The Color of Money

Mrs. Valentine has embarked on a new project: painting rooms in our house. Taking time away from debating baby names and trying to hook up single friends, she steered our family towards the Home Depot last night to begin the process of sorting through paint chips.

As anyone who has ever walked by the paint section in one of the big hardware stores knows, there are literally hundreds of paint colors from which to choose. Some are almost imperceptibly different, in that I have to squint or hold the chips at funny angles until I can safely proclaim "Yes I agree, my Dear, this one has a little too much purple in it."

What gets me about the multitude of colors are the names, few of which actually provide the shopper with a convenient color touchstone to compare. "Peas in a Pod," "Florida Mango," are just a couple examples of ones that help lead you in a direction. (I took these from the applet at the Behr website.)

Then there is "Autumn Mist." Want to guess what color that is? According to Behr, it is a slightly more muted shade of "Florida Mango." Or what about "Monaco"? Its a light blue.

I guess the paint manufacturers decided that rather than informative names, they should create evocative names that register with the emotions. For instance, the master bedroom in our previous house was covered in "Hidden Honey," which I think I would have more appropriately called "Dried Mustard Crust." But that doesn't create the same emotive response, does it?

I also think this bizarre naming scheme has a lot more to do with the women in households being the primary decision-maker when it comes to color.

That is why I am going to get rich by patenting a dual-naming paint color system. Every color is assigned two names, the original female/affective/uninformative can remain on the front, while a second name is printed in small letters on the back of the chip. This is the place the rest of us can sneak a peek at and say "Ah ha... I knew I recognized this particular hue!"

For instance:

"Pecan Sandy" on the front reads "Bud Light Binge Shits" on the back.

"Vibrant Wildflower" on the front reads "Too Many Vitamins Pee" on the back.

"Vintage Lava" on the front reads "That Time of the Month" on the back.

"Fresh Heather" on the front reads "This is Going in My Son's Room Over My Dead Body" on the back.

Anyway, you get the picture. Or for a less offensive version, how about make reference to real world examples on the back of the chip. "This is the same color blue as the Cleveland Indians' uniforms" or "This is the color green used for computer code in The Matrix."

Breast Intentions- letter to the editor

to: catkinson, sdonaton at Advertising Age
re: "AD WEEK BREAST AD SPARKS INDUSTRY CONTROVERSY"


Let me get this straight.

One ad, printed only once in an industry rag (no offense), shows a little cleavage and insiders declare it may well "tarnish the industry's reputation"?

If anything, that ad is simply bolstering the industry's reputation.

The casual media-consumer in America must think there are entire chapters in marketing and advertising textbooks devoted to breasts.

Just run another ad showing a man stuffing a sock down his trousers*,with the same tag line ("Advertising we all do it."), and be done with this farce.

Then you can all get back to figuring out how to deal with the demise of broadcast television.

OK?


[* Note: I know it was a cucumber wrapped in foil.]

Antique Music Reviews

No Jacket Required - by Phil Collins

Hard to believe its been twenty years since this gem was released. It has been sitting in my collection in various formats since, well, since its release in 1985. It was, as far as I can recall, the first full album I ever purchased.

The album was the third in line of Collins' solo work that featured his sweaty visage on the cover. At least he gave the albums different titles. In order to navigate Peter Gabriel's first three (or four, depending on which side of the pond you hail from) eponymous albums, you have to know them by number, or refer to them by the cover art (melting face, rainy windshield, etc).

No Jacket Required (NJR hereafter) is the unofficial soundtrack to the penultimate expression of 80's television, Michael Mann's pastel noir Miami Vice. The melancholic Crockett and intense Tubbs driving in the nighttime, with Long Long Way to Go playing for a good minute or two. No dialogue, no plot advancement, just two impossibly cool dudes cruising somewhere. Cut to commercial.

Collins' music was nearly as much on the show as Jan Hammer's, and it is a damn shame he only got one cut on the official soundtrack while Glenn Frey managed two. Grandmaster Melle Mel's contribution doesn't hold up as much with time, although "I Feel For You" with Chaka Khan still has legs, I would bet.

Collins actually had a couple acting gigs on the show. One was minor, if I recall, but he was a bad guy in another episode. His official site says he played a character by the name "Phil the Shill," which seems right as I think the character was a con artist who actually ended up avoiding capture.

[Note for further investigation: What was the track record of the cops on Miami Vice? I mean, I think half the bad guys got away, and when they did catch someone bad, it almost always meant that one of the main characters' loved ones or colleagues would be seriously wounded or killed.]

But back to the topic at hand, and more importantly, the fact is that NJR is one of the clearest single musical expressions of the decade. It featured a healthy amount of synth and drum loops, mixed together with the Phenix horns, (formerly Earth Wind and Fire Horns), Darryl Stuermer's guitar playing, and old hippie-looking Lee Sklar's bass. Then, of course, is Collins' drumming, the fame of which rests equally on his ability and on the unique sound created when he, Peter Gabriel, producer Hugh Padham messed around in the studio to electronically alter the sound produced by the drums.

