I Had A Thought

An Outsider Music Christmas

2008-12-23T10:47:00.002-06:00

It must go back to my days wandering the stacks at WRUW, but for a long time I have been fascinated by obscure music and odd recordings. It is generally labeled "Outsider Music," made by crazies, misunderstood geniuses, or crazy misunderstood geniuses.

Somehow this morning, I stumbled upon the music of Joseph Spence, and have listened several times to his rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. His twangy, strangely-tuned guitar, and "vocals" are a welcome change of pace from the standard holiday fare.

When reviving this blog this morning (a way to get back in the habit of writing for pleasure. more on that later. maybe), I noted one of my last posts (in late 2006!) announced my intention to kick a puppy everytime I heard Wham's "Last Christmas" on the radio. Suffice it to say, whenever I decide to follow through on that promise, no kennel will be safe.

It is these times when I am rummaging around the Internets for weird music, that I think I would like to be T Bone Burnett for day, or at least have access to the musical database in his brain. Or that it would be nice not to have any obligations for a few months, so I could wander over to the Smithsonian and research their collection of recordings.

OK, so this wasn't the best post I've ever written, but we're shaking off the rust.

Pain in the Neck

2007-02-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

"Neck pain is a common problem, especially in older adults. About 50% of people older than 50 have neck pain at some time."

While only a small percentage of particularly decrepit 34-year olds suffer from this problem. F%#$ off, Web MD.

"[Neck] Spasms may even occur from an uncomfortable night's sleep... You need to stop doing the activities that cause pain until your muscle has healed."

No sleeping for the next week. Check. Time to catch up on some reading, and clear a few movies off the DVR.

"If, however, your neck is stiff in the morning and improves during the day the day, it's possible that the culprit is some underlying problems, such as arthritis..."

I know its not, but arthritis seems like such an O.M.D., Old Man Disease. See my comments to Web MD.

"Neck pain that is worsened by coughing or sneezing may be a sign of disc involvement... Chiropractic methods to increase spinal mobility and, in some cases, cervical collars to temporarily support the head, can treat such problems."

That will look pretty sweet. Maybe I can keep it on through our Valentine's Day dinner.

"Botulinum toxin type A is also used to treat muscle spasms of the neck (cervical dystonia) and some types of severe sweating of the armpits (hyperhidrosis)."

That'll kill two birds with one stone.

"Next, your physical therapist will check the ROM in your neck."

"Here's your problem, Mr. Valentine. You have the ROM chip from an old Apple IIe. The good news is we can immediately start programming your neck in BASIC, the bad news is that I'm going to have to replace your head with a monochrome monitor."

Mommy Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

2007-01-29T19:39:00.000-06:00

Daddies should not unsheath a weapon in the midst of an ongoing Mommy War. They risk winding up like Isildur, that is, with a broken sword.

Freudian imagery aside, I have generally chosen to remain pleasantly ignorant of the massive amount of estrogen-charged, maternal invective being slung across the Internet.

I mean, I saw Mean Girls, and I get the fact that the backbiting tirades of judgment do not stop after high school, or college. It continues, the stakes are raised, and the claws become sharper with time. Eventually, some women become so adept at belittling their peers that the attacks are conducted merely through facial expressions (a la the great 1960s science fiction satire "Retief" series, where space bureaucrats have codified facial expressions for use in intergalactic diplomacy. A consul can deploy a "3-v" (Modest Awareness of Virtue), "24-w" (Gracious Condescension), or "91-s" (Cold Return to Objectivity), for example. Read the first novel online here.).

Anyway, my trophy-wife (and Petunia's righteous Mom) Merseydotes recently brought me out of the blissful and purposeful avoidance of the Mommy Wars.

Note: I don't have a good specific definition of "Mommy Wars," other than to say that some Moms think that their parenting decisions are not only best, but that all the others are wrong. And some of those Moms are willing to publically dress down other Moms who do not adhere to their strict childrearing sensibilities. They tend to single out and identify other Moms or practices they find reprehensible, and pounce. You could call them a "Mommy Lynch Mob" (MLM), perhaps, or the La Leche League.

Mersey showed me a clip from the Today Show. Meredith Viera (generating more press/controversy than her predecessor, but slightly less than her successor ), and Doctor Janet Taylor (a psychiatrist who helps Pepsico (page 22) sell the world on the health benefits of caffeinated sugar water and corn chips), tag-teamed up on blogger Melissa Summers.

The woman didn't stand a chance really. It was like watching Sonny Corleone at the toll booth.

At issue was something very simple. Some Moms get together for their kids to play while the Moms have a glass of wine or two and socialize. The very thought however offends the MLM, and their Grand Inquisitors are summoned to purge the heresy.

I was amazed at what I saw. Not some unsuspecting, decent person getting a firecracker shoved down their pants on national TV, but the reason for it. It boggled my mind.

Its been turning in my mind for a day or so, and I think I have some thoughts.

The 'anti'-arguments made in the piece were: it models bad behavior to children, it is dangerous in case a child is hurt at the 'playdate', you wouldn't let other caregivers drink with your child, and the drinking may be a sign of a larger problem/illness for the Moms involved.

Let's deal with those individually, shall we?

1) Drinking, at all, models bad behavior for children.

It is a tenet of the MLM that any behavior that is bad in excess, must be condemned entirely. Because parenting while completely shitfaced is a bad idea, any and all drinking around children should be verboten. The logic comes from the assumption that people are too stupid to know the difference between one glass of wine and five shots of jagermeister. I must admit, the thinking is pretty strong.

However, it is applied unevenly in this case. It is applied to Moms, but not Dads. Many Dads get together and have a beer around the kids, but this (I'm guessing) wouldn't upset the same sensibilities. It is applied to Americans, but not the French. It is common in France to have a drink of wine with the family at dinner, and in fact some older children are given wine cut with water.

But this line of attack must include the underlying premise that drinking alcohol is entirely bad. Otherwise, would not the detractors admit that reasonable controlled drinking in a social situation is a GOOD behavior to model for your children?

2) What if a child is hurt at the playdate?

Is it a life-threatening injury? Are the Moms too drunk to dial 911?

3) You wouldn't allow another caregiver to drink while with your child.

They are on the clock. You are living your life.

This brings up another important point, however. Another fundamental tenant of MLMs is that once you make the decision to have a child, you forfeit adult pleasures, because you are no longer a person, you are a MOMMY.

4) Drinking may be a crutch, or a sign that a Mom is suffering for some mental problems.

Taking your temperature might be a sign you are a hypochondirac.

Washing your hands might be a sign that you are a obsessive-compulsive.

Running and screaming away from a tiny, sickly field mouse might be a sign you are a musophobe. OK, maybe that's a bad example.

This attack is nothing more than a subtle ad hominem attack. You are not just having a drink, you are a sick person who needs help.

My attacks on Meredith Viera and Janet Taylor, made above, are examples of the same sort of attack. Viera is just another ratings-seeking turd-stirrer, and Taylor is a corporate shill talking head who gladly sells her diploma for cash. Those statements are the blunt versions. But they are completely made-up statements that have no bearing on the actual debate at hand.

I'm sure Meredith Viera and Doctor Taylor are honest upstanding individuals who would not sue some random blogger, any less than they would ambush some other random blogger on national TV.

Suggestions

2007-01-22T15:46:00.000-06:00

To: "The Politico"
Re: Suggestions for Your New Online/Print Publication

Please fill your publication with lots of sassy attitude.

More articles on fashion.

Perhaps a diner's guide.

Print articles in different colors to denote importance or subject matter (environmental articles in green, war in red, etc).

Larger type face, a sans serif font.

More monkeys.

Keep us up to date on Brad and Angelina. And where's Britney been these last few months?

Editorials or Op-Eds printed as lyrics, with accompanying original scores.

Brit tabloid The Sun has this thing called "Page 3." Give something like that a shot.

Finally, rely heavily on Larry Sabato for quotes.

Best of luck,
B.V.

New Year's Resignations

2007-01-05T09:10:00.000-06:00

Who am I kidding? There is no way I am going to keep my resolution to "read more."

"Persian Fire": the book I picked up with a Christmas gift card, to feed my fascination with Themistocles, is sitting on the basement coffee table, slowly being buried by layers of magazines, coloring book pages, and TV Guides.

So rather than making a bunch of promises of the better person I am going to be this coming year, instead I will come to peace with some of the realities of this life.

SET FORTH ON THIS DAY, THE FIFTH OF JANUARY IN THE YEAR 2007. I AM HEREBY RESIGNED TO THE FACT:

That the chance I will ever host my own late night talk show, network or cable, is exceedingly slim.

That it is highly unlikely I will ever get a shot at the UFC title.

That there will probably never be that zombie invasion, and my years of preparations will be for naught.

That body hair has become significantly less attractive ever since Magnum P.I. went off the air.

That the sport I will almost certainly be eternally regarded as "best at" will be bowling.

I feel better, now that the burden of those expectations are mostly behind me. Now, back to organizing my Presidential Exploratory Committee.

Stimulating Conversation On A Nine-Hour Car Trip

2007-01-02T08:51:00.000-06:00

"You know how right after you pick your nose, everything smells like booger?"

"I don't even know what booger smells like."

"It smells like everything right after you pick your nose."

Pleasant Thought for the Holidays #3 (Christmas Eve Edition)

2006-12-24T19:53:00.000-06:00

On Friday, I take my mother, wife and sweet daughter, Petunia, to the movies. We see Night at the Museum, funny family fare that fires up Petunia about wanting to go see the Museum here in Washington.

Digression on Night at the Museum. Ben Stiller plays the lead, and Robin Williams has a significant part... and it is still funny. Keys to this success: First, Stiller plays an average guy, instead of his usual range of doofus to asshole. Second, Williams is bound by an actual historical figure (Teddy Roosevelt), and thus must restrain himself. Also good to see Mickey Rooney getting work. Digression ends.

So Saturday, I get up early to take the family to Petunia's last gymnastics class of the season. We have not been allowed to watch for the past couple months, as parents can be a distraction when a child is trying to walk a balance beam or perform a tumble. This being the last class, however, we are invited to come and see how much progress has been made. My little darling does very well, and I am excited to enroll her in January so she can keep advancing those gross motor skills.

After gymnastics, we head straight downtown to find a good parking space on the Mall, right by the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History, where I spend the next couple hours chasing Petunia from room to room. She is bent on finding as many items in the museum that match things in the movie. We counted six: a lion, a Caputian monkey, cave-men mannequins, a security guard, T. Rex bones, and a moai statue from Easter Island. We grabbed lunch in the surprisingly good (although pricey) café in the bottom floor of the museum, then headed out.

Walking east a couple blocks, we came to the Sculpture Garden, whose central fountain has been turned into an outdoor ice-skating rink. The weather is clear and unseasonably warm, and the ice is the tiniest bit slushy, but Merseydotes and Petunia strap on skates and hit the ice. Mersey struggles keeping Petunia upright, and they only make it around the big rink about four times before both are exhausted, but Petunia loves the experience. Grandma and I followed them around from outside the rink, snapping pictures and shouting words of encouragement.

I was getting a bit tired at this point, but Petunia seemed energized and fascinated by all she had seen this day. So after a short rest (which Merseydotes needed more than the rest of us) while watching the Zamboni, we pressed on.

We walked back to the car and drove to the Botanical Gardens. They have two neat holiday displays. The first is a collection of model trains, including one set on a mountain featuring lots of tunnels, little houses (some taken from fairy tales, like the Three Little Pigs), and a large castle set on top. The second is a set of scale models of the national monuments (the Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington) and other important DC buildings (Library of Congress, Capitol, Supreme Court, Smithsonian Castle) made entirely from plant materials.

Running along the center of the room where these replicas were being displayed, was a rectangular fountain, which children were tossing coins into. Petunia asked for a coin, and I searched my pockets and pulled out a nickel, which she promptly hurled into the water. As she backed away from the fountain, I asked,

“So, Petunia, what did you wish for?”

“A new daddy.”

I pick her up and look her in the eyes. “What do you mean, ‘a new daddy’? What’s wrong with the old daddy?” No answer.

Laughter by the water, from another couple with several young children who had been making wishes of their own. “If its any consolation, I thought she said ‘a new dolly.’”

So there I am. Disposable daddy who has take this child all over the place, cheered her on, shown her sights, laughed and played with her. It is two days before Christmas, ripe with the wild possibilities of what Santa could bring, and my daughter sacrifices a nickel to some minor Neptune for a new pater familias.

Fast forward a day later, and this comment has been haunting me. I have brought it up several times during the day, and ask Petunia again at dinner tonight (Christmas Eve) why she wants a new daddy.

Having some time to mull it over, and well-aware that she is only hours away from the finish line of having to stay on Santa’s “Nice” list, she replies that she does not in fact want a new daddy, but what she meant is that she wants two daddies. The other daddy would be just like me in every way, and one could cook us dinner each night, while the other just played with her.

You gotta hand it to her. The kid is good.

Pleasant Thought for the Holidays #2

2006-12-07T19:13:00.000-06:00

For cryin' out loud, lady, if you are carting a lot of produce for which you can't find the PLU code, and you are trying to purchase balloons that don't have a bar code, and you want to pay for your entire grocery purchase with the sweaty wrinkled wad of singles... then DON'T FRIGGING USE THE SELF CHECK-OUT LINE!

Also, follow-up to pleasant holiday thought #1... Number of puppies to be kicked this season so far: 3.

Free For All

2006-11-26T21:11:00.000-06:00

My relatively new video Ipod is loaded with some of my favorite albums, ripped from already-owned CDs. It also has a copy of "Night of the Living Dead," which is in the public domain and downloaded from some random site. I actually have used ITunes, to subscribe to podcasts and grab the occasional pilot or season-premiere of a TV series.

The common element is that I have refused to spend a single dollar on content. So far, not really a problem. Plenty of good podcasts out there. I'm reaquainting myself with Harry Shearer's "Le Show", as well as with the BBC's excellent "In Our Time": both of which I used to listen to regularly, but fell away from. I also keep up to date with new funny "Strong Bad" emails (from Homestarrunner), without the help of Fark.com. Even local radio gods, Don and Mike, podcast some of their shows through ITunes, which helps just about break the last ties I had to terrestrial radio. (Find the links yourselves, folks.)

What I haven't been able to find is much free content for my 3-year old daughter. We always bring along the portable DVD player on long car trips, so I thought dedicating a portion of the Ipod's hard drive to children's fare would make sense. But then again, there is that hang-up about parting with my money.

So I decided to make some content myself.

Since we are starting into the Christmas/Holiday season (see Elevated Umbrella over the next couple weeks, as Mrs Valentine plans every detail of the military operation that is to be our Holiday Party), I thought I might work on some seasonally appropriate fare.

I quickly discovered that "Twas The Night Before Christmas" is in the public domain, that is, its free and no one will come after me for messing with it.

I took the illustrations from a 1912 print edition of the book (off of Gutenberg.org), and the audio from Librivox.org where volunteers produce audiobook versions of classic public-domain works.

I then used Microsoft Windows Movie Maker to combine the two, using some very simple effects and transitions between the still illustrations, keeping them in sync with the audio narration.

The end result can be found on Google Video here. It can be watched online, or downloaded to a computer or Ipod (or similar device). And the cost is even something I can swallow, absolutely free.

Eventually, the ice will break, and I will start forking over cash for content. But until then, I have a few episodes of Superman cartoons from the 1940s, clips from the old "Man Show" (when it was good), and random animations via Channel Frederator to keep me going.

Pleasant Thought for the Holidays #1

2006-11-25T22:29:00.000-06:00

This holiday season, each and every time I hear George Michael sing "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away..." I am going to kick a puppy.

You are warned, holiday-formatted radio stations and department stores playing Christmas muzak. The responsibility is yours.

Return from the Cheesebarn

2006-11-20T15:05:00.001-06:00

As you may have noticed, this is my first post since June. Some of you know that for the past few months I have been living in self-imposed exile at the Cheesebarn, romping among the nicknacks during the day, and sleeping every night on a pile of Beanie Babies, and eating nothing but pickled and aged foodstuffs.

Now I have returned.

Seriously, my job was intensely time-consuming for a while, thus I could not spending the usual number of hours meticulously crafting each post, editing, re-writing, translating by hand into Portugese, then back into English. I refuse to contribute new thoughts that are not absolutely perfec.

It is my hope (and yours I am certain), now my calendar has opened up a bit, that the thoughts will flow free and clear from my font of wisdom.

Thoughts from the Cheesebarn

2006-06-01T14:50:00.000-05:00

Stopped by Grandpa's Cheesebarn for lunch, and picked up a souvenir: the official Cheesebarn coffee mug.

While jotting some notes in pencil over a roast beef and swiss sub with horseradish mustard, I wrote something down that I later decided was not put exactly right. Using my eraser in broad strokes, I sloppily erased the section and moved on. For some reason, it reminded me of the times my Father used to help me with elementary school homework. It drove him nuts that I was such a poor eraser, and he also suggested I slow down and thoroughly remove any words or letters I didn't want.

I don't know why that occurred to me today. May just be the fact I was using pencil.

Then, when using the facilities, I noticed a homemade printed sign that asked I remember to flush only toilet paper and NOT paper towels down the toilet. I think there may be a market for professionally printed signs to that effect, because I think I am seeing more and more of them just typed on paper taped up in restroom stalls.

Anyway, it caused another Proustian moment, in that I recalled that for one week each summer, I would stay with my Aunt and Uncle in Euclid. It was always during the week of the 185th Street Festival. I got to have fun away from home, and my parents got to have fun with me out of their hair.

I recalled the year, and I must have been around 10 perhaps, when my Aunt and Uncle must have just finished having problems with the commode. Right at the start of my visit, when I had used the throne for the first time and come out of the bathroom, my Aunt asked me if I had flushed "tissue."

She meant facial tissue, I thought she meant bathroom tissue. After confessing that I had, she told me not to flush tissue but to use the waste basket.

