My Biography of L. Ron Hubbard

These are all actual images taken from the Church of Scientology's official website biography of Hubbard. The words are my own interpretation of the images.

While I cannot be certain that these events happened, they certainly would explain a lot...

The Biography of L. Ron Hubbard - Part 1

For the first ten years of his life, L. Ron Hubbard was raised in a windowless room. His only source of entertainment was an old worn copy of Samuel Taylor Coleridge poems.

At the age of 12, L. Ron Hubbard made the aquaintance of a man he only ever knew as "Cap'n Lance."

Cap'n Lance explained to the young man much of life's mysteries: about the lonesomeness of a man's life aboard ship. He also taught Hubbard quite a bit about seamen.

Accounts conflict as to whether "Cap'n" Lance was actually affiliated with any of the armed services, or if he had ever actually been on a boat.

However, the young Hubbard grew fond of his mentor, although their occassional tussle left him, in his own words, "awful sore."

Shortly after his 13th birthday, L. Ron was sent on a long educational overseas trip by his parents to, in his father's words "try to stop being such a candy-ass."

Upon arrival, he was quickly kidnapped and sold to people he believed were Buddhist monks, for whom he worked as a piece of furniture.

After several months, the monks took pity on him and told him they would teach him the secrets of the Shaolin Temple. Of course, they were not in the Shaolin Temple, and had no training in martial arts. They were, however, accomplished puppeteers.

Hubbard found himself under the tutelage of Master Fuque, a 12-level black-belt puppeteer.

Fuque had such advanced mastery in the marionette arts, he had abandoned traditional puppets, and was only interested in dangling a ball from a string on a stick.

Hubbard was amazed and awestruck by how the Master made the ball dance. He did nothing but watch the orb flit around the Master's head for hours on end, for many months.

Of course, he learned nothing during that time, but it was an experience he would never forget.

Eventually, the insane asylum was shut down on health code violations, and Chinese government officials were surprised to discover Hubbard living with the inmates. Confiscating his beret, they issued him a pith helmet and cast him adrift in a lifeboat in the South Seas.

His boat came ashore on an uncharted Polynesian island. L. Ron befriended a young native boy, whom he affectionately called Boo-Boo.

Boo-Boo set Hubbard up in a small cave, and each day would bring him a handful of what smelled like poi. In exchange, L. Ron would launder Boo-Boo's skirts, which were easily soiled.

Here ends part 1 of the my imagined biography of L. Ron Hubbard. There are still plenty of terrible images on their website for a part 2, including Hubbard's time spent at Hogwarts:

Don't blame me, its the Body Thetans.

By the way, if you want to watch the South Park episode explaining all you need to know about Scientology,you can watch it here.


Anonymous buzz said...

You know, now Tom Cruise is not going to advertise your blog.

12:12 PM, March 22, 2006  
Blogger B.V. said...

I guess the whole pedophilia thing was right in line with the how South Park dealt with the "Super Adventure Club."

I will be interested to see how they deal with Mr. Cruise next.

9:28 AM, March 24, 2006  

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