Opening film- Good call on Jon Stewart's
part, let Billy Crystal
make the first Brokeback
joke of the night. Billy is a favorite of the Academy, and if he can make the joke, then its OK for Jon to make the joke. Maybe it even takes the pressure off of Jon. Pretty funny, although, I was kind of waiting for someone at Johnny Carson's grave, bending over the headstone asking "Are you sure you're not available?" The humor petered out when Stewart actually appeared.
The monologue has a bit of a rough beginning. "Death to Smootchie" reference, making fun of 3rd world adoption... yikes. Got to soften up the Hollywood elite with some ass-kissing or some better self-referential humor. Does better interacting with Clooney, and while touching on the nominees and their movies.
OK, the shouting at the audience has to go, Jon. That's a comedian's act of desperation on stage.
Gay cowboy montage- easy laughs, but well-done and short.
Best supporting actor. Effing George Clooney
? Paul Giamatti
needs to be recognized by the Acadamy. Ah, but the speech did not disappoint. One year, Clooney will send a Native American to accept an award in his place, mark my words.
Thanks Tom Hanks
. Mildly amusing take on the Acceptance Speech That Will Not End. No thanks Ben Stiller
. One unfunny gag drawn out for 2 minutes. If I wanted that, I'd watch SNL. If I wanted to stretch out 2 hours, I'd watch Zoolander
Uh oh, Stewart already falling HEAVILY back on the Jewish jokes, another sign of trouble.
A very shiny Naomi Watts
, dressed in a torn looking dress, introduces Dolly Parton
. Watts looks like she put on a foundation of Wesson oil and wrestled with Kong before she came out.
As for Dolly, that corset's girders are cold-riveted with a core of pure Selenium. Whoever designed that outfit is either a certified genius or an authentic wacko. (Apologies to Dr. Ray Stantz).
Another Uh oh for Stewart, making fun of Scientology. Alienates a third of the audience. Making fun of the Baldwins, that alienates another third. Take my advice, friend, stay away from Kabbalah.
Luke Wilson looks like he is going to burst. Step back, Owen!!!
Did "Chicken LIttle" really make it that big this year? I thought it was a flop. Oh right, it was a Disney flick, and this is ABC. This, in the lingo, is called synergy, my friends.
I am waiting for Jennifer Aniston
to radically change the hairdo. Having a hard time making a job transition, relationship troubles, kissing Vince Vaughn: warning signs all. Go the Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron route, and uglify yourself for a gritty and/or arty flick. Just once, then you can go back to romantic comedies. This will push off having to show your breasts on camera to land a roll back by at least five years.
Actors' portrayal of historic figures overlooked in their montage: John Wayne as Ghengis Khan
and Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious
Is Will Ferrell in blackface? And you couldn't make out the problem with Steve Carrell's make-up until the close-up. Weak, they should have had zits and a scar or something distinct.
Hour one ends.
Someone get Morgan Freeman
a tie for cryin' out loud. Oh, forget it, his voice makes up for it. Funny that one of our most accomplished actors who does a great deal of voiceover work makes the first flub of the evening with the teleprompter. Although I would consider Ben Stiller's entire thing a flub, so maybe it wasn't the first.
The hot chick from The Mummy is going to be a Mommy!Lauren Bacall
decided not to wear her glasses to come out and read the lines, it would appeal... er appear. The "film noir" montage she introduced makes me think they should have had gay sub-text montages for all film genre's.
OK, the political ads for the "Best Actress" category were strong. Jon Stewart bringing in the old Daily Show alums, first Steve Carell, then Stephen Colbert here to do the voiceover. Best leave it at that, Jon. If Rob Corddry shows up to do a bit, that might be going a little far.Charlize Theron's
dress looks like something a "Project Runway" loser might have slapped together. The fit is so important, people. Make it work!
"Hi, my name is Jennifer Lopez
, star of Gigli. Here's a lady singing in front of a flaming car with a bunch of shadowy people doing what appears to be really bad Tai Chi in the smoke behind her. Enjoy"
So much shouting, Jon. They hear English well, my friend, no need to yell.
Do you think Sandra Bullock
and Keanu Reeves
have even seen each other since Speed premiered? It's been like 25 years. Why put them together? By the same logic, why isn't John Travolta
up there with Samuel L. Jackson
Thank you Salma Hayek
... for being.
And Itzhak Perlman
is my cue to take the dog for her last walk of the night. And I'm back just in time to see Jon poke a little fun at him. Perfect.
Does anyone sense the irony of showing a montage of clips highlighting how great movies look on the "big screen," to millions of people watching at home on their TV sets? I would have shown a few clips full screen, then shown little tiny postage stamp version in the corner of an otherwise black screen: representing the difference in size between the average movie screen and TV screen.
One last thought for this hour. I thought Jessica Alba
looked hot on the red carpet tonight until I saw Salma moments ago. Salma makes Jessica look like a scrawnly little boy who was given breast implants.
Hour two all wrapped up.
My new theme song: "Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp.". Jordan, Cedric and Paul, you have penned a classic.
I am now going to say words that may have never before been uttered by man. "Thank you, Ben Affleck
." Thank you for providing a way to enlarge Jennifer Garner's
breasts without surgery.
"Oh yeah..." moments in the "Dead Reel": Pat Morita
, Shelley Winters
, Eddie Albert
, Richard Pryor
. Great injustice: Pat Morita got to make four Karate Kid movies, Richard Prynor could never get "The Toy 2" or "Brewster's Millions 2: Brewster's Billions" greenlighted.
Tonight marks the first time Jamie Foxx
has been onstage at an awards show and NOT done a Ray Charles
Finally, the Academy corrects the great injustice of having failed to nominate Reese Witherspoon
for her performance in "Legally Blond."Larry McMurtry
is so wasted! Dude.
They should have handed Ang Lee
the Oscar for "Brokeback Mountain," then immediately taken it back for "The Incredible Hulk."
Few people know this, but Jack Nicholson
wears those sunglasses to prevent the laser beams that shoot from his ocular sockets from destroying everything he lays eyes on.
OK, the "Crash" folks are wrapping up, so it looks like my work here is just about done.