Now, I was a young and obedient lad. I thought her suggestion was kind gross, but I didn't ask any questions. The next time I dutifully tossed used toilet paper in the wastebasket. I was, if I recall correctly, kind enough to really wad up clean TP around the used pieces.

Sorry for another post delving into the scatalogical. I tried to keep this one as free from disgusting bits as possible, unlike my battle with the shower drain. It is just weird to me that two random memories of my youth would both rise up to my consciousness today.

Four Quick Thoughts...

2006-05-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

...for today:

First, blogspot really pisses me off when it loses a post. Take for instance, the post I was just working on, called "Three Quick Thoughts..."

Second, I reviewed the just-released list of Tony Award nominations, to look at all the names I don't recognize. One thing caught my eye. Did anyone even know this exists?

Third, alert the media; I am officially declaring the start of summer. It occurred at 6:30 tonight when I took my first bite of the cubano quesadilla we made on the grill. Garlic smothered gilled pork, grilled red onions, ham, swiss cheese, pickles, and mustard, wrapped in a tortilla and thrown back on the grill to all melt together.

Fourth, Merseydotes pointed me to Sweet Juniper!, because she thought I would appreciate Dutch's post on The children's books you wish celebrities would write: Vol. 2. It was right up my alley. I liked it so much, I mixed his images up with an audio track and some special effects, the end result is viewable here.

A Place To Do Stuff

2006-05-12T23:37:00.000-05:00

After being rebuffed by Angela Norris of the Asheville Convention and Visitors Bureau (see the post below), I decided to make one last attempt at winning the handsome $100 prize.

I stumbled on this otherwise boring tourist promotional video for some place in Australia, then very sloppily punched it up with some text overlays and effects. Since her criticism included the astute observation that I had not included original material, I decided to simply lift my next attempt, with an intentionally ham-handed attempt to make it look new.

The result is here, and has been submitted to the ACVB. Note the video is entirely in its original condition (including music), with only text effects added.

That c-note is mine for sure. Wish me luck!

Unscripted

2006-05-11T13:49:00.000-05:00

Through AdFreak, I came across the tourism website for Asheville, North Carolina. They are sponsoring a contest for everyday morons to shoot their own ad to attract people to the city.

The site also has example of some of their previous round TV and print spots, with the theme "Unscripted."

One spot features a middle-aged couple taking a tour of some mansion and enjoying classic architecture, then young wild mountain bikers come by and disturb them. The spot highlights the wide range of activities available to tourists, and the "anything can happen" attitude typified in the "unscripted" theme. Sorry I slipped into pitch mode.

Another spot shows two old saggy nudists playing in a river. No really.

Anyway, I decided to remix the two; featuring the middle-aged couple disturbed by the nude codgers. Its here on Google Video. Not spectacular.

Then, I decided to up the ante, and replaced the walking wrinkles with some footage from the trailer to a cheesy horror film. The 'film' (may actually be video) is called "Ice Queen" and the trailer was downloadable and bad enough that I thought I would hang onto it for just such an emergency. Now, this second mashup features our architectural tourists disturbed by a vicious killer alien she-beastie.

Slightly more amusing, especially the dull reaction shots from the couple as the creature sticks her taloned fist into some slacker's gut.

Five and Counting...

2006-04-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

I had a difficult time thinking of something to give my wife for our anniversary.

They say the traditional gift for a Fifth Anniversary is wood.

The jokes write themselves, folks.

Other great historical April 21sts:

*) Rosie Ruiz fakes winning/completing the Boston marathon (1980). Her husband would later comment that it should not have come as a surprise, since she fakes finishing all the time at home.

*) Rome was founded (753 B.C., by tradition). However, it was not built in a day.

*) The Red Baron was shot down (1918). Thankfully, his pizza lives on.

*) Elvis Aaron Presley gets his first #1 hit (1956). Thank you, Colonel Tom Parker.

*) Economist John Maynard Keynes died (1946). The cause of death was ruled to be cardial stagflation.

Seriously, I love you, Merseydotes. You have made these last five years the happiest of my life.

But How Do The Carnival Guys Do It?

2006-04-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

Parent Center has this handy child Height Predictor, which asks you for a few simple pieces of information about your child (sex, age, height and weight) and both parents (heights), then calculates an estimate of what your child's height will be at age eighteen.

I, of course, thought it would be fun to play around with their model and see what funky results I could get out of it.

If you have a 3-year boy, who is currently 5-feet tall, and weighs 98 pounds, with a mother who is 6' 1", and a father who is 4' 3", the model comes back with the following:

"We ran into a problem while running the calculation. Please make sure you filled in these fields correctly and try again:
Age (Our results show your child would be 9' 4".)"

Magnificent. What a family, eh? OK, let's keep the parents the same, but make our boy 3-feet tall adn 40 pounds.

The website replies "Your son will likely be 6 feet, 2 inches tall at age 18. This prediction is a "best guess" but it's still just that -- a guess. Based on the formula we used,* there's a 58 percent chance your son's full-grown height will be within 1 inch (above or below) of this prediction, an 85 percent chance it will be within 2 inches, and an 96 percent chance it will be within 3 inches."

Let's keep the boy the same, and make both parents 6' 2" (what the model predicted last time). I want to see if we keep the same predicted height, but perhaps improve our margin of error.

No! The 58, 85, and 96% figures and the predicted height all remain the same.

What if the parents were both diminuitive (4' 3" as the father in my first test)?

No change!!! Still a predicted 6' 2". So what in the hell do they need the parents' heights for?

The website explains:

"This method relies on where your son falls on the Centers for Disease Control's growth charts, and it assumes that he'll remain in the same percentile until he reaches his adult height. The accuracy of the prediction varies because some children will fall into different percentiles throughout childhood.

*Reference:The Multiplier Method for Prediction of Adult Height By Jonathan Paley, Jonathan Talor, Anna Levin, Anil Bhave, Dror Paley, and John E. Herzenberg Journal of Pediatric Orthopaedics, October 2004 "

Additional answers like in a press release from back in May of 2005 further detailing the methodology:

"For children under age 4, the improved tool uses the new "Multiplier Method," outlined in the October 2004 issue of The Journal of Pediatric Orthopedics, in which height forecasts are based on average height multipliers calculated from Centers for Disease Control data. For children ages 4 and older, the ParentCenter.com Height Predictor uses the widely accepted Khamis and Roche method that relies on height measurements of each parent for its predictions. ParentCenter.com is the first Web site to integrate the two leading methods into one easy-to-use tool. "

A Ha! So, if I move up to an 8-year old boy who is 3-feet tall and 40 lbs, with parents of 9'3" and 7'3", I should get a tall prediction if the "after 4" model is based solely on the parents.

The result?

"Your boy will likely be 5 feet, 10 inches at age 18. Young men often continue to grow a little past 18 until they reach 21, but their height at age 18 is very close to their final adult height. This prediction is a "best guess" but it's still just that -- a guess. Based on the formula we used* there is a 50 percent chance that your boy's full-grown height will be within 0.8 inches (above or below) of this prediction, and a 90 percent chance that it will be within 2.1 inches.

The fine print: Parents' heights are a good predictor of a child's adult height, but heredity only accounts for about 70 percent of what goes into deciding how tall someone will be. The other 30 percent comes from environmental factors, like eating habits (poor nutrition can "stunt" a child's growth) and exercise patterns (a competitive gymnast may not grow to her full potential).

Sometimes a child will surprise everyone and turn out much taller or shorter than either parent. This calculator can't account for that possibility. It also won't work well for children who 1) are exceptionally tall, 2) are already taller than both their parents, or 3) have a condition that affects their height, such as growth hormone deficiency. "

Raising the boy up 1-foot (to 4) and 10 lbs (to 50), holding age and parents' height the same, gives a prediction of 6'10". So the post-4 model must use both child and adult factors, while the model for the under 4 is based solely on the child.

Back to work.

Mere Miracles

2006-04-06T08:18:00.000-05:00

To: Alan Cooperman @ The Washington Post

It was with some interest I read your article on the new scientific explanation for the Biblical miracle of Jesus walking on water.

You may not be aware that I have proposed several theories which explain other mysteries of religion:

The secret of the miracle of the loaves and fishes was Supersized 'Filet-O'-Fish' Extra Value Meals.

The success of almost all of Hercules' labors was a direct result of steroid use.

Amd Gautama's escape from the law of karma to become the Buddha... Scientology.

So Many Questions

2006-04-03T13:53:00.000-05:00

I have a few questions about this article.

What kind of a name is "Sturt"?

If you were Florence Sturt's daughter, would you keep your maiden name, or take your husband's "Tarnutzer"?

When was the other time she was dealt a perfect cribbage hand?

Which Jack was she holding?

It took eleven days for the news of the perfect hand to reach the journalist?

What other news item was bumped from the day's paper so they could fit this in?

Jesus, it is 36 freakin' degrees there?! (kind of rhetorical)

Is the St. Ignace News really the "Upbuilder of the Home - Nourisher of the Community Spirit - Arts, Letters, and Sciences of the Common People."?

Will I remember four weeks from now to pay $5 for full access to the article?

And one final awesome note: This paper has an RSS feed.

Thanks to fark.com for the link.

Extreme Makeover: TV Edition

2006-03-28T08:18:00.000-06:00

To: Phinel.petitfrere@abc.com, extremehomes@hotmail.com
Subject: Some Free Advice

I read your memo for EMHE. You are really not thinking outside the box when it comes to some of the available tribulations. How about looking for some families dealing with:

Necrotizing fasciitis, the "flesh-eating bacteria."

Leprosy.

Halitosis... really, really bad breath.

The whole spectrum of dependency: not just drugs and alcohol, but Internet/porn/sex addictions as well.

Excessive earwax.

An "ugly duckling"... a beautiful family with one child who is ugly as sin, but otherwise healthy.

Finally, I know you have made several unsuccessful attempts at this in the past, but can you put some effort behind having a terminally ill family member actually die during the week? This is clearly something to save for sweeps.

Yours,
B.V.

The Valentine Audio Archives

2006-03-22T15:03:00.000-06:00

I signed up for the Google Page Creator, and now have 100 megs of space to play with. I initially set up a homepage, but I realized the primary purpose was to have a place for the random audio files in my archives that I've wanted to post, but could not. I can post images in the blog, and video files on video.google.com, but there was no place for audio files.

I'm not starting a podcast, mind you. I have played around with audio as a hobby, and have things I sometimes want to share.

In the end, I think I'll kill any actual published website, and just use the space to house the audio files which I'll link to here. Until then, you can find links to an old ad I cut from my college radio days in the mid-90s, as well as a fake political radio ad I made in 2000.

My Biography of L. Ron Hubbard

2006-03-20T09:11:00.000-06:00

These are all actual images taken from the Church of Scientology's official website biography of Hubbard. The words are my own interpretation of the images.

While I cannot be certain that these events happened, they certainly would explain a lot...

The Biography of L. Ron Hubbard - Part 1

For the first ten years of his life, L. Ron Hubbard was raised in a windowless room. His only source of entertainment was an old worn copy of Samuel Taylor Coleridge poems.

At the age of 12, L. Ron Hubbard made the aquaintance of a man he only ever knew as "Cap'n Lance."

Cap'n Lance explained to the young man much of life's mysteries: about the lonesomeness of a man's life aboard ship. He also taught Hubbard quite a bit about seamen.

Accounts conflict as to whether "Cap'n" Lance was actually affiliated with any of the armed services, or if he had ever actually been on a boat.

However, the young Hubbard grew fond of his mentor, although their occassional tussle left him, in his own words, "awful sore."

Shortly after his 13th birthday, L. Ron was sent on a long educational overseas trip by his parents to, in his father's words "try to stop being such a candy-ass."

Upon arrival, he was quickly kidnapped and sold to people he believed were Buddhist monks, for whom he worked as a piece of furniture.

After several months, the monks took pity on him and told him they would teach him the secrets of the Shaolin Temple. Of course, they were not in the Shaolin Temple, and had no training in martial arts. They were, however, accomplished puppeteers.

Hubbard found himself under the tutelage of Master Fuque, a 12-level black-belt puppeteer.

Fuque had such advanced mastery in the marionette arts, he had abandoned traditional puppets, and was only interested in dangling a ball from a string on a stick.

Hubbard was amazed and awestruck by how the Master made the ball dance. He did nothing but watch the orb flit around the Master's head for hours on end, for many months.

Of course, he learned nothing during that time, but it was an experience he would never forget.

Eventually, the insane asylum was shut down on health code violations, and Chinese government officials were surprised to discover Hubbard living with the inmates. Confiscating his beret, they issued him a pith helmet and cast him adrift in a lifeboat in the South Seas.

His boat came ashore on an uncharted Polynesian island. L. Ron befriended a young native boy, whom he affectionately called Boo-Boo.

Boo-Boo set Hubbard up in a small cave, and each day would bring him a handful of what smelled like poi. In exchange, L. Ron would launder Boo-Boo's skirts, which were easily soiled.

Here ends part 1 of the my imagined biography of L. Ron Hubbard. There are still plenty of terrible images on their website for a part 2, including Hubbard's time spent at Hogwarts:

Don't blame me, its the Body Thetans.

By the way, if you want to watch the South Park episode explaining all you need to know about Scientology,you can watch it here.

Warning Signs

2006-03-19T20:49:00.000-06:00

If any or all of the following symptons appear, discontinue use and contact a physician:

Blurred Vision

Nausea

Headache

Everyone assumes (however incorrectly) that the barf in the bathtub is yours.

Cramps

Bloating

Frequent Urination

The forced consumption of one and only one fried cheesestick at 2AM followed by uncontrollable moaning.

Rash and/or hives

Dropping your wallet in a urinal.

The spins.

Enthusiastically performing "The Time Warp," including lyrics and motions, at a piano bar.

Discussing the all-you-can-eat porn option on the hotel Spectravision for $29.99, versus the single title for $12.99, you comment to your WIFE, "Call down to the front desk and ask them how much for just five or ten minutes."

Learning that the local CVS Pharmacy is also a liquour store sounds like a good idea, because if you are thinking of mixing your prescription meds with high proof alcohol, you really don't want to have to make two trips.

------------

Kentucky's distilleries thank you for your continued support and remind you to: Know when to say "make my next one a double."
--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

Tgifridyas

2006-03-18T23:54:00.000-06:00

Chickn tenders and stuff

Don't think I'll be conScious to enjoy.

Hey shakira is on SNL.

This is a bad idea.

Perjaps I'Ll hold on to remember the wiisdom that sometimes clarity springs from obfuscation.

That's total bullshit. I don't know what I'm talkking about.

Bourbon Sucks.
--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

World baeseball

2006-03-18T23:07:00.000-06:00

The wrold baseball classic will save mankind. Mark my words.

God am I drunk.
Fc

C sometimes oh jesus I think the world wiLl end wihtout knowing....

--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

Thingd that broke my shit up

2006-03-18T22:06:00.000-06:00

Ok I'm drunk, at fourth dtreet live in lousivellie.

So what? What are you doing toinght?

My mother-in -law sang "I'm proud to be an american" by lee greenwood at a high school talent show.

My wife's uncle is blowing chunks in a hotel room.

I'm discussing the avdantages of qwerty keyoboards with the groom's father.

So what?

Who are you to judge me?
--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

The Voice of Reason

2006-03-17T08:54:00.000-06:00

Following Isaac Hayes' departure from the cast of South Park, the Scientologists have been putting pressure on Comedy Central about the "Trapped in the Closet" episode. Comedy Central recently decided to pull a re-air of the episode.

Daily Variety covers this skirmish, including the amusing press release Parker and Stone put out, in response:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

The duo signed the statement "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."

This just about confirms their status as our nation's top satirists.

The Scum and The Furry

2006-03-14T23:43:00.000-06:00

Warning: the following account is not for the squeamish.

Two days ago, I pulled a slimy, hairy smelly rat by its tail, out of my shower drain.

Hooked? OK, it wasn't really a rat, but all of the other descriptors apply, and it had roughly the same proportions as one.

The water had been draining much too slowly in our shower for a few days, and Sunday was my first opportunity to do a little fishing.

Going after a clog with a drain-snake is a lot like fishing, actually: You get really drunk, keep casting a line into the water, and reel in too quickly a couple times thinking you have a nibble. And when you finally do catch something, you call your fishing partner (wife in this case) over to examine your catch and heap accolades upon you.

In this case, the praise I was given consisted of, "Oh, that's disgusting," "That makes me want to throw up," and "Why do you think I would want to see that?" Frankly, I am used to these phrases from other interactions with Mrs. Valentine.

Anyway, I tossed the mucky blob into the trash, and smugly thought that was the end. Surely that gray/black sac of rot was the cause of the slow drainage, and our shower will empty quickly for years to come. How wrong I was.

The shower was no better yesterday morning. Not worse, but not better. Another decaying tangle of follicles, perhaps? Tonight, I went back in to investigate.

For those of you still hanging in there and reading this at lunch time, put down you greasy pork sandwich for a moment. Its about to get really gross.

Several thorough attempts at snaking produced nothing, not even the sort of "nibble" or trace evidence suggesting I was on the right track.

Then I produced a plunger, with the thought I could blast down whatever it was I seemed incapable of dragging up. I ran the shower for a minute to let the drain back-up and given me a half-inch of standing water. Then I started plunging down vigorously.

Here's an interesting physics lesson I had forgotten since high school: while I increased the pressure in the pipe when I pushed down, I created a vacuum in the pipe when I pulled up. Specifically, the lesson is that nature abhors a vacuum, and when it spots one, it fills the vacuum with gray fetid water and brownish flakes of pure slime. All of which started to come out of the drain and into the shower stall.

I was initially taken aback by this development, but in a Malcom-Gladwellian "blink," quickly decided that a half-inch of putrescence must be a sign of progress.

Continuing my intense plunging action, I drew more of the flabby slices of goo out of the drain, occasionally pausing to scoop a few of the bigger ones out so they wouldn't go back down. In the bathroom, the other open lines to the sewer (bath tub drain, two sinks, and toilet), all gurgled a demonic chorus in response to the rite of the plumber-exorcist.

