classic line from “Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension.”

Sometimes its not any deeper than that.
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Happy Chewbacca!

My nearly 19-month old daughter did not sleep well last night. Partly, I suspect, because she is still acclimating to our new house. Partly, almost certainly, because she is recovering from a nasty bump on her forehead self-inflicted at daycare this week, and she has another ugly bruise on the tip of her right middle finger.

No, she didn't flip someone the bird and get bitten. We had the stepstool out to put away dishes in our new kitchen, and she pushed it over, falling with it and pinching her finger.

So, I was up with the cranky little girl at 5:30 Sunday morning, taking her downstairs to allow Mom and Granny (visiting) to get a couple more hours sleep. I dumped out onto the floor her collection of cards, inclduing fake credit cards, the kind you get in the mail as a part of a fabulous offer too good to miss.<BR> <BR> I went into the kitchen to start a LARGE pot of coffee, leaving Petunia quiently playing in the other room. As I was filling the reservoir, she came into the room. Walking straight to me, she handed me a small card and said matter-of-factly “Chewbacca.”

Sure enough, the card she passed me had the image of the universe's best known Wookie. It had come off the back a cereal box, along with other Star Wars characters (I did not give her the Emperor or Darth Sirius cards, since they were a bit scary looking.

Impressed, I praised her. It had been at least a week since we had those cards out. What a memory!

Eventually, Granny and Mommy came down. Mommy had been up late, then was up again with Petunia in the wee hours. So Mommy was tired and not entirely happy with the younger cranklepuss who had not slept well.

That would get me off on another topic of how those two are much alike. Clearly the petal does not fall far from the bush.

I handed Petunia the boxed bracelet to give to Mommy, which she did. I then prompted Petunia, “say 'Happy Mothers Day!'”

She just stared at Mommy. Mommy stared back. Who was going to break first? The tension mounted.

“Say 'Happy Mothers Day, Petunia,'” I ordered. Nothing. Mommy looked a little down.<BR> <BR> “Say 'Happy Chewbacca,'” I went with a proven commodity. Mommy looked slightly puzzled by my suggestion.

“Hap Chewbacca,” she responded slyly, with a little grin. Mommy laughed, said thank you and gave her little girl a hug, who returned the gesture.<BR> <BR> While we are not certain, we suspect that Mothers Day will simply be called “Chewbacca” in our home for years to come.

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Bazooka Joe

Impulse buy of a box of Bazooka Joe bubble gum in the check-out line at the grocery store a couple nights ago. I remembered the comics of course (Favorite member of Bazooka Joe's gang is Mortimer, the guy with the red turtle neck pulled up over his nose), and collecting comics to redeem for Bazooka Joe "stuff," but I had totally forgotten about the fortunes included.

Here is what has been fortold for me so far, courtesy B.J.:
"You can get what you want by asking the right person."
"Expect unexpected visitors."
"You have the ability to become outstanding in literature."
"Don't take a detour on the path to greatness."
"A surprise trip is coming your way soon."
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"You are heading towards a choice between money or happiness."

On the whole, much better fortunes than I usually receive in cookies at Chinese restaurants. Nowadays, cookie fortunes relay vague platitudes, but offer no real advice or insight.

Bazooka Joe, on the other hand, is really making me re-evaluate my life. And my jaw is beginning to hurt from all the chewing, and sometimes gum gets stuck in my facial hair when I blow a bubble.