The album produced four clear hits: Sussudio, One More Night, Take Me Home, and Don't Lose My Number. It shifted from uptempo, to ballad, to anthem, and ends on a more orchestral note (at least on the CD, where We Said Hello Goodbye was initially listed as a CD bonus track because they couldn't fit it on the cassette). Very little filler on this album, even the b-sides and other tracks were solid.

MTV was young, and still showing videos, and each of these was in serious rotation there too. Take Me Home featured a globetrotting Collins lip-syncing in front of various worldly landmarks, like the Sydney Opera House, while Don't Lose My Number was a hodge-podge send-up of various scenes from famous films and music videos.

I listened to it again tonight, mostly in my car with the volume cranked way up. Definitely a few Proustian moments, but I was able to get beyond that and really enjoy the music. I'll have to break out Face Value, and Hello I Must Be Going, and explore the old Genesis archive that I haven't touched in a while.

Immortalized by Google

At long last I can report success, the Easter Peeps Challenge video is now available at the Google video search site.

Peanut, Walnut, Macadamia Nut...

The good folks who make Marshmallow Peeps (entertaining us all each Easter), also make something called Peanut Chews (which have been around since 1917 apparently).

They have cut two television ads for the candy, in the tradition of identifying their brand with spastic morons and people who needlessly risk their own lives for a thrill. They can be viewed at the Peanut Chews website. The first is described below from the Peanut Chews press release:


"One spot focuses on a freestyle Motocross rider watching other jumpers fly off the ramp and perform aerial stunts. Our biker savors his Peanut Chews(R), which seem to inspire him, as he then out jumps his friends by pulling off a backflip on a Bajah(R) scooter. Also in the commercial is the national debut of the new off-road Segue(R), a two-wheeled, self-balancing, electric transportation vehicle. All of these unique feats correspond with the unique attitude that is distinctly Peanut Chews(R)."


Tell me more, marketing gurus...


"Mark Plamondon of Tandem Associates, Peanut Chews(R) marketing firm which created the TV commercials, commented, "'Chews. Something Different(TM)' is the call to action around which these spots and the brand's entire marketing campaign will revolve. The Peanut Chews(R) brand is positioned to target young adults who envision themselves as somewhat non-conformists, and appreciate that this product is different from mainstream candy brands.""


Chocolate with peanuts? What a stunning development in the confectionary world! How have they kept that quiet for nearly a century? Certainly, the kids, with their "grunge" music, break-dancing, and hacky-sacks will be beating down the doors of their local convenience stores for this treat!


"John Kerr, Brand Director of Peanut Chews(R) commented, "The Peanut Chews(R) spots are an intriguing first glimpse into what is a new candy brand for most of the nation. They illustrate an outrageous individuality. The ads, while humorous, also convey the unique attributes of the brand including the appealing bite-size pieces going into the vibrant new packaging. While Peanut Chews(R) shipped nationally in April with impressive initial figures, the TV spots airing on the heels of the website launch, have driven excitement around the brand to a new level.""


Yes, there is a palpable frenzy out there. These ads haven driven America's youth into a sort of Bacchanalian worship of Peanut Chews. I think we should call on Congress to act and put a stop to the "somewhat non-conformist" "outrageous individuality" that these ads and their candy are spreading, before it is too late.

[Follow-up Research Note: Perform content analysis of brand (re)launch press releases. Do all of them use the word "excitement," and "unique"? What other boilerplate language is there?]

For the Birds

Risking this blog becoming a bookmarked favorite of ornithologists worldwide, I have another short bird tale.

I was out on the back patio two nights ago, doing a little light gardening: trimming the ivy, hacking back the damned bamboo grove, etc. When I turned my attention to lopping off big hunks of the mint that runs wild...

[Side questions for further investigation: Why did the previous owners of this home insist on growing only those types of plants that spread voraciously? Was this a case of the lady who swallowed the fly, planting a new weed to fend off the old? If so, why is there no kudzu?)

...I noticed a bird sitting rather docile among the plants. Mrs. Valentine gave it a few tentative nudges with a small garden spade to get it to leave, but it didn't move. It was alive, breathing regularly, but clearly something was wrong. I set a capful of water in front of it (the Doolittle in me coming out again), but it wasn't interested.

Deciding to let nature take its course, we retired for the evening. Yesterday, sure enough, we returned home to find the bird dead in the spot we had left it.

Having had some experience disposing of birds who have ceased-to-be ("This parrot is no more!"), I picked it up with a double grocery bag and turned the bags inside out, like a dog-owner would his pet's business from the sidewalk. I then sealed the whole bundle in a ziplock bag, and unceremoniously tossed the remains to the trash can.

Did we unknowingly purchase a house on some sort of haunted aviarian burial ground? Is this summer going to be some sort of mash between "The Birds" and "Poltergeist"?

Yellow Crayon

It was my original intent to include more random photos in this blog. That sort of fell by the wayside.

I was using Picasa's "Hello" to upload photos, but now blogger has a photo upload function.

Let's see if the full resolution image is available if I click on the larger-than-thumbnail image.