And like Linda Blair's pea soup vomit on Von Sydow's face, a little of the liquid evil I was attacking hit me in the kisser. It tasted like death and Clairol conditioner.

I needed a moment to regroup. Despite having pulled up a fair amount of the plaque, the water was not draining when I stopped plunging, not even slowly as it had before.

It was time for chemical warfare. While I have had mixed success with drain purging supplements, I thought a visit to the store was appropriate.

Spitting compulsively, as I would for the next 30 minutes, I drove to the store and perused the cleaning aisle. Concerned that a simple lye-based product would not work, because whatever this blockage was it was not simply hair that I could chemicially transform into soap, I was willing to try something more radical.

Then I saw it: Liquid Plumber Power Jet. A pressurized canister containing a weaponized grade of gook-fighting foam, that you place directly over the drain and allow the ENTIRE contents to expode out in a matter of seconds.

They might as well call it a Can of Whoop-Ass.

Returning home, I sealed the drain to the bath tub, and positioned the Can of W.A. over the shower drain and pushed down, as directed. The Can emptied immediately.

"Is that it?," Mrs. Valentine inquired from a safe distance (sadly also a phrase I am used to). I withdrew the can and peered into murky, chunky water over the drain. A few white bubbles rose to the surface, but otherwise nothing.

Despite a lack of evidence, I sensed victory was close and gave the pipe a tentative plunge. I didn't apply a lot of pressure, because having foul fluids fling in your face is one thing, having corrosive chemicals cling to your kisser is another.

Then the miracle happened. A deep gurgle could be heard from the pipes, a watery death-rattle, then it all just drained away.

Well, most of it. I ran the shower to help rinse away the stuff that had clung, then gave the whole area a good bleachy cleaning. Sometimes cleaning with bleach stings my nose, but tonight it smelled like Jesus.

So there you have it. Besides waves of nausea and a ringing product endorsement, I'm not sure you got anything out of this. I feel better, though.

--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

Real-Time Oscar Thoughts

2006-03-05T19:04:00.000-06:00

Opening film- Good call on Jon Stewart's part, let Billy Crystal make the first Brokeback joke of the night. Billy is a favorite of the Academy, and if he can make the joke, then its OK for Jon to make the joke. Maybe it even takes the pressure off of Jon. Pretty funny, although, I was kind of waiting for someone at Johnny Carson's grave, bending over the headstone asking "Are you sure you're not available?" The humor petered out when Stewart actually appeared.

The monologue has a bit of a rough beginning. "Death to Smootchie" reference, making fun of 3rd world adoption... yikes. Got to soften up the Hollywood elite with some ass-kissing or some better self-referential humor. Does better interacting with Clooney, and while touching on the nominees and their movies.

OK, the shouting at the audience has to go, Jon. That's a comedian's act of desperation on stage.

Gay cowboy montage- easy laughs, but well-done and short.

Best supporting actor. Effing George Clooney? Paul Giamatti needs to be recognized by the Acadamy. Ah, but the speech did not disappoint. One year, Clooney will send a Native American to accept an award in his place, mark my words.

Thanks Tom Hanks. Mildly amusing take on the Acceptance Speech That Will Not End. No thanks Ben Stiller. One unfunny gag drawn out for 2 minutes. If I wanted that, I'd watch SNL. If I wanted to stretch out 2 hours, I'd watch Zoolander.

Uh oh, Stewart already falling HEAVILY back on the Jewish jokes, another sign of trouble.

A very shiny Naomi Watts, dressed in a torn looking dress, introduces Dolly Parton. Watts looks like she put on a foundation of Wesson oil and wrestled with Kong before she came out.

As for Dolly, that corset's girders are cold-riveted with a core of pure Selenium. Whoever designed that outfit is either a certified genius or an authentic wacko. (Apologies to Dr. Ray Stantz).

Another Uh oh for Stewart, making fun of Scientology. Alienates a third of the audience. Making fun of the Baldwins, that alienates another third. Take my advice, friend, stay away from Kabbalah.

Luke Wilson looks like he is going to burst. Step back, Owen!!!

Did "Chicken LIttle" really make it that big this year? I thought it was a flop. Oh right, it was a Disney flick, and this is ABC. This, in the lingo, is called synergy, my friends.

I am waiting for Jennifer Aniston to radically change the hairdo. Having a hard time making a job transition, relationship troubles, kissing Vince Vaughn: warning signs all. Go the Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron route, and uglify yourself for a gritty and/or arty flick. Just once, then you can go back to romantic comedies. This will push off having to show your breasts on camera to land a roll back by at least five years.

Actors' portrayal of historic figures overlooked in their montage: John Wayne as Ghengis Khan and Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious.

Is Will Ferrell in blackface? And you couldn't make out the problem with Steve Carrell's make-up until the close-up. Weak, they should have had zits and a scar or something distinct.

Hour one ends.

------

Someone get Morgan Freeman a tie for cryin' out loud. Oh, forget it, his voice makes up for it. Funny that one of our most accomplished actors who does a great deal of voiceover work makes the first flub of the evening with the teleprompter. Although I would consider Ben Stiller's entire thing a flub, so maybe it wasn't the first.

The hot chick from The Mummy is going to be a Mommy!

Lauren Bacall decided not to wear her glasses to come out and read the lines, it would appeal... er appear. The "film noir" montage she introduced makes me think they should have had gay sub-text montages for all film genre's.

OK, the political ads for the "Best Actress" category were strong. Jon Stewart bringing in the old Daily Show alums, first Steve Carell, then Stephen Colbert here to do the voiceover. Best leave it at that, Jon. If Rob Corddry shows up to do a bit, that might be going a little far.

Charlize Theron's dress looks like something a "Project Runway" loser might have slapped together. The fit is so important, people. Make it work!

"Hi, my name is Jennifer Lopez, star of Gigli. Here's a lady singing in front of a flaming car with a bunch of shadowy people doing what appears to be really bad Tai Chi in the smoke behind her. Enjoy"

So much shouting, Jon. They hear English well, my friend, no need to yell.

Do you think Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves have even seen each other since Speed premiered? It's been like 25 years. Why put them together? By the same logic, why isn't John Travolta up there with Samuel L. Jackson?

Thank you Salma Hayek... for being.

And Itzhak Perlman is my cue to take the dog for her last walk of the night. And I'm back just in time to see Jon poke a little fun at him. Perfect.

Does anyone sense the irony of showing a montage of clips highlighting how great movies look on the "big screen," to millions of people watching at home on their TV sets? I would have shown a few clips full screen, then shown little tiny postage stamp version in the corner of an otherwise black screen: representing the difference in size between the average movie screen and TV screen.

One last thought for this hour. I thought Jessica Alba looked hot on the red carpet tonight until I saw Salma moments ago. Salma makes Jessica look like a scrawnly little boy who was given breast implants.

Hour two all wrapped up.

------

My new theme song: "Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp.". Jordan, Cedric and Paul, you have penned a classic.

I am now going to say words that may have never before been uttered by man. "Thank you, Ben Affleck." Thank you for providing a way to enlarge Jennifer Garner's breasts without surgery.

"Oh yeah..." moments in the "Dead Reel": Pat Morita, Shelley Winters, Eddie Albert, Richard Pryor. Great injustice: Pat Morita got to make four Karate Kid movies, Richard Prynor could never get "The Toy 2" or "Brewster's Millions 2: Brewster's Billions" greenlighted.

Tonight marks the first time Jamie Foxx has been onstage at an awards show and NOT done a Ray Charles impression.

Finally, the Academy corrects the great injustice of having failed to nominate Reese Witherspoon for her performance in "Legally Blond."

Larry McMurtry is so wasted! Dude.

They should have handed Ang Lee the Oscar for "Brokeback Mountain," then immediately taken it back for "The Incredible Hulk."

Few people know this, but Jack Nicholson wears those sunglasses to prevent the laser beams that shoot from his ocular sockets from destroying everything he lays eyes on.

OK, the "Crash" folks are wrapping up, so it looks like my work here is just about done.

Night of Fire!

2006-02-27T20:43:00.000-06:00

Rise up from your chair.
Push back the furniture.
Dance!

Weirdest Thing

2006-02-26T19:30:00.000-06:00

I was just pulling the highly frowned-upon maneuver of drinking OJ straight from the carton out of the fridge. Its almost empty, so I was not worried about passing my germs on to others.

As I grabbed the carton from the door, my eye immediately darted over to the small container of chocolate milk my daughter had been drinking from at lunch. Just as quickly, I coveted it, and my conscious mind forgot totally about orange juice and fixated on the milk.

However, somewhere a synapse failed to relay new marching orders to my muscles. I continued pulling the OJ carton from the door, twisted off the lid (its one of those hybrid cartons you don't peel back on side of... but I guess all juice comes like that now), and put it to my lips.

Now here's the weird part. My mind was thinking "chocolate milk...chocolate milk..." and was already anticipating the taste. And at that moment, the orange juice hit my tongue.

Nothing was wrong with the juice, its still a ways off from expiration, but my the reaction of my mind to this was 'This is not chocolate milk... nor is it anything remotely milk-like or chocolaty. There must be something wrong with this!"

Stunned by this odd sensation of citrus when my mind expected cocoa, I held the juice in my mouth for a second while the 286 processor in my head pondered all that had transpired in the past few seconds (I run Windows 3, by the way, very stable). Once the substance was positively identified as OJ and the whole trouble cleared up, I could finally swallow.

If I had only used a glass.
--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

That's Using Your Head

2006-02-10T15:19:00.000-06:00

Woman Carrying Human Head Arrested in Florida

"Airport baggage screeners found a human head with teeth, hair and skin in the luggage of a woman who said she intended to ward off evil spirits with it, authorities said Friday...."

"...[the woman] was charged Friday with smuggling a human head into the U.S. without proper documentation." [emphasis added]

My question is very simple. What is the 'proper documentation' for transporting a human head into the United States, for the purposes of warding off evil spirits?

Looking at the U.S. Customs website, I see no reference to human heads. No way am I going to call them and ask, though.

A Mill Yon Lit Ill Pee, Says

2006-01-28T07:35:00.000-06:00

It has been widely reported that some of the elements in my recently published and best-selling memoir, "A Time for Pancakes", were fabricated.

Before I address those accusations, I would first like to thanks the legions of devoted "Tony Danza Book Club" members who have made my book a success. Some have purchased four or even five copies apiece, saying they leave copies behind in public places so others will stumble upon it and discover the emotional truth contained therein.

To be frank and to the point, I must say that most of the charges leveled against this important and groundbreaking personal examination of the heart's darkest places, while containing perhaps a kernal of truth, are mostly just the minor semantic arguments of jealous pedants.

For example, I write in ATP (as its followers have come to lovingly refer to it), that at age 15 I was living as a runaway on the streets of Bombay, selling my body to German tourists for nothing more than a sip of old bongwater.

Now, several "news" outlets "investigating" the "facts" behind my autobiography have suggested that I spent the summer of my 15th year at my family's home in the Hamptons, before returning to St. Hubbins Prep school in Vermont for the Fall.

This is splitting hairs. The fact is, I was in absolute Hell that year. While I may have sublimated some of the more horrific facts in order to cope, the underlying universal truth of my despair and hopelessness remain.

While I do not have the space here to address all the rest of the emotionally false statements my detractors have made, I will deal with one more. One that strikes very close to home...

They say that my name isn't Basil Valentine, that it is a pseudonym I stole from the classical writers of alchemical texts and mystic tomes.

To those accusers, I say that my lawyers have advised me to stop writing anything more about the subject.

--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

Fashion Prisoner

2006-01-25T21:31:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Valentine is watching her third consecutive hour of "Project Runway" on Bravo.

I am trapped in the house... In the same room with the TV.

If for some reason this show kills me, please put on my headstone "He died as he lived: unsure if organza is a type of fabric or color of fabric."
--------------------------
Sent from my wireless

Accentuate the Positive

2006-01-22T18:01:00.000-06:00

The world is a dark place, full of misery, despair and evil. That said, it can also be quite a hoot.

While there are so many people and things to be upbeat about, Parade magazine chooses to continue its annual salute to negativity:

I say, why highlight the world's worst dictators? How about the world's best dictators, why not throw some accolades their way?

Being a dictator is a 24 hour a day, 365 days a year job. And the guys on Parade's list are simply not cut out for it. So there is no point in lavishing such attention on them. Its all they want anyway. Just ignore them and maybe they'll go away.

But who I really feel bad for are the hard-working, get-things-done dictators who aren't in it for the celebrity. Sure, they have the ninja death squads, dozens of hot babes lounging around their heavily fortified compound, and several covert weapon-development facilities... but its all about getting the job done.

A country isn't going to be ruled by an iron fist all by itself while their despot is out doing a cover spread with Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

You're going to catch more flies with honey then you will with vinegar, Parade magazine. Think about it.

P.S. Nice to be back.

Attitude Modifications

2005-12-18T20:25:00.000-06:00

Off the top of your head, make a list of some of the most humorless groups in the world.

I doubt any of you named people into body modification, that is people enough into it that they frequent a blog entirely dedicated to the practice.

I stumbled upon such a blog recently via a link from Fark, and saw this post that included this picture:

Clearly, somewhere the executives at EA are dancing for joy at the prospect of their corporate logo sprouting a layer of winter fur. But that's another point.

So perhaps feeling a wee bit snarky, I make a comment on the blog with the following helpful suggestions:

"Seriously, if you are into body modifications, I have a couple initial thoughts for you:
1. Slimfast
2. Laser Hair Removal"

From the reaction, you'd think I'd canceled Festivus.

Insults rained down on me. I was accused of being an "asshole," someone who was trying to "ruin it" for other people, not accepting of alternative body types, a "cock," and a hater of French Canadians.

ALL TRUE, yes, but the fact is you would think people who are into piercing, cutting, stitching, inking, burning, implanting things etc into their own flesh for public display wouldn't be so bloody sensitive.

Bad Bad Basil

2005-12-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

Its sad, really. This musty old blog sitting by itself. Some surfer randomly comes across it and wonders if the creator has been hospitalized, died, or simply is too much of a lazy ass to pound out a few words every couple days.

So much for the idea of writing a novel in a month, if I can't even knock out a stream-of-consciousness blog entry every so often. To that point, however, I did discover that someone has already written a novelized chronicle of Themistocles' life. Farewell, Great King by Jill Paton Walsh has been a very gratifying read so far.

She tells the story from the perspective of Themistocles, who as he prepares to commit suicide (how some historians have said he met his end), has his life story written down for Artaxerxes (the Persian "Great King" of the title). I too had considered Themistocles himself as being the right voice for his own story, but was outlining a novel broken into segments to be told by Themistocles to various people as he flees Argos and makes his way to Persia (and eventually to the court of Artaxerxes).

She also makes a very big deal over Themistocles' love/hate relationship with Aristides (another Athenian politician), which while very important in their personal history as well as that of Athens, does not seem as important to me as the relationship between Themistocles and Pausanias (the Spartan). Themistocles stood for Athenian freedom at call costs, while Aristides stuck to the rule of law, and Pausanias wanted security (and power for himself). In both cases, Themistocles steadfast adherence to freedom, and willingness to lie, cheat or steal to keep it, put him in some contrast with the other fellows.

Anyway, hopefully finishing the novel will help me put away that little historical obsession, and get back to the business of having totally random, off the wall thoughts.

Flu Update and Novel Writing, Live From Dorchester

2005-11-07T21:19:00.000-06:00

OK, this is cheap, but I should get back into writing.

Checked into the CDC's website. First four weeks of the flu season seem normal, right in line with the '03-'04 and '04-'05 seasons.

Just got back from a few days in Orlando for a family wedding, which followed a week and a half of single parenthood while Merseydotes helped her sister prepare for the big day.

While there, we stayed with friends, one of whom is trying her hand at writing a novel in a month. Apparently, there is some sort of global movement of people who sit down and write 2,000 words a night for 30 days in November, and wind up with a finished first draft of a novel on the back end.

This might be a good method for me to explore in order to get the idea for that stupid Themistocles novel off my back. I have a manilla folder that travels with me, with snippets of dialogue, possible outlines, and other source materials. It would be nice to actually produce something.

Maybe after I get through the next months, I may attempt this.

Feel Like Making...

2005-10-12T14:27:00.000-05:00

...toast.

My second experiment with Microsoft's 'Movie Maker' software. Click the image to watch the video.

Thanks to the U.S. Government's Consumer Products Safety Commission for the stock footage used in this. Such a weird video of a guy making toast deserved such treatment.

And finally, if you like this remix of Marvin Gaye, please go buy "Motown Remixed" since I ripped off the song.

'Tis the Season

2005-10-06T10:25:00.000-05:00

Not Autumn. Not the football season.

I'm not talking about the Christmas season either, which is however starting earlier and earlier every year.

What season you ask? Why it's flu season!

And it may not be your run-of-the-mill flu season. Scientists are tracking H5N1, known as the avian flu, which doomsayers predict could make the Spanish flu of 1918 look like a case of the sniffles. OK, maybe not. In fact researchers are so interested in the similarities between the two that they have resurrected the Spanish flu virus in order to study it.

Following a discussion with merseydotes, I started digging around online and came across a site at the CDC which monitors data from a number of sources nation- and world-wide, including reports from the U.S. Influenza Sentinel Providers Surveillance Network.

"Each week, approximately 1,000 health-care providers around the country report the total number of patients seen and the number of those patients with influenza-like illness ( ILI ) by age group. For this system, ILI is defined as fever (temperature of >100°F) plus either a cough or a sore throat."

From this, the CDC calculated the ILI% (number of patients diagnosed with ILI, as a percentage of all patients seen). This chart track the ILI% over the past six flu seasons, with each data point one week for the season starting in October and ending in May. Its kind of like a fiscal year, so take note that January of the new year is at week 14.

As the chart shows (from the data I imported into MS Excel), the flu season peaked early during the 99-00 and 03-04 seasons. Conversely, the last flu season was more of a slow build, peaking in late February.

