6/21/2005

That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells

One of my wife's favorite hobbies (besides playing the "Name Game" for all of our potential future offspring) is thinking about how she would set up her single friends. There are times she schemes about single friends getting married the way other people pass the time by selling Amway or recruiting new cult members.

The relaunch of Great Boyfriends (now owned by the wedding planning website The Knot) fills the void left by Ebay ever since they disallowed the buying and selling of humans on its pages.

"Who doesn’t know a great guy (or girl) who is shockingly, still single? Maybe it’s your best friend, your not-for-me ex, your adorable brother -- you get it. Post them here and “set them up” with an equally cool, preapproved date; i.e., no one makes it onto our A list unless a true friend like you signs ’em up. Because friends don’t let friends stay single. " (italics added)

6/20/2005

A Little Birdy Told Me

One day last week, I arrived home a little early to get some packing done for the family's Father's Day camping trip to Westmoreland County. I was unable to get a jump on things, however, because on the cement landing of the stairs leading up to our front door was a dazed baby bird. Looking up into the tree limbs hanging over the stairs, I could see the nest about 25 feet up, leaning heavily. Apparently the wind, or simply bad design by the parents had caused the nest to tilt and drop the little fellow out.

After some discussion and consultation with a local animal rescue hotline, I built a make-shift nest from a plastic flower pot, and hung it from the tree using speaker wire and a clothes hanger. However, the little guy was apparently too young to chirp (an essential factor in the parents being able to find it), and it expired a day or so later.

In the meantime, a second bird fell to the landing from the same nest. The demise of this guy was immediate. As they say: it's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop. I placed him in a few grocery bags, left the bags open just in case my diagnosis was wrong and he was still alove, then later (upon confirmation of death) placed him in the garbage along side his sibling.

Two side notes here. One, I did not check the sex of these birds, I'm just using the masculine for simplicity. Two, I was using gardening gloves to handle the birds, both living and dead. Although the lady from the wildlife rescue told us that the story about parent birds refusing to feed babies after they have been touched by humans is an old-wives-tale, I figured transmission of cooties is a two-way street.

Shortly after I disposed of the two birds' remains, the third and final bird fell from the nest and onto the landing. He seemed to be in good shape, so I moved him onto the grass and prepared a new nest. Since I did not have another plastic flower pot (the first one is the final resting place of the first bird), I cut the end off a small cardboard box that had held an electric landscaping trimmer. I poked a few holes so it could drain any water in case of rain, and dropped a few leaves in. While cardboard is not a permanent building material, it was the best I had.

This time I did not try to hang the makeshift nest, but rather wedged it between two larger branches. I used electrical tape to secure it to the tree (again making do with what I had). As soon as I picked up the little bird so I could climb up and place him in the nest, he started chirping. This sent a nearby parent (who had been closely monitoring things), into a bit of a frenzy.

The chirping worked, apparently, because when I checked back on Sunday, the bird was alive and there were droppings around the box, suggesting parents had made several visits.

Fearing that a rainstorm would destroy the cardboard nest and endanger the bird, I decided to find a more permanent nesting solution. I didn't know how long the bird would have to stay there, and one good soaking would have caused that box to turn to mush.

So Mrs. Valentine bought a small wicker basket at the store Sunday afternoon, which I then wove speaker wire through to use as anchors to the tree. I figured I would put the basket in place first, the transfer the bird over once it was secure.

But as soon as I climbed into the tree, the little bird got agitated, flapped its wings, and launched itself out of the nest, 'flew' right in front of me, then fluttered to the ground.

It also dropped some baby bird poo on the shorts I was wearing on its way out.

The parents were now VERY upset, lots of angry chirps and close fly-bys. I settled on placing the wicker nest in a lower point in the tree, quickly secured it, then put the baby back in. Spying from my front door, I could see the parents visiting by the wicker nest, but not going directly to it. An hour later, I went out to check, and the baby bird was gone. I don't know what happened during that hour I was away.

Optimistic outcome: the baby was grown enough to fly in short bursts, and the parents coaxed it out of the wicker nest and to a new location.