Arbitrarily establishing 3% as a threshold for "peak season", I count that the peak seasons lasting seven week in three of the seasons, six weeks in two of the seasons, and just three weeks in one season (02-03).

So when the normal flu season kicks in, you can expect about six weeks of generally increased misery, peaking around week 3 or 4. 2003-2004 was weird in that it shot up, hovered at the peak for three weeks, than plummeted.

They also track the ILI% by region of the country. You can see a map of the regions here.

During the last flu season, the Pacific and Mid-Atlantic regions seemed to be leading indicators of the overall trend, while the West South Central region got hammered. The best places to hang out during flu season, at least according to the most recent numbers, seems to be New England or the Mountain states.

So what do we gather from this in relation to the avian flu. Not being a pathologist nor anyone who has any training in public health issues (an important caveat), my layman's reading of this is that one should watch Los Angeles and New York for initial outbreaks.

If the avian flu hits there first, take that well-deserved 6-week vacation to Utah or Maine that you've been dreaming about.

The U.S. Government has a plan, but frankly there is little to do right now. An experimental vaccine has been fast-tracked, but a stockpile won't be ready for a while. There are three approved anti-viral drugs in the government's stockpile, but they will be used to limit the spread of the virus.

Assuming a 15% of the population (almost 45 million) gets the avian flu, the CDC estimates a range of 87,000 fatalities at the low end to 207,000 at the high end. Put that in the perspective, of course, that the regular old flu kills about 36,000 each year alone. Of course, while it is usually the youngest and older of the population that suffer the highest fatalities, the experience with the Spanish flu of 1918 was that young adults were especially at risk.

So a pandemic flu would be 2.4 to 5.75 times as fatal as the regular flu, and possibly reaching into demographics that normally are not hit as hard. The good news is that human-to-human transmission does not seem to be possible right now (Overall, H5N1 has achieved 4 of the 8 mutations that Spanish flu needed in order to become a monster), and that there is an extensive tracking and warning system in place.

Thoughts on Nielsen Study of TV Viewership

2005-10-03T13:52:00.000-05:00

"From September 2004 to September 2005 -- what Nielsen defines as the braodcast year -- the average American family viewed eight hours and eleven minutes of TV programming a day, according to figures provided by the measurement firm. That’s up 2.7% from September 2003-04, when the figure came in at eight hours and one minute. A decade ago, from September 1994-95, average total viewing was seven hours and 15 minutes." (AMERICANS WATCH MORE TV THAN EVER)

Amazingly, viewership of the "CSI" franchise, including its spin-offs and syndicated re-runs, account for 7 of those nearly 8.2 hours.

Last I checked, there are still only 24 hours in the day. A balanced life might look something like this: 8 hours for school/work, 8 for leisure/family, 8 for sleep. Last year, TV finally achieved what many thought was total dominance, completely consuming our available leisure time. What this means is that leisure time is not the most biggest growth market for TV. Much of the growth has to come at the expense of work and sleep.

Furthermore, what the Nielsen numbers fail to grasp is that the average number probably would have shot up to 10 hours per day, except for the fact that many viewers now use TIVO out the commercials. On top of that, a growing number are using the technology as an ad hoc editor. For instance, my wife would use TIVO to speed through any portion of any show where Teri Hatcher appears. No commercials and no Hatcher means she could get through an episode of "Desperate Housewives" in as little as 25 minutes.

Personally, with all the porn channels up in the digital end of the cable spectrum now, my TV viewing has actually declined about twenty minutes per day, as I no longer flip back and forth between the scrambled channels hoping to catch a momentary peek. However, now that E has dumped Tara Reid's "Taradise" and will return to traditional "Wild On" episodes, that number may come back up.

Christmas Wish List

2005-09-28T13:56:00.000-05:00

Never too early to let people know these things:

The official John Tesh Radio Show hat

Super pills for my brain

Private Kabbalah lessons

A Ceebee Falafel from Tommy's

I'll take cash too...

Sentimental Shill

2005-09-26T11:12:00.000-05:00

Ah, the PR Newswire... usually a fine repository for poorly written, self-serving press releases which I openly mock. I even have several of their RSS feeds on my Google homepage, for you to get a sense of how sick I am.

A recent press release got my attention in a good way, and actually made me a little misty.

"LAKE COUNTY, Ohio, Sept. 26 /PRNewswire/ -- Lake County, Ohio's smallest county, features 15,000 acres of foliaged land, preserved for public viewing... Unlike other east coast popular destinations, where full tree colors quickly fade, Lake County has a more diverse tree stock of red maples, oaks and sugar maples providing up to three weeks of color."

While the Winters I could do without, Autumn in Northeast Ohio was something to behold. Perhaps its just the little Proust in me, but give me one little whiff of crisp autumn air and I am momentarily transported back to my childhood along the shores of Lake Erie.

The release lists some of the attractions of Northeast Ohio, including the "235-acre Lake Metroparks Farmpark in Kirtland is one of Lake Metroparks' 27 parks encompassing 7,015 acres."

We took Petunia there a little over a month ago, during a trip back to visit family. A highlight was her first pony ride. The ride on Sunshine left such an impression that she now calls her rocking horse by the same name.

She also enjoyed saying hi to the pigs and the sheep, and telling the roosters to "Be Quiet!"

As Merseydotes also discovered, there is an actual honest-to-goodness beach in Mentor. The Headlands is a unqiue ecological area that has a freshwater marsh, and a sandy swath of shoreline.

So consider lovely Lake County for you next family vacation.

Now back to our regularly scheduled cynicism, already in progress...

The Bandwagon Effect

2005-09-23T08:38:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post ran an article today about how the glossy celebrity magazine market continues to boom, even while circulation figures for daily newspaper and other weekly mags suffers.

What they failed to mention is some of the subtle ways that the declining titles are trying to fight back and grab some of the gossip-hungry dollar.

For instance, take a look at a recent issue of Business Week.

OK, a little sex appeal thrown in to the mix. Trying to broaden their horizons. Not so bad.

But a more extreme example can be found in this upcoming issue of Harper's. As a corollary side-note, Lewis Lapham was recently spotted drinking with the Olson Twins at an after-party for the Teen Choice Awards.

The inside story seems to suggest that Apple Paltrow-ColdplayGuy was also at the party, and in fact bought the beer using a fake ID.

Finally, this one just boggles my mind. First the venerable WSJ goes color, now this...

I mean c'mon, how could they get rid of "Marketplace"?! It was my favorite section.

A Robot for Petunia

2005-09-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

Still feeling a bit unclean just having that last post lingering on my blog. So I guess I better write and try to force it down the page.

My little Petunia's 2nd birthday is coming up in less than a month, and I need to focus a bit on her birthday book.

Last year, I created this little story using Microsoft clip art. I found I could "ungroup" parts of the clip art and rearrange the limbs of Larry the Penguin in order to better pose him for each page.

This year, I'm going to take that a little further. We've borrowed a couple fun books about robots from the library which she has enjoyed ("Hello Robots" and "Robots Everywhere"), so I went to MS Clipart online and searched for images I could use.

One struck me, but unfortunately when I downloaded and ungrouped him, it turned out the black outline of his body is one un-ungroupable piece. So no posing.

Luckily, he is actually a pretty simple character, so I've recreated him using simple shapes in MS Powerpoint. (Original on the left, my preliminary character on the right).

Not a bad start. I can easily add in the lights and control-panel in the main body later.

I think I may rework his feet, though, they are a little too claw-like.

Anway, I have established a main character. Now I just need a name, and some sort of rudimentary plot.

I also resorted to mostly premade backgrounds in last year's book, but would like to step up the creativity on that end as well.

Nags Head Quotes Archive

2005-09-09T09:22:00.000-05:00

I'm deleting the short-lived Nags Head Beach blog, which was primarily a repository for the annual quote list. In order that such important obscenities are available to the ages, I have compiled them and will save them in this post in my blog. All names have been changed or reduced to initials to protect someone.

“I need a rim job” - B
“I told you the tapeworm joke, right?”-JW
“You have to insert it until the butt sort of accepts it.”-merseydotes
“I think I have a sandcastle in my taint.”-B.V.
“I bet MS is hot.”-JW
“I think B has a dingleberry.”-JP
“Petunia! Do not color C.!”-merseydotes
“What's that at the bottom of P's pajama's?” “It's his diaper!”

JM: "There are some hot high school girls next door."
MS: "Great, that's my demographic."

“Gather round ye children and kiss my Eeyore.”-JW
“The novel is better than the book... I mean the novel is better than the movie.”-WZ
“Hey, you're sitting on my water weiner.”-WZ
“The new Britney Spears fragrance is called 'MouthfulOfCum.'”-BG
“Stevie Wonder's mouth looks like a pocket pussy.”-B.G.

“I have all of these single guy friends, and no one to fix them up with.”
“How about [name redacted], she's slutty.”-JM

Group game called "Pick Up Lines."
One person picks a card and reads a generic pick-up line. Rest of group writes down best response to that line. As the game progress, responses moved from slightly risque to downright nasty. The following are the most memorable responses, completely out of context from the pick-up lines that preceded them:

“I have a tongue that can wet pussy to 2-hole in 0.1 second”
“Tastes like salty fish but smells like lilacs.”
“You are open to skull fucking.”
“Crispy nacho clits.”
“Cameltoe”
“The clamshell taco”
“Have you ever heard of a little something called chlamydia?”
“Why do you say that every time I come in your face?”
“My eyes... Not that you'll see them when I have you bent over taking all nine inches of my man meat in various orifices.”
“Slippery like the exxon-valdez, frisky as a kitten, tasty as a well-aged manwich.”
“You have those ice cubes stuck up your vagina, duh!”
“Elementary school, sir.”
“Thanks for being so sweet- and the crabs, asshole!”
“Maybe. But its always hard to tell who's on the other side of the glory hole...”
“The toyota butt fucker”
“Fucking cheerleaders”
“Deep throating Sage”
“Lord of the Rings on DVD and some sweet, sweet pune [sic]!”
“Because I'm sweet and sticky, like a big and smooth weiner.”
“A unicycle- I beat off a lot!”
“The clean and jerk, but not in that order.”
“A little thing I call 'Hitler's Mustache.'”

All that's left to the blog were a few audio entries, which I'm not sure will make the transfer once I finally delete the previous blog, but here goes.

J.P. tells a lovely story:

B.G. is caught in the act:

and Prurient Interest pontificates:

Passing Resemblance

2005-08-30T14:52:00.000-05:00

Real Life Cheat Codes

2005-08-23T20:31:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Valentine and I went to the Redskins/Bengals preseason game at FedEx field last Friday. Our seats were about a dozen rows away from the endzone, closer to the home team side. We were spitting distance from the Hogettes.

Seated immediately to my left were an older man, his young grandson, and the boy's father. Throughout the game, the grandfather would point out some nuance or offer the occasional insight about the game for the benefit of the boy.

During one particular play, the grandfather commented on some player's mistake. I wasn't paying attention to their conversation to that point, so I can't say what it was. The boy responded to his grandfather, "He needs a cheat code."

The grandfather was thrown for a loop. He didn't say anything for a moment or two, then answered in old man indignation, "A cheat code?" He then paused, I'm sure pondering whether he wanted to bother asking his grandson to explain what exactly the hell a cheat code is.

For those of you who have not played a lot of computer games, cheat codes are a way to modify the attributes of the game in some way to give yourself advantages. For instance, a common cheat code gives your character all the weapons and ammo they can carry, whereas normally your character would have to collect the gear over time. Other cheats codes can give your character invulnerability, give them the ability to fly or pass through walls, or advance to another level in the game.

You enter the cheat code either through the keyboard of your computer, or by entering a unique combination of moves and buttons from your console controller.

Clearly, the boy had played enough Nintendo/Xbox/Sega football that his first thought of how to deal with a shortcoming or failure was to turn to the cheat codes. What this says about the boy, our youth, or the future of America I will leave to others.

The question that occured to me after listening to this exchange was "What would be some real life cheat codes that everyday people could use?" We all get into little fixes now and again, sometimes by our own doing or sometimes by fate. It would be nice to have some cheat codes we could use to help us get to the end of each day with a few less worries or problems.

BADBOYS- A helpful code to make you invisible to police and news helicopters should you ever end up in a car chase around L.A.

YSMAYDEKI- Short for "You're so money and you don't even know it," this code makes you more attractive to women you may meet in casinos, restaurants, bars, and parties.

UP, UP, LEFT, LEFT, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, LEFT- Enter this code, and you learn the basic steps to the foxtrot.

There should also be cheat codes to advance the clock to 5PM on any work day, a code to eliminate ATM fees, and a code to give me X-Ray vision... which I would use only for the forces of good, I swear.

Too Lazy To Make Millions

2005-08-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

A new article in Advertising Age discusses how Kroger grocery stores are going to start their own in-store TV network.

The programming will be tailored to the store, the time of day, even the weather, so that customers will be directed to buy more groceries.

This got me thinking that what grocery stores really need to do is equip each shopping cart with a bluetooth-enabled monitor. As they turn down each aisle, the screen and accompanying voice can run down the specials and other items of interest.

Furthermore, if the stores put RFID tags on all the items, they can track what each person is shopping for and suggest alternative (a higher profit-margin, or co-advertised brand) or complementary items (reminding someone who just put chicken breasts in their cart to buy some marinade or barbeque sauce).

The RFID stuff is probably too expensive right now for most items in a grocery, but a limited roll-out on bigger ticket items might be useful. Wal-Mart is already using RFID for inventory control, and to reduce shrink (theft). Or the groceries can do a little data-mining on their club card members to see what nexus items there are to higher profit items (like if someone puts steak sauce in their cart, it might be a leading indicator that they are going to purchase steaks when they hit the meats).

OK, the idea is out there. Someone else can make money with it, just give me a little taste of the action.

Oh, and here's a bonus money-making idea I had some time ago, which may be a little past its prime with the spread of satellite radio: rental car agencies team up with a music label to put sampler CDs in rental cars. When travelling, I always spend the first couple minutes in the car trying to find a good local station. My definition of 'good' varies. Sometimes I just want rock music, other times classical... if I'm with my boss, I find the local Rap or Top 40 station and play "How long will it take until he politely asks to change the channel." When in New Orleans, I also find some Cajun/Zydeco to get me in the mood.

But, if say Hertz teamed up with Sony music, they could arrange to have Sony provide several sampler CDs in each car. Each disc would be a sample of the latest offerings in a particular genre. So I could get in, and pop in the rock sampler. The disc would have the information as to artist and album, so I could follow up and buy any of the artists featured. The music companies would pay the rental car companies for exclusive rights to their fleet, and provide the CDs (updated quarterly or something). And, the car renter could even take a CD with him or her at the conclusion of the rental. The CD would either be free or the renter could have a nominal fee tacked surripticiously onto their car rental bill (so they could slip it into their expense report).

Grab Your Buckets, We're Heading To South Carolina

2005-08-16T09:21:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Merseydotes Valentine (who narrowly beat me at Scrabble last night... I want a rematch!) was in Seattle last week, and commented on how expensive gas prices were. However, she said her observation may have been clouded by the fact that the stations she saw were all by the airport (which tend to jack up the price a bit to catch car renters who don't want to really be screwed and pay twice as much when returning the car less than full).

[Note for further research: Investigate formula for determining if and when it is wise to select the fuel option from the rental car agency.]

This comment, plus a link from Fark eventually sent me to this doubly cool website from the AAA, tracking gasoline prices state-by-state. It provides current and trendline information on how each state's prices have tracked against the national average.

I say it's coolness is doubled by the methodological description. Rather than pull a random sample of gas stations and record their prices, they actually track all credit card transactions at the pumps!

Anyway, I grabbed the latest prices, and generated this map. The west coast is suffering the highest prices, with California, Nevada and Hawaii in the $2.65-$2,75 range. I was also surprised to see that Alaska was not lower. Washington DC, which is tracked but you can't really see on the map, is at $2.56.

Although it is not reported, I'm sure the data they collect can be boiled down to the county-level or even to zip codes. Now that would not only be interesting, but would be a useful tool.

Someone could marry the data with Google Maps, and anyone could check the site to see which nearby neighborhoods are sporting the cheapest gas, or plan out stops on a longer road trip for refilling.

Who Would Be His Running Mate?

2005-08-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

Ben Franklin's Day Off

2005-08-12T08:18:00.000-05:00

Driving into work in Old Town this morning, I saw two flood lights at the end of the cobblestone portion of Prince Street.

I had heard about a couple movie productions being in town recently, including one directed by Clint Eastwood and another with Michael Douglas. A coworker had mentioned seeing a Ben Franklin while driving in, and this only added fuel to the speculation, since Eastwood is directing the John Adams movie.

So a few of us strolled down from the office to take a look.

However, when we arrived at the scene, I surmised that this was only an ad being shot. One reason was because Franklin was the only one being filmed, no extras. The second and more obvious reason was that Franklin was talking directly to camera.

If it was a movie, perhaps John Hughes was reworking his masterpiece, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but this time setting it back in the Colonial period.

"Are you aware that Ben does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record at the Continential Congress?... He's been absent nine times."

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're such a wonderful crowd we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites, and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today. Thomas Jefferson... this one's for you."

"He jeopardizes my ability to effectively govern this colony."
"He makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed."

When will Dippin' Dots become the "Ice Cream of the Now"?

2005-08-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

Interesting piece in the NY Times today about food science, and the Clark W. Griswolds of the world who are hunched over bunsen burners and pipettes to develop otherwise bad-for-you foods that mimic the properties of good-for-you foods.

From the sound of the some of the company names, I'm sure the development of Soylent Green is only months away:

Proteus Industries- The name comes from Greek myth, the son of Poseidon. Also where we get the word "protean," which is kind of amusing given its poximity to "protein." Proteus, for the comics geeks out there, was also an enemy of the X-Men.

Imperial Chemical Industries (who owns National Starch and Chemical and its division National Starch Food Innovation)- I'm pretty sure this is the company Ernst Stavro Blofeld runs when he is not managing SPECTRE.

Martek Biosciences- these guys use algae to create DHA and ARA, the fatty acids babies' brains need to grow, and common supplements in infant formula. Now only if they could develop a chemical for formula that makes baby poo smell like flowers...

My favorite paragraph in the article:

"Kerry Ingredients is using guar, which has a neutral flavor, as a fiber source, "but it's the consistency of mucus," said Jack Maegli, a food scientist who heads research and development for new products at Kerry Ingredients. "If you eat too much of it, it invokes the gag reflex. I know it sounds unpleasant, and it is unpleasant. That's why we encapsulate it."

A mucusy, gag-inducing, unpleasant substance. Yes, let's condense that experience down to its essence for the consumer. Oh wait, I think he has the other meaning of "encapsulate" in mind.

Quick Question- First Response

2005-08-11T08:43:00.000-05:00

Jonah Bloom, Executive Editor of Advertising Age magazine, is the first to respond:

"Not sure about brand excitement, although I'd measure it in positive tv news/press/website/blog mentions multiplied by the readership of said vehicles.

But I have to take issue with your suggestion that brand awareness and image are "well defined?" Are you kidding me?

They might have more history than brand excitement, and there may be some cod measures out there designed to quantify them, but they are reinterpreted every time they are used and when they are quantified it is normally by people who are essentially hoodwinking someone else into believing that they've changed something.

Even if "brand awareness" has been improved and that is a proven fact, what does that then mean anyway? Does it always translate to improved sales? Not always. Does it definitely shift stock price? Not always. Does it better position the brand for growth? Not always. Does it mean the right people now know about the brand's values/selling propositions? Not always.

I guess what i am saying is that brand excitement need not be any more fluffy than brand awareness. Both sound pretty fluffy from where i'm sitting, and my guess is that in the hands of smart/thorough executives they could be useful concepts, while they might be as good as useless in the hands of a marketer who thinks their job starts and ends with an output.

That's my tuppenceworth...

JB"

A Quick Question

2005-08-10T15:30:00.000-05:00

From: Basil Valentine
To: Al@ries.com, jbloom@crain.com, maria.feicht@dunkinbrands.com, elvis@martinkihn.com, jon_fine@businessweek.com
Date: Aug 10, 2005 4:30 PM
Subject: A Quick Question

A phrase that I keep running across is "brand excitement," and it is beginning to bother me. What does it mean? How is it measured? Who exactly are the ones getting excited (executives, shareholders, consumers)?

And the phrase is often linked with some form of the verb "generate." Is brand excitement produced like electricity, requiring some kind of turbine or dynamo? What fuel is required? And as a corollary, does the generation of brand excitement produce greenhouse gases? If so, why is no one pointing to all this brand excitement as a contributing factor in global warming?

Environmental concerns aside, I am serious about trying to comprehend this phrase, and its relationship to more well-defined terms like brand awareness and image. I send this small group a note in the hopes of benefiting from your collective wisdom.

I am especially interested in Maria Feicht's opinion (due to the fact the phrase is in her title). I had to guess at your address, Maria, I hope this reaches you.

Please drop me an email with your ideas on the matter, at your convenience. Thanks in advance.

Yours,
B.V.

---

"Basilius somewhat indulgeth his own Genius..."-Theodore Kirkringus

ihat.blogspot.com

The Consultant Wants "More Cowbell"

2005-08-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

Its coolness is a little past prime now, but the Christopher Walken/Wil Ferrell instant classic skit reminds me of many political campaigns.

The rock star consultant ("Yes, THE Bruce Dickinson."), watches the action from behind the glass, and comes out every so often to interact with the campaign staff. He tells the guys he thinks they have a "dynamite sound," but all they need is a little more "cowbell."

Now that can mean a lot of things in a political campaign, and while one might be inclined to say that "more cowbell" is simply more money, I don't think that is the case. Everyone can agree that a campaign could always use more money. Bruce Dickenson's insight to Blue Oyster Cult, however, was something they didn't initially fathom, were reluctant to accept, and eventually embraced without full comprehension, thus achieving greatness.

More cowbell is contrast. It is going negative. It is defining one's opponent and drawing a clear and umistakable distinction between that opponent and your candidate.

Now many a candidate begins the process privately declaring that he (I'll keep it masculine for simplicity) is going to run a campaign about issues, and their close associates and friends (the initial "advisors") believe that if voters just got to know the candidate like they know him, he'd win in a landslide.

And that is fine, if you don't mind ending the campaign: with everyone (including the press) still liking you, having had the chance to meet some really nice people, getting to talk about some serious issues, and LOSING.

Surprising Behavior

2005-08-08T20:27:00.000-05:00

Although it doesn't rank up at the top of the greatest botched PR moves of all time, Google certainly pulled a doozy recently by instituting a policy not to comment or cooperate on any CNET news story until July of 2006.

Their reason? A recent article that examined privacy concerns during Google's rapid process of "organizing the world's information." Specifically, the journalist took a few minutes and used Google's own search engine to dig up some very public facts about Chairman and CEO Eric Schmidt including financial, real estate, political, and even pastimes.

It is kind of shocking to think that Google would A) be upset that this information is out there, and B) respond in such a way to the article. A more savvy PR operation would have taken the article as an opportunity to discuss its work to protect privacy and intellectual property. Rather, the episode brought even more negative attention to the company's Achilles' Heel, and demonstrated that the only way they know how to deal with it currently is throw the corporate version of a hissy fit.

Our Ratings Are Low As Hell, And We're Not Going To Take It Anymore!

2005-08-06T13:49:00.000-05:00

As you may have read, NBC is so desperate for competitive shows in its primetime lineup, especially comedies, that it is eschewing the usual process and is publicly begging for people to submit spec scripts.

I, of course, have one in the works, and as a bonus, the show is already cast. The whole thing is a little hush-hush, but I'll let my close friends in on it.

working title- "Super Friends"

Bill Cosby, Jerry Seinfeld, and Ray Romano are three bachelors living together in a spacious New York apartment. Across the hall from them live Candice Bergen and Roseanne's characters, who share a space with a neurotic clutsy ghost played by Lucille Ball.

I know you think you spot a flaw in the plan already, right? What executive in his right mind is going to let Roseanne back on network TV? Here's the beuaty part. Using CGI renditions of the actors, with voice and image lifted from each of their previous long-running shows, the sitcom will be produced entirely in a computer. No live actors, therefore no live egos. And Lucy is already in black and white, so a little flicker effect, and she'll look absolutely spectral.

Certainly syndication rights and the necessary computer/manpower to produce new episodes won't be more expensive than the standard show. Furthermore, there will never be a cast member who threatens to leave if they aren't given more screen time or a raise.

OK, back to work on the script. Remember, let's keep this quiet.

Waiting for the Story

2005-08-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

I have written of my friend Gregg the photographer before. His primary day job is freelance cinematography, and a couple years ago he was hired as an AC for an Indian film that was shooting in Detroit (called "Premayanamaha").

During production, there was a small role that called for an American Buddhist monk to greet the main characters then leave. It was decided that Gregg would be perfect for this role. Below, he is shown in costume next to the director.

Gregg always ends each gig with an extended email to close friends, detailing his adventures. We always look forward to his anecdotes, especially run-ins with 'celebrities' (Dan Haggerty, Kato Kaelin, and Lance Howard among others... OK, I didn't say 'A-List celebrities.')

Recently, he was hired to DP a film tentatively titled Offshore, set in Mumbai (formerly Bombay), and Detroit. The plot involves the an American company who decides to outsource to India.

He left for India on the 23rd. On the 26th, the country was hit with the heaviest monsoon rains in recorded history. More than a thousand people died, mostly outside the city where there were mudslides and the housing is sub-standard.

Worried about him, and no informationI emailed the U.S. Consulate in Mumbai to ask about reports of any American casualties, and asked friendly journalists if they had any reports on the wires. There were no reports about Americans in the flood.

Sending an email to Gregg's account, we received this email from him on the 29th:

"Yeah I'm here... a bit soggy, but given the circumstances...

The night of the rains our car was overtaken by flood waters. We had to abandon it when the water level covered our seats and it stalled. it took us 7 hours to return from a trip that took 15 minutes. We ended up walking back to the hotel. I feel very fortunate in that many didn't return for a day and a half and some didn't return at all. The news says that it's the worst 24 hour rainfall in the country's history. Things are limping back to normal. Most shops are open and I was able to get a cup of tea at a coffee shop yesterday. They had no milk for lattes. We are still going ahead with our shoot, though we may delay starting by 1 day. Our sound guy is stuck in Londonwith our lenses.

all is fine here, and my boots should be dry in a few days...

gregg"

It is classic Gregg to sum up the country's problems by saying "they had no milk for lattes." So now we know he is OK, but I am anxious to get the full story upon his return.

The Color of Money

2005-07-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Valentine has embarked on a new project: painting rooms in our house. Taking time away from debating baby names and trying to hook up single friends, she steered our family towards the Home Depot last night to begin the process of sorting through paint chips.

As anyone who has ever walked by the paint section in one of the big hardware stores knows, there are literally hundreds of paint colors from which to choose. Some are almost imperceptibly different, in that I have to squint or hold the chips at funny angles until I can safely proclaim "Yes I agree, my Dear, this one has a little too much purple in it."

What gets me about the multitude of colors are the names, few of which actually provide the shopper with a convenient color touchstone to compare. "Peas in a Pod," "Florida Mango," are just a couple examples of ones that help lead you in a direction. (I took these from the applet at the Behr website.)

Then there is "Autumn Mist." Want to guess what color that is? According to Behr, it is a slightly more muted shade of "Florida Mango." Or what about "Monaco"? Its a light blue.

I guess the paint manufacturers decided that rather than informative names, they should create evocative names that register with the emotions. For instance, the master bedroom in our previous house was covered in "Hidden Honey," which I think I would have more appropriately called "Dried Mustard Crust." But that doesn't create the same emotive response, does it?

I also think this bizarre naming scheme has a lot more to do with the women in households being the primary decision-maker when it comes to color.

That is why I am going to get rich by patenting a dual-naming paint color system. Every color is assigned two names, the original female/affective/uninformative can remain on the front, while a second name is printed in small letters on the back of the chip. This is the place the rest of us can sneak a peek at and say "Ah ha... I knew I recognized this particular hue!"

For instance:

"Pecan Sandy" on the front reads "Bud Light Binge Shits" on the back.

"Vibrant Wildflower" on the front reads "Too Many Vitamins Pee" on the back.

"Vintage Lava" on the front reads "That Time of the Month" on the back.

"Fresh Heather" on the front reads "This is Going in My Son's Room Over My Dead Body" on the back.

Anyway, you get the picture. Or for a less offensive version, how about make reference to real world examples on the back of the chip. "This is the same color blue as the Cleveland Indians' uniforms" or "This is the color green used for computer code in The Matrix."

Breast Intentions- letter to the editor

2005-07-25T12:23:00.000-05:00

to: catkinson, sdonaton at Advertising Age
re: "AD WEEK BREAST AD SPARKS INDUSTRY CONTROVERSY"

Let me get this straight.

One ad, printed only once in an industry rag (no offense), shows a little cleavage and insiders declare it may well "tarnish the industry's reputation"?

If anything, that ad is simply bolstering the industry's reputation.

The casual media-consumer in America must think there are entire chapters in marketing and advertising textbooks devoted to breasts.

Just run another ad showing a man stuffing a sock down his trousers*,with the same tag line ("Advertising we all do it."), and be done with this farce.

Then you can all get back to figuring out how to deal with the demise of broadcast television.

OK?

[* Note: I know it was a cucumber wrapped in foil.]

Antique Music Reviews

2005-07-19T21:01:00.000-05:00

No Jacket Required - by Phil Collins

Hard to believe its been twenty years since this gem was released. It has been sitting in my collection in various formats since, well, since its release in 1985. It was, as far as I can recall, the first full album I ever purchased.

The album was the third in line of Collins' solo work that featured his sweaty visage on the cover. At least he gave the albums different titles. In order to navigate Peter Gabriel's first three (or four, depending on which side of the pond you hail from) eponymous albums, you have to know them by number, or refer to them by the cover art (melting face, rainy windshield, etc).

No Jacket Required (NJR hereafter) is the unofficial soundtrack to the penultimate expression of 80's television, Michael Mann's pastel noir Miami Vice. The melancholic Crockett and intense Tubbs driving in the nighttime, with Long Long Way to Go playing for a good minute or two. No dialogue, no plot advancement, just two impossibly cool dudes cruising somewhere. Cut to commercial.

Collins' music was nearly as much on the show as Jan Hammer's, and it is a damn shame he only got one cut on the official soundtrack while Glenn Frey managed two. Grandmaster Melle Mel's contribution doesn't hold up as much with time, although "I Feel For You" with Chaka Khan still has legs, I would bet.

Collins actually had a couple acting gigs on the show. One was minor, if I recall, but he was a bad guy in another episode. His official site says he played a character by the name "Phil the Shill," which seems right as I think the character was a con artist who actually ended up avoiding capture.

[Note for further investigation: What was the track record of the cops on Miami Vice? I mean, I think half the bad guys got away, and when they did catch someone bad, it almost always meant that one of the main characters' loved ones or colleagues would be seriously wounded or killed.]

But back to the topic at hand, and more importantly, the fact is that NJR is one of the clearest single musical expressions of the decade. It featured a healthy amount of synth and drum loops, mixed together with the Phenix horns, (formerly Earth Wind and Fire Horns), Darryl Stuermer's guitar playing, and old hippie-looking Lee Sklar's bass. Then, of course, is Collins' drumming, the fame of which rests equally on his ability and on the unique sound created when he, Peter Gabriel, producer Hugh Padham messed around in the studio to electronically alter the sound produced by the drums.

The album produced four clear hits: Sussudio, One More Night, Take Me Home, and Don't Lose My Number. It shifted from uptempo, to ballad, to anthem, and ends on a more orchestral note (at least on the CD, where We Said Hello Goodbye was initially listed as a CD bonus track because they couldn't fit it on the cassette). Very little filler on this album, even the b-sides and other tracks were solid.

MTV was young, and still showing videos, and each of these was in serious rotation there too. Take Me Home featured a globetrotting Collins lip-syncing in front of various worldly landmarks, like the Sydney Opera House, while Don't Lose My Number was a hodge-podge send-up of various scenes from famous films and music videos.

I listened to it again tonight, mostly in my car with the volume cranked way up. Definitely a few Proustian moments, but I was able to get beyond that and really enjoy the music. I'll have to break out Face Value, and Hello I Must Be Going, and explore the old Genesis archive that I haven't touched in a while.

Immortalized by Google

2005-07-14T13:47:00.000-05:00

At long last I can report success, the Easter Peeps Challenge video is now available at the Google video search site.

Peanut, Walnut, Macadamia Nut...

2005-07-14T09:35:00.000-05:00

The good folks who make Marshmallow Peeps (entertaining us all each Easter), also make something called Peanut Chews (which have been around since 1917 apparently).

They have cut two television ads for the candy, in the tradition of identifying their brand with spastic morons and people who needlessly risk their own lives for a thrill. They can be viewed at the Peanut Chews website. The first is described below from the Peanut Chews press release:

"One spot focuses on a freestyle Motocross rider watching other jumpers fly off the ramp and perform aerial stunts. Our biker savors his Peanut Chews(R), which seem to inspire him, as he then out jumps his friends by pulling off a backflip on a Bajah(R) scooter. Also in the commercial is the national debut of the new off-road Segue(R), a two-wheeled, self-balancing, electric transportation vehicle. All of these unique feats correspond with the unique attitude that is distinctly Peanut Chews(R)."

Tell me more, marketing gurus...

"Mark Plamondon of Tandem Associates, Peanut Chews(R) marketing firm which created the TV commercials, commented, "'Chews. Something Different(TM)' is the call to action around which these spots and the brand's entire marketing campaign will revolve. The Peanut Chews(R) brand is positioned to target young adults who envision themselves as somewhat non-conformists, and appreciate that this product is different from mainstream candy brands.""

Chocolate with peanuts? What a stunning development in the confectionary world! How have they kept that quiet for nearly a century? Certainly, the kids, with their "grunge" music, break-dancing, and hacky-sacks will be beating down the doors of their local convenience stores for this treat!

"John Kerr, Brand Director of Peanut Chews(R) commented, "The Peanut Chews(R) spots are an intriguing first glimpse into what is a new candy brand for most of the nation. They illustrate an outrageous individuality. The ads, while humorous, also convey the unique attributes of the brand including the appealing bite-size pieces going into the vibrant new packaging. While Peanut Chews(R) shipped nationally in April with impressive initial figures, the TV spots airing on the heels of the website launch, have driven excitement around the brand to a new level.""

Yes, there is a palpable frenzy out there. These ads haven driven America's youth into a sort of Bacchanalian worship of Peanut Chews. I think we should call on Congress to act and put a stop to the "somewhat non-conformist" "outrageous individuality" that these ads and their candy are spreading, before it is too late.

[Follow-up Research Note: Perform content analysis of brand (re)launch press releases. Do all of them use the word "excitement," and "unique"? What other boilerplate language is there?]

For the Birds

2005-07-13T08:46:00.000-05:00

Risking this blog becoming a bookmarked favorite of ornithologists worldwide, I have another short bird tale.

I was out on the back patio two nights ago, doing a little light gardening: trimming the ivy, hacking back the damned bamboo grove, etc. When I turned my attention to lopping off big hunks of the mint that runs wild...

[Side questions for further investigation: Why did the previous owners of this home insist on growing only those types of plants that spread voraciously? Was this a case of the lady who swallowed the fly, planting a new weed to fend off the old? If so, why is there no kudzu?)

...I noticed a bird sitting rather docile among the plants. Mrs. Valentine gave it a few tentative nudges with a small garden spade to get it to leave, but it didn't move. It was alive, breathing regularly, but clearly something was wrong. I set a capful of water in front of it (the Doolittle in me coming out again), but it wasn't interested.