Pessimistic outcome: the neighborhood cat came by and had lunch.

Either way, I feel like I did my best to save the little guys. I'm sure my still relatively new neighbors think I am a nutcase, though.

6/17/2005

Burnt Umber

While waiting for a pool pass at our local homowners' association building a short time ago, I came across a free coloring book distributed by DASH (the local bus system). My daughter likes to color, and is beginning to get the hang of aiming the crayon at specific things on the page (although she is no where near keeping in the lines), so I picked up a copy.

It has drawings of buses to be colored, and plenty of happy looking people who must be really pleased and excited about using public transportation. Best of all, it was free. That last point lead me to do a quick google search on pdf coloring books ("coloring book filetype:pdf"). A few of the interesting offerings include:

The Red Cross has a Disaster Preparedness coloring book as well as one featuring classic Red Cross posters. Nothing kids like more than bringing life to the image of a flood destroying someone's home. The classic posters book also give your little one the chance to color a circa-1978 Bill Cosby ad for the Red Cross.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has a Farmers Market Coloring Book, that has some good pictrues of fruits and vegetables, but includes one odd page that says "Agriculture provides a lifeline to our cities." The picture is a bunch of chickens and cows surrounding a cityscape, and if it is to scale, some of the chickens are gigantic (with large talons).

Paging Dr. Nick! The Neuroscience for Kids Coloring Book is also available. My favorite pages are the skull, the multipolar neuron, and the last page featuring two "neuroscientists."

Here's a good tip: "Never get too close to a bear." Page eight drives that home, with a ferocious looking mama bear breathing down the neck of an unsuspecting nature photographer.

The Air Quality Commission of Polk County Iowa hired a local high school student who had perfected the Japanese Anime style for this book on improving the air.

The anti-air pollution people have another book that is more up my alley. Lots of aliens and weird creatures who live on Planet Polluto. Or you can fight alongside Captain Crud, to help clean up the Forth Worth area.

This appears to be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to online coloring books. I may never need to purchase one for my daughter again.

6/14/2005

Trump University

You are now reading the blog of an officially registered student at Trump University.

Well, I'm not actually paying for any of his online courses, but I did register for free so I could take the "Trump Success Profile" Quiz. Thirty-six questions in length, it is a Myers-Briggs type inventory where I choose between sets of two descriptions for the one that better describes me.

For instance:

"I sometimes don’t have enough energy to deal with everything facing me."
or
"I always have enough energy to deal with everything facing me."

On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being all the way with the first choice, and 5 all the way with the second), I choose a 1. 1 didn't seem all that extreme of an option, "sometimes" compared to "always." Perhaps if the first choice had been "I never have enough energy to deal with everything facing me", I would have fallen somewhere betwixt the two.

Anyway, I took the rest of the quiz, answering questions as if I were the laziest, least competitive, least success-driven person I could be... that is, I was being myself.

"This psychological profile is based on the Trump Success Index questionnaire you completed. The profile displays your score... in nine key personality dimensions identified by Donald Trump as being crucial for success in the business world... The samples use a standardized 10-point scale like the one below, with Donald Trump’s score in each of these dimensions being 10."

"Business Optimism - upbeat, positive mindset; conviction that one will be successful. 1"

"Self-Promotion - inclined to promote one’s self and product or service to facilitate business development and success. 1"

"Self-Confidence - persistent belief in one’s self worth and performance capabilities. 1"

"Work Drive - disposed to working long hours and exerting high effort to complete projects, meet deadlines, increase productivity, and be successful. 1"

"Wealth Motivation - energized to be affluent and make a lot of money. 1"

"Work Passion - motivated to engage in work that is interesting, challenging, and personally fulfilling. 6"

"Demand for Excellence - insistence on producing top-quality products or service. 1"

"Tenacity - disposition to keep working on goals and projects until completed, and persevere despite setbacks, obstacles, & difficulties. 1"

"Resilience - general level of mental stamina, fortitude, and ability to handle stress and pressure. 1"

"OVERALL TRUMP POTENTIAL FOR BUSINESS SUCCESS"

...drumroll please...