Deciding to let nature take its course, we retired for the evening. Yesterday, sure enough, we returned home to find the bird dead in the spot we had left it.

Having had some experience disposing of birds who have ceased-to-be ("This parrot is no more!"), I picked it up with a double grocery bag and turned the bags inside out, like a dog-owner would his pet's business from the sidewalk. I then sealed the whole bundle in a ziplock bag, and unceremoniously tossed the remains to the trash can.

Did we unknowingly purchase a house on some sort of haunted aviarian burial ground? Is this summer going to be some sort of mash between "The Birds" and "Poltergeist"?

Yellow Crayon

2005-07-12T19:06:00.000-05:00

It was my original intent to include more random photos in this blog. That sort of fell by the wayside.

I was using Picasa's "Hello" to upload photos, but now blogger has a photo upload function.

Let's see if the full resolution image is available if I click on the larger-than-thumbnail image.

That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells

2005-06-21T13:49:00.000-05:00

One of my wife's favorite hobbies (besides playing the "Name Game" for all of our potential future offspring) is thinking about how she would set up her single friends. There are times she schemes about single friends getting married the way other people pass the time by selling Amway or recruiting new cult members.

The relaunch of Great Boyfriends (now owned by the wedding planning website The Knot) fills the void left by Ebay ever since they disallowed the buying and selling of humans on its pages.

"Who doesn’t know a great guy (or girl) who is shockingly, still single? Maybe it’s your best friend, your not-for-me ex, your adorable brother -- you get it. Post them here and “set them up” with an equally cool, preapproved date; i.e., no one makes it onto our A list unless a true friend like you signs ’em up. Because friends don’t let friends stay single. " (italics added)

A Little Birdy Told Me

2005-06-20T12:08:00.000-05:00

One day last week, I arrived home a little early to get some packing done for the family's Father's Day camping trip to Westmoreland County. I was unable to get a jump on things, however, because on the cement landing of the stairs leading up to our front door was a dazed baby bird. Looking up into the tree limbs hanging over the stairs, I could see the nest about 25 feet up, leaning heavily. Apparently the wind, or simply bad design by the parents had caused the nest to tilt and drop the little fellow out.

After some discussion and consultation with a local animal rescue hotline, I built a make-shift nest from a plastic flower pot, and hung it from the tree using speaker wire and a clothes hanger. However, the little guy was apparently too young to chirp (an essential factor in the parents being able to find it), and it expired a day or so later.

In the meantime, a second bird fell to the landing from the same nest. The demise of this guy was immediate. As they say: it's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop. I placed him in a few grocery bags, left the bags open just in case my diagnosis was wrong and he was still alove, then later (upon confirmation of death) placed him in the garbage along side his sibling.

Two side notes here. One, I did not check the sex of these birds, I'm just using the masculine for simplicity. Two, I was using gardening gloves to handle the birds, both living and dead. Although the lady from the wildlife rescue told us that the story about parent birds refusing to feed babies after they have been touched by humans is an old-wives-tale, I figured transmission of cooties is a two-way street.

Shortly after I disposed of the two birds' remains, the third and final bird fell from the nest and onto the landing. He seemed to be in good shape, so I moved him onto the grass and prepared a new nest. Since I did not have another plastic flower pot (the first one is the final resting place of the first bird), I cut the end off a small cardboard box that had held an electric landscaping trimmer. I poked a few holes so it could drain any water in case of rain, and dropped a few leaves in. While cardboard is not a permanent building material, it was the best I had.

This time I did not try to hang the makeshift nest, but rather wedged it between two larger branches. I used electrical tape to secure it to the tree (again making do with what I had). As soon as I picked up the little bird so I could climb up and place him in the nest, he started chirping. This sent a nearby parent (who had been closely monitoring things), into a bit of a frenzy.

The chirping worked, apparently, because when I checked back on Sunday, the bird was alive and there were droppings around the box, suggesting parents had made several visits.

Fearing that a rainstorm would destroy the cardboard nest and endanger the bird, I decided to find a more permanent nesting solution. I didn't know how long the bird would have to stay there, and one good soaking would have caused that box to turn to mush.

So Mrs. Valentine bought a small wicker basket at the store Sunday afternoon, which I then wove speaker wire through to use as anchors to the tree. I figured I would put the basket in place first, the transfer the bird over once it was secure.

But as soon as I climbed into the tree, the little bird got agitated, flapped its wings, and launched itself out of the nest, 'flew' right in front of me, then fluttered to the ground.

It also dropped some baby bird poo on the shorts I was wearing on its way out.

The parents were now VERY upset, lots of angry chirps and close fly-bys. I settled on placing the wicker nest in a lower point in the tree, quickly secured it, then put the baby back in. Spying from my front door, I could see the parents visiting by the wicker nest, but not going directly to it. An hour later, I went out to check, and the baby bird was gone. I don't know what happened during that hour I was away.

Optimistic outcome: the baby was grown enough to fly in short bursts, and the parents coaxed it out of the wicker nest and to a new location.

Pessimistic outcome: the neighborhood cat came by and had lunch.

Either way, I feel like I did my best to save the little guys. I'm sure my still relatively new neighbors think I am a nutcase, though.

Burnt Umber

2005-06-17T13:50:00.000-05:00

While waiting for a pool pass at our local homowners' association building a short time ago, I came across a free coloring book distributed by DASH (the local bus system). My daughter likes to color, and is beginning to get the hang of aiming the crayon at specific things on the page (although she is no where near keeping in the lines), so I picked up a copy.

It has drawings of buses to be colored, and plenty of happy looking people who must be really pleased and excited about using public transportation. Best of all, it was free. That last point lead me to do a quick google search on pdf coloring books ("coloring book filetype:pdf"). A few of the interesting offerings include:

The Red Cross has a Disaster Preparedness coloring book as well as one featuring classic Red Cross posters. Nothing kids like more than bringing life to the image of a flood destroying someone's home. The classic posters book also give your little one the chance to color a circa-1978 Bill Cosby ad for the Red Cross.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has a Farmers Market Coloring Book, that has some good pictrues of fruits and vegetables, but includes one odd page that says "Agriculture provides a lifeline to our cities." The picture is a bunch of chickens and cows surrounding a cityscape, and if it is to scale, some of the chickens are gigantic (with large talons).

Paging Dr. Nick! The Neuroscience for Kids Coloring Book is also available. My favorite pages are the skull, the multipolar neuron, and the last page featuring two "neuroscientists."

Here's a good tip: "Never get too close to a bear." Page eight drives that home, with a ferocious looking mama bear breathing down the neck of an unsuspecting nature photographer.

The Air Quality Commission of Polk County Iowa hired a local high school student who had perfected the Japanese Anime style for this book on improving the air.

The anti-air pollution people have another book that is more up my alley. Lots of aliens and weird creatures who live on Planet Polluto. Or you can fight alongside Captain Crud, to help clean up the Forth Worth area.

This appears to be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to online coloring books. I may never need to purchase one for my daughter again.

Trump University

2005-06-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

You are now reading the blog of an officially registered student at Trump University.

Well, I'm not actually paying for any of his online courses, but I did register for free so I could take the "Trump Success Profile" Quiz. Thirty-six questions in length, it is a Myers-Briggs type inventory where I choose between sets of two descriptions for the one that better describes me.

For instance:

"I sometimes don’t have enough energy to deal with everything facing me."
or
"I always have enough energy to deal with everything facing me."

On a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being all the way with the first choice, and 5 all the way with the second), I choose a 1. 1 didn't seem all that extreme of an option, "sometimes" compared to "always." Perhaps if the first choice had been "I never have enough energy to deal with everything facing me", I would have fallen somewhere betwixt the two.

Anyway, I took the rest of the quiz, answering questions as if I were the laziest, least competitive, least success-driven person I could be... that is, I was being myself.

"This psychological profile is based on the Trump Success Index questionnaire you completed. The profile displays your score... in nine key personality dimensions identified by Donald Trump as being crucial for success in the business world... The samples use a standardized 10-point scale like the one below, with Donald Trump’s score in each of these dimensions being 10."

"Business Optimism - upbeat, positive mindset; conviction that one will be successful. 1"

"Self-Promotion - inclined to promote one’s self and product or service to facilitate business development and success. 1"

"Self-Confidence - persistent belief in one’s self worth and performance capabilities. 1"

"Work Drive - disposed to working long hours and exerting high effort to complete projects, meet deadlines, increase productivity, and be successful. 1"

"Wealth Motivation - energized to be affluent and make a lot of money. 1"

"Work Passion - motivated to engage in work that is interesting, challenging, and personally fulfilling. 6"

"Demand for Excellence - insistence on producing top-quality products or service. 1"

"Tenacity - disposition to keep working on goals and projects until completed, and persevere despite setbacks, obstacles, & difficulties. 1"

"Resilience - general level of mental stamina, fortitude, and ability to handle stress and pressure. 1"

"OVERALL TRUMP POTENTIAL FOR BUSINESS SUCCESS"

...drumroll please...

"1"

"Now you know how you stack up against Donald Trump’s definition of success. It’s not everyday that you can be assessed by a self-made billionaire!"

I'll have to go back and figure out how I managed a six on work passion. I mean, come one, I was blowing off work taking the test in the first place!

So if this is the scale by which the University measures success, then graduation day must when you have become a consumed-by-money, self-promoting blowhard who won't take no for an answer.

I can't wait for my subscription to the weekly e-newsletter starts arriving.

2005-06-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

A jury of his peers... no really.

But Will He Dye His Hair Orange Again?

2005-06-08T12:01:00.000-05:00

Costas taking CNN role
News network announces television host to be substitute anchor of "Larry King Live."

To prepare for the job, Costas announced he is going to have his head enlarged to nearly twice its current size, while letting the rest of his body wither away.

Actually, this may be the only thing that makes me consider watching Larry King Live. I remember the first incarnation of "Later" on NBC was hosted by Costas. Before Greg Kinnear or the 'massive tool' who hosts today, Costas' format was a single guest for half an hour with no audience. Kind of Charlie Rose, but sitting in a comfortable looking living room rather than at a card table in limbo. It didn't last long before Costas left, Kinnear came on and changed the format back to basically every other late-night show, but I remember it being good and very watchable.

That's takes me to another tangent on the concept of "watchability." Whether a show is watchable has little correlation, I would think, to whether it is good or bad. There are plenty of bad shows and movies that I stick through because there is some minor compelling detail or it does nothing to embarrass or upset me enough to turn the channel.

Note for future research: Study the factors, independent of quality, that make something watchable or not.

Oh Carolina

2005-06-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

Although the summer vacation week is still a month away, I am already mentally at the beach. Took my little Petunia to the community pool last night after dinner. She splashed around marveling at the other kids, wanted to be dunked (only up to her chin), and loved jumping from a sitting position poolside into the water. All of this got me very excited about the trip to the Outer Banks. We'll have a pool at the house, and be a short walk from the beach.

Last year, Petunia was not even mobile, so she could only sit on the blanket in the shade and reach for a nearby fistful of sand to stuff in her mouth. This year, we are going to build a sand castle.

We'll watch fireworks on July 4th from the house I imagine, rather than the beach, given that there will be a handful of sleeping (or not) toddlers in the house. Last night's thunderstorms did not wake Petunia up, so I'm hoping that means she'll be able to snore through the Independence Day displays.

I went to outerbanks.org to see what other events or activities we could plan.

Other events/activities I found on the "maybe" list:

"July 5-8 Summer Children’s Performance Series 10:30am Lynn Trefzger, ventriloquist, brings together amazing figure manipulation and exceptional vocal skills to create a comedy act which delights young and old. She writes her own original and endlessly inventive routines and thrives on interaction with the audience. Lynn has been entertaining audiences since 1977 with her humor packed show and quick wit, which allows her to personalize every performance. Dummies, puppets, inanimate objects and unsuspecting bystanders become part of the wild world that she and her comical partners create. She has received many award nominations and has appeared on ABC, TNN, A&E and Lifetime television. Activities, at The Museum Store, will be offered afterwards. Call (252) 475-1500 for additional information. Tickets are $5 and can be purchased at the door. Free to Friends of Elizabeth II and general admission ticket holders. Programming is made possible by the Outer Banks Community Foundation. 252-475-1500 or http://www.roanokeisland.com/"

"Kitty Hawk Kites 4th of July High FlyWhalehead Club, Corolla. Come fly with us at the Whalehead 4th of July celebration. Don’t miss the toy demos and Rock Climbing Wall! 877-FLY-THIS or 441-4124. http://www.kittyhawkkites.com/ "

"Windmill Point Restaurant – Live Piano Music Wednesday – Saturday during the summer season. 7pm – 10pm. Music ranges from 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, classical and requests. Upstairs in our S.S. United States lounge overlooking the historic Roanoke Island."

"July 6 Bingo At the Cape Hatteras Anglers Club, 47231 Light Plant Road, Buxton. For more information, please call 252-995-4253 or email anglers@mindspring.com"

Just kidding on that last one.

A Horror Story

2005-05-30T20:46:00.000-05:00

Let's say you are an employee for an association in Washington DC. You have worked there for about a year and a half.

The association has a leadership change, and the new team brings in "consultants" like in Office Space. You are recently married, but have postponed your honeymoon for a short while. You and the rest of the approximately 60-person staff are put through the wringer of interviews in which you are forced to justify your existence.

Finally, you take a week off for your honeymoon. You return over the weekend to messages from co-workers that massive firings/lay-offs occurred while you were gone, in which about a third of the staff were let go.

You go online from home to check your work email. Your password does not work.

You are suspicious. You use a public address to send your work account a note. You shortly receive a message saying that the person you just sent the email to no longer works at the association.

You have just been fired by auto-reply.

I am not this person. I have never met this person. I know several people who formerly worked with this person.

Regardless of any possible justification for the firing (of which I know no details), that is unbelievably unprofessional, callous, and downright cold.

Crime TV

2005-05-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

On TV nowadays, crimes are less frequently solved using old-fashioned detective work, and rely more on the fields of forensics, entomology, OCD germaphobic brilliance, extra-sensory perception, and high-powered mathematics.

What other abilities and disciplines, with even less of a connection to criminology, will appear in next season's batch of shows?

Here are my suggestions:

"Hard Times"- a beautiful PhD candidate in Geology, and a wizened old Chronologer (who never leaves his home adorned with hundreds of different types of clocks), team up to help the police solve crimes using their combined knowledge.

"Checkout"- a troubled high school student who works nights in an urban grocery store learns he has the uncanny ability to profile criminals based solely on the brand of laundry detergent and type of pasta they buy.

"Holy Rollers"- a former Baptist minister-turned street cop, and his partner, an agnostic rookie who gave up a potential career in extreme sports, are an unlikely crime-fighting duo whose theology and life-threatening acrobatics find a unique synergy.

CBS Seeks Opinions

2005-05-23T15:58:00.000-05:00

Dashed off this short email to some of the programming heads at CBS/Viacom after reading this New York Times article about revamping the CBS Evening News.

-----------

Read about the meeting last week. Sorry I couldn't make it. I've been bringing myself up to speed and wanted to share a few thoughts in anticipation of our next get-together.

Some ideas for spicing up the broadcast/increasing viewership:

**) Change the name to the "CSI Evening News," and replace entire news department with real-life forensic pathologists. Every story will not only be reported, but fingerprinted with stray fibers sent to trace for analysis.

**) Encourage the use of while instituting strict rules against performance-enhancing drugs. Conduct regular random drug tests on on-air talent as well as producers. If someone tests positive, issue a series of meaningless warnings.

**) Removing or loosening ties or removing suit jackets is not only"schticky" it is downright sexist. Let's take this to the next step and have the anchor or correspondent let the audience know they are giving tonight's report "commando."

I've also had a chance to peruse the short list of possible anchors, and let me propose a few obvious cuts:

**) Rob and Amber- overexposed for now. Besides, we have "Rob and Amber's Baby" set for the '06 May sweeps, and "Rob and Amber's UglyDivorce" in '07.

**) Art Harden- resume looked impressive, but turns out to be just an anagram for old he-who-must-not-be-named. (That also eliminates Andre Thar and Han Darter... we must do a better job of screening applicants, people. )

**) Ashton Kutcher- appeals to 18-49 female demographic (skews older), but refuses to take off ridiculous looking head-gear.

**) Andy Rooney- he has been favorably called "the octogenarian's Jon Stewart," but we have to think about shelf life.

I'm available whenever you decide to reconvene. You know where to reach me.

Yours,
B.V.

The Numbers Guy On Defining Genocide

2005-05-18T12:42:00.000-05:00

One of the few free features on the Wall Street Journal website is "The Numbers Guy" by Carl Bialik. A regular column looking at the use and misuse of numbers in the public realm, he does a good job of exploring how some incredibly wrong numbers become conventional wisdom. He has also dealt with more light-hearted subjects like the ???-lb gorilla. He found uses of the cliche with values commonly falling between 100 and 900, with some unique uses up in the hundreds of thousands.

He recently dealt with the infinitely more serious subject of the difficulty and politics behind counting the number of Armenians who died as a result of Ottoman genocide efforts in the early 20th century.

"Armenia argues that as many as 1.5 million Armenians were massacred. But Turkey says the number of dead was no more than 600,000 and possibly far fewer, and says the killings were justified as the product of armed conflicts that swept the region at the time. Scholars disagree on the number, and politics have obstructed honest statistical debate."

This matters now in one sense because Turkey is trying to become a part of the EU, and their relationship with Armenia is a major factor standing in their way. Of course, it matters simply because it was genocide.

At the end of the article, Bialik finally quotes one voice of reason who arrives at some clarity above the debate about whose number is right.

"Dennis R. Papazian writes on the Web site of the Armenian Research Center at University of Michigan-Dearborn, where he serves as director: "Does it really make the actions of Turkey better if they succeeded in killing only 600,000 Armenians and not 1.5 million? …In any case, it was genocide.""

Frankly, I had been waiting for this viewpoint throughout the piece. As I just wrote to Bialik:

A fundamental question should be: Should the appellation 'genocide' be contingent upon the degree of success with which it is carried out? Should genocide be applied to policies and action, and not results? It was clearly the Ottoman intention to wipe out the Armenians.

Continuing to focus on counting the dead in order to define genocide will only perpetuate debate after-the-fact, which will always be too late.

Binge Drinking Cure or Awesome Party Aid?

2005-05-18T11:42:00.000-05:00

A new study suggests chemicals derived from kudzu can cause binge drinkers to drink fewer beers in one sitting.

Researcher Scott Lukas thinks it causes people to feel drunk faster, thus limiting the desire for more alcohol.

Says the article: "Though kudzu won't turn drinkers into teetotalers, Lukas said, he hopes it can help heavy drinkers to cut back. "That way, they're a lot closer to being able to cut down completely.""

Somehow, I think it may not have the exact behavioral effect seen in the laboratory setting (by the way, only 14 people were tested). I can see college students popping kudzu pills before heading out to drink for the night, to get a faster buzz and keep the bar tab down. It might actually help people drink more slowly but maintain drinking for longer periods of time. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

She Blinded Me With Science

2005-05-18T09:09:00.000-05:00

This woman ("Dr. Elisabeth A. Lloyd, a philosopher of science and professor of biology at Indiana University") says the female orgasm is vestigial, and simply "is for fun."

The New York Times article also quotes Dr. John Alcock (really), who disagrees with Dr. Lloyd. He says the female orgasm isn't any fun at all.

No, what he really says is that the big O might be "an unconscious way to evaluate the quality of the male."

Its like a biological Nielsen Rating... If you don't score well during sweeps week, you'll be cancelled or at least put on 'hiatus.' Some men are CSI (formulaic but widely popular), some are Arrested Development (critically acclaimed, but with little audience), while some are Joey (lots of hype, underwhelming).

Another, sadder hypothesis is proposed by Professor Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, who postulates "Perhaps the reason orgasm is so erratic is that it's phasing out... Our descendants on the starships may well wonder what all the fuss was about."

Global warming, a new Ice Age, an asteroid hitting the Earth, the Sun going nova, the impending heat-death of the universe (see the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics)... all pale in comparison. I'm sorry, Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, I'm so sorry.

First Class Pinot Gris Via First Class Mail

2005-05-16T13:10:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON (CNN/Money) - Wineries and wine quaffers had reason to raise their glasses Monday, following a U.S. Supreme Court ruling that states cannot prohibit consumers from buying wine directly from out-of-state wineries.

Only a little over four years too late to save my wife and I from having to lug a dozen bottles of wine home with us from our honeymoon in Napa Valley.

We were the people I always hated to be on a plane with, attempting to stuff a couple overheard compartments with our booty, leaving the last people who came on board to place their bag by their feet, further limiting leg room. Oh well, it was just a domestic flight, from San Francisco to Reagan National mind you, but still domestic.

The Power of Music... In Movies

2005-05-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

Note to self while waiting for the rain delay to finish at RFK:

Explore movies in which main character uses music, a particular song, to woo, sway, or move another person or people.

Three examples off the top of my head:

Ferris Bueller lip-syncing to the Beatles “Twist and Shout” in the parade. All of Chicago sings along.

Pee-Wee Herman big-shoe dances to “Tequila” in the biker bar, and wins over the crowd of Heck's Angels, who then give Pee-Wee a motorcycle he promptly crashes into the nearest sign.

John Cusack (side topic: do any of John Cusack's characters actually have names, or is he just John Cusack in all of them) holding aloft a boom box with Peter Gabriel's “In Your Eyes” playing to win over Parker Posey (or was it Ione Skye?).

As a follow-up, was this an “80's” movie phenomenon, or are those merely the only examples I could think of?
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Very Cool Photos

2005-05-10T14:30:00.000-05:00

http://photobucket.com/albums/y213/gbmcneill/

My friend Gregg is a Photographer.

I was searching for an adjective to sticl before that title, like great, terrific, or awesome (all of which apply). I decided the term itself is enough description.

A lot of people take pictures. Some of them as a vocation. Fewer still are Photographers. And Gregg is a Photographer.

Recently, he did some film work shooting a “making of” documentary for a Western.

He took some stills as a part of the documentary. He aged some of the photos so they would look authentic for the period.

I am the proud owner of a couple framed prints of his work, and judging by these, I'll be ordering more in the near future.
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

The Island of Misfit Books

2005-05-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

As mentioned previously, we have recently moved. During the packing stage, I had the opportunity to review the contents of my library. Mrs. Valentine becomes a bit consternated (is that word right?) when I stop every 5th book to flip through it, but I enjoy reviewing books I had previously consumed, and always searching for one of those books I have not read to call my name.

The Aenied, for instance, has recently been trying to get my attention, especially since that edition of “In Our Time” I wrote about a couple weeks ago.

What I realized is that there are a few books in my collection that I will never read. These are show books and oddities, things I bought for other reasons that the story or knowledge contained therein.

The first that I came across is a two-volume edition of “Man in Structure and Function” by Fritz Kahn.

This is a very useful health and biological reference, especially if you are interested in misinformation.

Originally published as “Der Mensch Gesund Und Krank” in 1939, it took only 4 years to translate it and publish it in English. Besides the fact that this was an interesting period in history for books to be translated from German to English.

Sample passage: “Besides nicotene, tobacco smole contains several other extremely fatal poisons... It is in fact extremely surprising and at the same time characteristic of life that man can inhale a truly 'hellish' gas mixture such a tobacco smoke for hours daily over a period of years and decades without poisoning himself; indeed, he may feel himself strengthened...”

The second example is provide is simply Roget's Thesaurus. It is a 1959 paperback printing of a 1923 edition, and it preserves Paul Mark Roget's originally classification system (which has been losy or radically changed in modern editions.)

According to Roget, all words fall into six categories:
1. Words expressing abstract relations
2. Word relating to space
3. Words relating to matter
4. Words relating to the intellectual faculties
5. Words relating to the voluntary powers
6. Words relating to the sentient and moral powers.

Roget didn't invent the thesurus, he organized the words by idea rather than list them alphabetically.

There is an interesting introduction by an I.A. Richards. “For information about words we go to the dictionary- the bigger it is the better. We go to the Thesaurus in the hope that something we really know already will come back to us in our need. How vast is the realm of our current oblivion... How incredibly much we understand if only we can mobilize our understanding. Roget's Thesaurus is one of the greatest of all memoria technica. It is an astonishing thought that we can carry it in the pocket.”

These are not books anymore, they are museum pieces in some ways. The knowledge they impart may not be what the author intended. I imagine a more in-depth study of how these books came into being, and the social structure from which they emerged, would be interesting.

I also own books like Adam Smith's “The Wealth of Nations” (that is the short title) which I never intend to read, but sits on my shelf to remind me that I have a degree in Economics.

Finally, I also keep a copy of “Wherever You Go There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Its New Age Buddhist fookafka, but the title is a classic line from “Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension.”

Sometimes its not any deeper than that.
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Happy Chewbacca!

2005-05-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

My nearly 19-month old daughter did not sleep well last night. Partly, I suspect, because she is still acclimating to our new house. Partly, almost certainly, because she is recovering from a nasty bump on her forehead self-inflicted at daycare this week, and she has another ugly bruise on the tip of her right middle finger.

No, she didn't flip someone the bird and get bitten. We had the stepstool out to put away dishes in our new kitchen, and she pushed it over, falling with it and pinching her finger.

So, I was up with the cranky little girl at 5:30 Sunday morning, taking her downstairs to allow Mom and Granny (visiting) to get a couple more hours sleep. I dumped out onto the floor her collection of cards, inclduing fake credit cards, the kind you get in the mail as a part of a fabulous offer too good to miss. I went into the kitchen to start a LARGE pot of coffee, leaving Petunia quiently playing in the other room. As I was filling the reservoir, she came into the room. Walking straight to me, she handed me a small card and said matter-of-factly “Chewbacca.”

Sure enough, the card she passed me had the image of the universe's best known Wookie. It had come off the back a cereal box, along with other Star Wars characters (I did not give her the Emperor or Darth Sirius cards, since they were a bit scary looking.

Impressed, I praised her. It had been at least a week since we had those cards out. What a memory!

Eventually, Granny and Mommy came down. Mommy had been up late, then was up again with Petunia in the wee hours. So Mommy was tired and not entirely happy with the younger cranklepuss who had not slept well.

That would get me off on another topic of how those two are much alike. Clearly the petal does not fall far from the bush.

I handed Petunia the boxed bracelet to give to Mommy, which she did. I then prompted Petunia, “say 'Happy Mothers Day!'”

She just stared at Mommy. Mommy stared back. Who was going to break first? The tension mounted.

“Say 'Happy Mothers Day, Petunia,'” I ordered. Nothing. Mommy looked a little down. “Say 'Happy Chewbacca,'” I went with a proven commodity. Mommy looked slightly puzzled by my suggestion.

“Hap Chewbacca,” she responded slyly, with a little grin. Mommy laughed, said thank you and gave her little girl a hug, who returned the gesture. While we are not certain, we suspect that Mothers Day will simply be called “Chewbacca” in our home for years to come.

--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Bazooka Joe

2005-05-05T10:26:00.000-05:00

Impulse buy of a box of Bazooka Joe bubble gum in the check-out line at the grocery store a couple nights ago. I remembered the comics of course (Favorite member of Bazooka Joe's gang is Mortimer, the guy with the red turtle neck pulled up over his nose), and collecting comics to redeem for Bazooka Joe "stuff," but I had totally forgotten about the fortunes included.

Here is what has been fortold for me so far, courtesy B.J.:
"You can get what you want by asking the right person."
"Expect unexpected visitors."
"You have the ability to become outstanding in literature."
"Don't take a detour on the path to greatness."
"A surprise trip is coming your way soon."
"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"You are heading towards a choice between money or happiness."

On the whole, much better fortunes than I usually receive in cookies at Chinese restaurants. Nowadays, cookie fortunes relay vague platitudes, but offer no real advice or insight.

Bazooka Joe, on the other hand, is really making me re-evaluate my life. And my jaw is beginning to hurt from all the chewing, and sometimes gum gets stuck in my facial hair when I blow a bubble.

The PR Newswire- Review

2005-04-26T12:42:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I combed press releases on the the PR Newswire. It can be a real treasure trove of information ranging from the merely pointless or ridiculous, to heights of self-promotion, propaganda and spin.

New National Study Shows Gays More Likely Than Non-Gays to Book Travel Online
"According to a recent nationwide survey, gay, lesbian and bisexual (GLB) adults who are online are more likely to book hotel reservations through online portals than heterosexual onlineadults."

This nationwide survey contained a subsample of only N=177 GLB adults, so the margin of error is a kind of large. But I'm not going to focus on methdology. Some lines I found amusing in this release include:

"About one-half (52%) of GLB respondents were likely to visit Travelocity.com when making hotel reservations, compared to 40 percent of non-gay respondents." (Officially making Travelocity the gayest travel website).

"Many GLB online consumers rely on gay-specific travel expertise when queried on the type of resources used when planning destination travel." (I wonder what 'gay specific' is modifying here, is it the 'travel' or the 'expertise?')

Traveling gay to Lincoln, Nebraska? Then this next press release should interest you.

The Historic Cornhusker Hotel Becomes a Marriott

"The Cornhusker Hotel, in Lincoln, Neb., has been re-flagged as The Cornhusker -- A Marriott Hotel... The original Cornhusker Hotel was built in 1926 and has been a fixture in the Lincoln community for over 75 years. In 1982, the original Cornhusker was imploded, rebuilt and reopened in December 1983. The lone links from the original Cornhusker to the one that stands today are the 26 "Corn Maiden" figures that grace the atrium's interior." (Hot lonely corn maidens are waiting for you.)

Not going anywhere soon? Just going to hang out at home and watch TV? Then this next item is a private matter between you and TIVO.

'ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT' and 'THE INSIDER' Get First Exclusive Sit Down Interview With Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau

"Their relationship developed in 1996, when Mary Kay (then 34) was a sixth grade teacher in suburban Seattle, and Vili (then 12) was her student... In August 2004, Mary Kay was released from prison at the age of 42. Since then she has reunited with Vili, now 22." (Sure, I lusted in my heart after one of my six grade teachers. But a note to young men everywhere... do the math. For Vili, twenty years is going to seem like fifty in about ten.)

"Based on the popular segment on "Entertainment Tonight," THE INSIDER reports from a unique "insider" perspective, using first-person interviews, special "inside" access, "behind-closed-door" reports, and "inside information" from knowledgeable informed sources and contacts." (As opposed to reporting from an outsider perspective, using third-person interviews, and hearsay from ignorant out-of-the-loop sources... which is more IHAT's angle.)

And, finally, I'll leave you simply with this. The headline hooked me.

CDC Under Media Fire Over Bloated Obesity Deaths Stats, Notes Consumer Group

"Last week's bombshell announcement that excess weight was accountable for just 26,000 deaths each year stands in stark contrast to the bloated 400,000 deaths statistic produced by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) last year and has left many demanding answers as to why the agency made such grave errors in its calculations." (OK, the first paragraph gets a little too clever. Again, sounds like something I would have written... 'The CDC's flabby logic went a bit heavy on the numbers, resulting in a rather hefty overestimates in their final calculations. The government can blubber all it wants about science, but we know this is a big, fat mistake.')

In Our Time

2005-04-22T13:36:00.000-05:00

While the old weathered alarm clock radio in my office does a decent job of tuning in some of the local DC stations, the shows themselves are usually not conducive to work. In order to remain productive, I need music that I know well, so that my mind is not distracted trying to learn the songs. If I have some sort of talk on, the content is such that I usually end up feeling dumber by the end. And commercials of any sort are tiresome. The creative in most radio ads are worse than television.

While venturing across the BBC's website, I have recently encountered a show called “In Our Time.” The format is very simple. Presenter Melvyn Bragg chooses a single topic (from the areas of Science, History, Religion, Culture, or Philosophy), invites three scholars on that subject to his show, then discusses the topic with them for about three-fourths of an hour.

Bragg seems one of the Renaissance types, already possessing a good fundamental wide-ranging knowledge of the topics, but not a know-it-all. He leads the discussion, moving it forward when a scholar gets bogged down in minutiae, but taking time to explore an interesting tidbit. He does not assume much knowledge on the part of the listener, but certainly expects something from them.

On days that I have not had to deal with clients and my time could be spent with analysis or writing, I have streamed a few episodes from their archives, or listened to the recent topic of the week.

This week he covered the Aeneid, a work I am sad to admit I own but have never read. Many people have read Homer, but fewer Virgil.

From Bragg’s introduction to the show:

“Out of the tragedy and destruction of the Trojan wars came a man heading West, his father on his back and his small son holding his hand. This isn't Odysseus, it's Aeneas and in that vision Virgil gives an image of the very first Romans of the Empire.

Virgil's Aeneid was the great epic poem that formed a founding narrative of Rome. It made such an impact on its audience that it soon became a standard text in all schools and wiped away the myths that preceded it. It was written in Augustus' reign at the start of the Imperial era and has been called an apologia for Roman domination; it has also been called the greatest work of literature ever written.

How much was Virgil's poem influenced by the extraordinary times in which it was written? How does it transcend the political pressures of Imperial patronage and what are the qualities that make it such a universal work?”

Despite my lack of foundational knowledge, it was a very interesting programme. I have also listened to topics on Machiavelli, George Washington and the American Revolution (from the British perspective), alchemy (of course), and the Battle of Thermopylae. I find that listening to this show in my office, I can split my mind between the work at hand and understanding the discussion. It has made for some very pleasant and fast-moving days.

There is really no one like this on American radio, or television for that matter. Not that there isn’t good educational programming to be found on PBS or on some of the cable stations, but that there does not seem to be ‘public intellectuals’ anymore. NPR can be enlightening, but I would hardly call much of their programming educational.

We had a public scientist while Carl Sagan was around, and Stephen Jay Gould for a bit after that. The closest we have now is Bill Nye the Science Guy, and that is scary. I remember when he was a bit comic actor on a Seattle-based sketch show ‘Almost Live’ (aired on Comedy Central in the early 90s). But even the first two men were relegated to areas of science, and hardly people who crossed the divide between academia and the real world on all fronts.

The U.S. has such a wealth of academics and intellectuals, whose work is too often disconnected from the everyman. It would be nice to open the lines of communication between the ivory tower and the trenches more often.

The question is, who out there would be the ideal host for such a program?

The Easter Peeps Challenge- Fond Memories

2005-04-15T23:29:00.000-05:00

Google is offering a video search service now, and as an extension is accepting video submissions which will at one point be made available to the public. My first entry was a two minute, thirty second video of the 2005 Easter Peeps Challenge.