"1"

"Now you know how you stack up against Donald Trump’s definition of success. It’s not everyday that you can be assessed by a self-made billionaire!"

I'll have to go back and figure out how I managed a six on work passion. I mean, come one, I was blowing off work taking the test in the first place!

So if this is the scale by which the University measures success, then graduation day must when you have become a consumed-by-money, self-promoting blowhard who won't take no for an answer.

I can't wait for my subscription to the weekly e-newsletter starts arriving.

6/13/2005


A jury of his peers... no really.

6/08/2005

But Will He Dye His Hair Orange Again?

Costas taking CNN role
News network announces television host to be substitute anchor of "Larry King Live."


To prepare for the job, Costas announced he is going to have his head enlarged to nearly twice its current size, while letting the rest of his body wither away.

Actually, this may be the only thing that makes me consider watching Larry King Live. I remember the first incarnation of "Later" on NBC was hosted by Costas. Before Greg Kinnear or the 'massive tool' who hosts today, Costas' format was a single guest for half an hour with no audience. Kind of Charlie Rose, but sitting in a comfortable looking living room rather than at a card table in limbo. It didn't last long before Costas left, Kinnear came on and changed the format back to basically every other late-night show, but I remember it being good and very watchable.

That's takes me to another tangent on the concept of "watchability." Whether a show is watchable has little correlation, I would think, to whether it is good or bad. There are plenty of bad shows and movies that I stick through because there is some minor compelling detail or it does nothing to embarrass or upset me enough to turn the channel.

Note for future research: Study the factors, independent of quality, that make something watchable or not.

6/07/2005

Oh Carolina

Although the summer vacation week is still a month away, I am already mentally at the beach. Took my little Petunia to the community pool last night after dinner. She splashed around marveling at the other kids, wanted to be dunked (only up to her chin), and loved jumping from a sitting position poolside into the water. All of this got me very excited about the trip to the Outer Banks. We'll have a pool at the house, and be a short walk from the beach.

Last year, Petunia was not even mobile, so she could only sit on the blanket in the shade and reach for a nearby fistful of sand to stuff in her mouth. This year, we are going to build a sand castle.

We'll watch fireworks on July 4th from the house I imagine, rather than the beach, given that there will be a handful of sleeping (or not) toddlers in the house. Last night's thunderstorms did not wake Petunia up, so I'm hoping that means she'll be able to snore through the Independence Day displays.

I went to outerbanks.org to see what other events or activities we could plan.

Other events/activities I found on the "maybe" list:

"July 5-8 Summer Children’s Performance Series 10:30am Lynn Trefzger, ventriloquist, brings together amazing figure manipulation and exceptional vocal skills to create a comedy act which delights young and old. She writes her own original and endlessly inventive routines and thrives on interaction with the audience. Lynn has been entertaining audiences since 1977 with her humor packed show and quick wit, which allows her to personalize every performance. Dummies, puppets, inanimate objects and unsuspecting bystanders become part of the wild world that she and her comical partners create. She has received many award nominations and has appeared on ABC, TNN, A&E and Lifetime television. Activities, at The Museum Store, will be offered afterwards. Call (252) 475-1500 for additional information. Tickets are $5 and can be purchased at the door. Free to Friends of Elizabeth II and general admission ticket holders. Programming is made possible by the Outer Banks Community Foundation. 252-475-1500 or http://www.roanokeisland.com/"

"Kitty Hawk Kites 4th of July High FlyWhalehead Club, Corolla. Come fly with us at the Whalehead 4th of July celebration. Don’t miss the toy demos and Rock Climbing Wall! 877-FLY-THIS or 441-4124. http://www.kittyhawkkites.com/ "

"Windmill Point Restaurant – Live Piano Music Wednesday – Saturday during the summer season. 7pm – 10pm. Music ranges from 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, classical and requests. Upstairs in our S.S. United States lounge overlooking the historic Roanoke Island."

"July 6 Bingo At the Cape Hatteras Anglers Club, 47231 Light Plant Road, Buxton. For more information, please call 252-995-4253 or email anglers@mindspring.com"

Just kidding on that last one.