If and when the full video is made available by Google, I will link to it. Until then, Apply your imagination to this still of the new champion stuffing peeps into his mouth, then chugging a beer, all in under two minutes. My attempt at a transcript of the audio follows:

Florilegium Suburbanum (the brother-in-law and official time-keeper): And start!
Tim (the prior record holder): Actually, I think I did it in ninety seconds, didn't I?
F.S.: Shut up.
Unknown: Finish those first before you hit more peeps.
F.S.: Chug the beer, then eat more peeps.
Prurient. Interest.(Reporter #1): He's taking his time.
B.V. (director of photography): I think the chewing could get you into trouble.
P.I.: Yeah. Just swallow.
F.S.: [sarcastically] Yeah, just swallow.
C.B. (guest): Wash it down with that beer.
Tim: Wait 'til the beer hits the peeps in your stomach, man...
F.S.: Thirty seconds down.
Tim: Its like those dehydrated sponges where you add water, and they just... blow up.
F.S.: Or they turn into dinosaurs.
Tim: Yeah, they turn into dinosaurs.
B.G. (Reporter #2): You got it. You got it. You got it.
P.I.: You're so... your're so. You're in charge. You're in charge.
F.S.: He's a college student. He's used to eating disgusting shit.
laughter
B.G.: You got it.
P.I.: I think Andy has been practicing.
B.G.: You got it.
Tim: Nobody can eat 50 eggs.
B.G.: [starts chant] Andy. Andy.
Others join in: Andy.
P.I.: You're Mom will never know.
F.S.: One minute.
Mer (lobbyist SPCP, Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Peeps): uh oh.
F.S.: One minute remaining in kitchen stadium.
laughter
unknown: He's going to need to chug that whole beer.
F.S.: That's what he's got to worry about.
Tim: I'm sure I did it in ninety seconds.
F.S.: Forty-five seconds.
B.G.: You got it. You got it. Do it.
P.I.: [singing] Its the eye of the tiger, its the thrill of the fight.
B.G.: This is where you win it. This is where you win it, man.
F.S.: [falsetto singing] Its the final countdown.
B.G.: This is where you win it. This is where you win it. You got it. You can do the beer. You can do the beer.
F.S.: [breaking from singing Eye of the Tiger in the background] Thirty seconds.
B.G.: You got it. You got it. You got to win it now. You got to win it now.
B.V.: Ah, the last one's the toughest one.
unknown: Lubricate it down with the beer.
B.G.: You can do it. What's his time? What's his time?
F.S.: Fifteen seconds.
B.G.: You can do it.
unknown: Ah, no way.
B.G.: You can do it, Andy. You can do it.
F.S.: Ten seconds.
B.G.: Yes! Yes! Yes!
applause and cheers
F.S.: With five seconds left!
B.V.: Ladies and gentlemen. A new champion.
P.I.: Now he's going to go throw up. Atta boy.
B.V.: Aw, isn't that nice. The old champion congratulates the new. Yes. Very nice.
B.G.: 'Til next year
Andy: Those last two are so hard to chew. My jaw was tired.
Tim: One more time.
P.I.: Yea!
Tim: It just looks painful.
Andy: Those last two were just...
F.S.: When there was fifteen seconds and no beer drunk, I was starting to get nervous.
END

e-Vanity of e-Vanities: The Celeblog

2005-04-14T15:20:00.000-05:00

The Wednesday edition USA Today, provided free by the Omni Chicago I stayed at Tuesday night, contained a first for me. It was the only time I can recall tearing a page from USA Today so I could study it in more detail.

The page was 3D, the headline "Celebs are blogging, like they never have before."

Nice generic headline, any sub-group of America could replace "Celebs": "Serial Killers," "Banjo Players," "Hermaphrodites," and of course it would be true because NOBODY was blogging five years ago.

(That headline reminds me of a second thematic thread, which dates back to the song 'Maniac' from the movie 'Flashdance.' If you are dancing like you've never danced before, aren't you probably dancing poorly? I mean, from lack of experience? Shouldn't the line have been "She's a maniac, MANIAC on the floor. And she's dancin' with more passion and intensity than all the times she's danced before."??? On the same note, shouldn't this headline have read "Celebs are blogging in greater numbers"?)

The piece proceeds to list the name and sites of some famous bloggers: Rosie O'Donnell, Zach Braff, Pat Sajak, Dave Barry, Ian McKellen, and David Duchovny.

Truthfully, several of these are not proper blogs. Sajak writes a piece from time to time posting on issues (many political), but offers no space for feedback or comments. He is really just writing and self-publishing a column.

Same with Ian McKellen's site. He answers fan questions by posting on his website, but they are answers to selected submitted questions. There is no opportunity for dialogue.

Dave Barry seems to have an honest to goodness blog, although many of the posts seem to come from someone named "judi," he does appear to add comments and link, and includes a chat function (which again this judi person appears to be doing the chatting with the readers).

I don't care enough about Zach Braff to actually see if his is a true blog.

Duchovny's blog looks like it might actually be interesting, but I think the whole thing is a part of the marketing push for the new film he directed. Harvey Pekar's blog was interesting too, for the two weeks he made entries until they (the producers of "American Splendor") told him he could stop. I assume this blog will wither shortly after the movie opens nationwide.

Finally, Rosie's blog is real, and hosted by blogspot (as is this one). Her entries read like Larry King channeling ee cummings.

Reading this got me thinking about how to measure the vanity of a blog. Establishing my own blog as the epitome of vanity online publishing, I attempt to derive a few telling characteristics:

*) Published for no one's pleasure but the author's own.
*) Limited or no readership.
*) Less about starting a dialogue than offering one's opinion as definitive fact.

But there is something more. I think the other indicators are predicated on one's assumption that people actually give a shit what you think. Actually, I think that is characteristic from which the other three points above evolve. The belief, regardless of the facts, that your voice should be heard and considered by all.

I suppose that is the engine which has driven all creative endeavors, good and bad. The only difference is now that there are no gatekeepers to prevent the bad from expressing themselves.

Usenet Archives

2005-04-04T15:45:00.000-05:00

Once again confirming the saying that you can't outrun your past, I have searched some old Usenet groups that I may have haunted during my college years.

The Usenet was the place to be before blogs, back in the day when a thing called the "web" barely existed, and Mosaic was an interesting little piece of freeware that let you browse graphical pages in something called "hypertext markup language." Usenet groups were threaded, non-moderated discussion boards. Instead of a particular person having their own group (although there were a few who did), each group centered around a topic, and anyone was free to start a thread or continue one already on the board.

In college, besides logging into the Cleveland Freenet via a telnet session, or ftp-ing files and games from sites or back and forth with friends, there wasn't a whole heck of a lot to do on the Internet except chat. And in those days (oh boy here I go), we actually conversed in whole sentences online, for the most part.

I remember discussing an experiment with paper ketchup cups (the kind you get at some fast food restaurants where you have to pump your own ketchup), where I started unfolding the flaps of the paper cup one at a time and measuring the change in cup volume. It turns out the volume increases slightly, before dropping off to zero once all the flaps are undone. The silly notion started when I was tired of having to fill two paper cups with ketchup for my french fries (imagine the horror of having to fill two whole cups). I realized that opening up the cup a notch or two gave me some extra space to pump a little more.

Anyway, that thought actually had a home on the Usenet. I posted about it on alt.mcdonalds.

That's right, you see each Usenet group had a name, like alt.comedy.british (where I could interact with the few people in America who knew what Blackadder is), or alt.sex.clergy.kitchen.utensils (where I could, well, never mind that my lad).

You could read the newswires on the Usenet, and download pictures, so long as you had the UUDECODE software to translate ASCII text back into a gif.

What I was a little surprised to find is that people still inhabit the Usenet. Google, in another maneuver that doesn't seem to generate revenue on its face, allows users to create new groups for others to discover. Yahoo has their Groups and forums as well. But they seem to lose something in a web browser in Windows.

There was something so Wargames about a Telnet session. There was so little between you and your computer, and even less between you and what was then the Internet. Of course, there was a lot less out there, and the Internet was a much less scary place.

Fifteen years ago, Umberto Eco wrote that the Mac is a Catholic computer, because it required the church of OS to communicate with 'God.' PCs therefore, were Protestant, because DOS was a direct line to the kernal, no need for an intermediary.

He didn't write how the Internet changes this theology. It is the equivalent of changing from a geocentric to a heliocentric model of planetary motion. God isn't etched on the silicon chip in my machine. Its out there.

Anyway, after a couple crazy weeks of travel and lack of posting, I am back. Hopefully, this week will provide some breathing room to have independent thoughts. I am leaving for Chicago tomorrow, and have to start packing up our belongings for our move in a few weeks, but I'm sure there will be time.

Anyone up for a good old-fashioned "flame war"?

Pointless and Futile Gestures

2005-03-26T19:54:00.000-06:00

You might have thought after the 2004 elections we as a nation would have managed to back off a bit from the polarized state of affairs we found ourselves, and all gotten together and agreed on something big, something important. Yet, the latest season of American Idol only started with around 30 million viewers in January.

Even Hootie dressing as a gay Hank Williams cannot do this by himself, people. We are going to have to pitch in.

So I've been thinking about some causes we can all rally around. One can go two ways with this. On the negative side, I could either start a senseless panic-inducing sort of cause like killer bees or the "Summer of the Shark."

Like, have you heard about the new venereal disease that is such a strong swimmer that if you piss in a urinal shortly after someone who has the disease has pissed, the little bug will swim up your stream and infect you... and that the only way to prevent infection is to either not piss in public restrooms or if you must, piss in the sink only after you have thoroughly washed it out? You haven't heard or that? Don't worry, you will.

Or I could think up some more positive causes, like the ones in which people wear really thick rubber bands around their wrist or put colored ribbons on their lapels to help raise public awareness of rubber bands and ribbons.

Taking the positive route, I believe America will rapidly embrace my first idea, because who it affects the most are our children. What's one of the first things we teach our children, besides how to use the remote? That's right, the alphabet. Now every year, another study shows how far American children are falling behind their international counterparts in a variety of subjects. One cause of this, I believe, is our alphabet.

First of all, 26 letters... kind of an weird number, don't you think? Also, more importantly, every letter is spoken with just one syllable, except for one. The "W." The "double-u." Three syllables for one letter, and doubling a letter that is already in the alphabet. We already have a "U," what they hell do we need two of them together as a whole other letter.

I think you see where I'm going with this. Let's eliminate the "W" from the alphabet. Let's replace with our most underutilized letter, the "X." This xill make a xorld of difference.

A couple housekeeping issues related to that change: The alphabet song will go "QRS,TUV, and then comes XY and Z," and the "W" key on standard keyboards will be replaced with the smiley face emoticon.

Done and done.

Now, the second idea. I'm sure everyone has been closely following the story of the drop in value of the dollar against foreign currencies. Many so-called "economists" (called so because they have doctorates in "economics") say this is due to the U.S. trade imbalance.

I, however, hold a different theory. The fact is American currency is D-U-L-L, dull. I know they have updated the look of our bills... Andrew Jackson now looks like Christopher Lee playing Andy Warhol. Still, international audiences expect something cool and hip form America, not a line of our stodgy old greatest leaders. We still do a great job shipping our culture overseas, let's merge that culture with our money.

Snoop Dogg on the twenty, Paris Hilton on singles. We can even produce special three-dollar bills with the faces of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team (collect the whole set). Now that is currency that foreigners will want to hoard tremendous stacks of, and be begging for more!

Hell, let's not stop there. How about the government selling advertising space on our bills? Goodbye George Washington, hello Ronald McDonald. E Pluribus What?... now they will read "I'm Lovin' It." And the good old Golden Arches will replace the weird cryptic Masonic Illuminati pyramid.

Product placement is hot right now. Our leaders would be foolish not to take advantage of the opportunity. But you know they will, UNLESS the American public gets behind this and creates a groundswell of support. We need to get these ideas into channels that will reach the broadest segments possible...

OK, who wants to be in charge of getting Bob Herbert to write this up in his New York Times column? Worth its weight in gold.

And can anyone book me on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson? Now we're talking!

All right, you have your assignments. Let's get out there and change the xorld, one letter and one dollar at a time.

"We're 2,500,000th!!! We're 2,500,000th!!!" Chant It With Me!

2005-03-22T13:38:00.000-06:00

The "Bruisers" equation bracket isn't panning out so well. Although I have rounded up my exact rank to protect my identity, needless to say I am not winning the ESPN tournament challenge.

Oh Ruby, Don't Take Your Super Sampler To Town

2005-03-16T09:46:00.000-06:00

(Wow, I sent this via my blackberry over a week ago, and it now just arrived. I thought it was lost to the ether...)

I have now had two different flights over the past couple weeks with a stinky flight attendant. Not B.O., lacking deoderant, unshowered kind of stink, but a more endemic deep-rooted kind of odor. The kind you would expect their whole lives smell like, whether they just showered or got off a 12-hour shift. People who have a lot of cats, and drive old station-wagons so filled with junk there is no room left for anyone to sit but the driver.

It wouldn't be a problem if I didn't prefer aisle seats. Up and down the aisle, leaning over you to close the bins, distributing pretzels a half an ounce at a time, soft drinks 4 ounces at a time (a whole can if you're lucky), then several times to collect trash: that's a lot of opportunities to get a good strong whiff.

I did arrive in Jacksonville eventually, after one relatively pleasant-smelling leg, and one a little more malodorous.

At the Ruby Tuesday for lunch, Jimmy Buffett was on the speakers. I realize that except for the pleasant weather in the 60s, I could have been anywhere. The restaurants are the same, down the the same replicas of classic ads and toys nailed to the way. The Hilton Garden Inns are the same, same layout, same rooms (except for the magnificence of LA's Technology Room).

Nothing particularly profound about that. The standardization of the American experience regardless of location is the point of chains.

People say, “oh, you got to go the L.A. and New Orleans.” They are less impressed with Jacksonville and Detroit, this week's destinations. Still, they don't get there is little fun to be had on these trips. You travel during the day, work from 6 until 10pm, then crash at the hotel for a couple hours.

OK, so I did enjoy a late supper in the French Quarter last week, but that is an exception. Focus group travel is a lot of club sandwiches at the TGIFriday/ Bennigans/ Ruby Tuesday, trying to sleep in the back of the coach section, and microwaved burrito at midnight in your room. Actually managing a focused discussion of two dozen random people on some uninteresting topic is the easy part.

I guess the smelly flight attendants wake me up out of the trip coma. I guess I should be thankful for the olfactory assault that shocked me out of the sameness.

But what happens if they become part of the ritual? Is there some clause in the ADA which forces airlines to hire those who carry a stench?

I guess if I've accepted all other aspects of a city a day travel, I can get used to this.
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

NCAA Tourney Scatterplot

2005-03-16T08:35:00.000-06:00

The above chart plots each team by the average height and weight.

Oklahoma is closest to the average in terms of both measures.

Oklahoma State, however, are a bunch of bruisers, with a strong combination of height and weight.

Illinois is the tallest, but aren't shabby on weight either.

Eastern Kentucky is the shortest team on average, and are also the most 'compact' as a combination of height and weight. Since E KY has the short title, I'll give the official 'most compact' designation to SE Louisiana.

Alabama A&M was next shortest, but they don't matter anymore.

Iowa is the 'lankiest' team, in my view, with the an average combination of tall and lean. Syracuse and Pennsylvania are close behind in lankiness.

Finally, the most 'squat' team in my view is Niagara, but Georgia Tech and Minnesota are in the running.

I still don't have a methodology for picking the winners, although I'm still leaning heavily from going with a "Bruiser" wins method.

2005-03-15T13:25:00.000-06:00

NCAA Tourney Datasheet

NCAA Tourney Datasheet Explanation

2005-03-15T13:12:00.000-06:00

Supergeek here, trying to be cool and participate in my office March Madness competition.

I do not follow college basketball, nor professional basketball for that matter (save from time to time tuning in when the Cavs are on so I can catch LeBron). So my guesses are less educated than the average guess when it comes to predicting who will make it to the Sweet Sixteen, The Final Four, The Terrible Two, and The Wonderful One (whatever they are called).

One year, I calculated the Scrabble score for each team's name, and picked for each game which team had a higher score. Actually, I calculated the per letter average score for each team, so as not to be unfair to a team simply because they had a shorter name. I think I had Gonzaga going all the way.

This year, I'm a bit more ambitious. I have created a spreadsheet with each team's name, their conference, region, wins, losses, win %, # of players on their roster, then average weight, average height (over 6 ft), and 'experience' (a team average, they get 4 points for every Senior down to 1 point for every Freshman on the team).

I have yet to figure out exactly how I will let these numbers work for me in picking the winner. My initial thoughts are to calculate out from the average, or go with the bruisers (big and tall) and work from there, with relative ties going to the team with more experience.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

Political Smackdown (archives)

2005-03-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

(Since I exhausted myself the past few days with preparations for selling our house this coming weekend, I've decided to cop out and dip back into the archives. Back in the late 90's, anything was possible. Anyone with enough html to display their name with flaming letters on a monitor was making millions by going public. The 2000 Presidential campaign was just gearing up, professional wrestling was hotter than ever. And once again, I saw synergy. Obviously very dated, some of those mentioned are no longer with us, either politically or in this life. Cloakroom.com published this feeble attempt at humor as well (they were desperate), back in December 1999.)

OPEN MIC
What If CNN Co-Sponsored Wrestling Matches With The WWF
(Not my original title, which was "CNNWMUR Smackdown." Neither particularly funny)

By Basil Valentine, Special To
Cloakroom
National Journal Group, Inc.
thursday, Dec. 9, 1999

MEMORANDUM

TO: CNN ADVERTISERS
FROM: VINCE MCMAHON, CNN VP FOR MARKETING
RE: AN EXCITING OPPORTUNITY
DATE: DECEMBER 7, 1999
-------------------------------------

American politics and Professional Wrestling have nearly attained harmonic convergence, and now is your chance to get on the bandwagon.

The failure of traditional debate formats to spark the public imagination is accelerating the development of new ways to merge the popular sport with meaningful political dialogue. The Cable News Network is now in the planning stage of a new program in our established Newsstand format. We will simultaneously reach new viewers (in the key male 18-35 demographic), provide them with violent and sexy issues-based programming, and hopefully even energize a significant portion of the disenfranchised electorate.

Pre-production begins in January and the following first program is slated to air the night of the New Hampshire Primary.

---CNN/WWF SMACKDOWN!---
The Senate Edition

***The Battle For Minnesota***
Rod “The Bod” Grams
Vs.
Paul Well-Stonecrusher

“Senator Grams has been on the ropes recently, rocked by scandal… will the Stonecrusher use his fiery rhetoric to blow him away? You’ll know only if you stay awake long enough to find out!”

***Tag-Team Impeachment Grudge Match***
Ted “The Bed” Kennedy &
“Chokehold” Chuck Schumer
Vs.
The Masked Avenger (a.k.a. Trent Lott)
Jesse “The Body” Helms
with special guest referee- Chief Justice Rehnquist

“You just know this one is going to be good.”

***Campaign Finance Reform Steel Cage Match***
Russ “McCain” Feingold
Vs.
Mitch “PACman” McConnell

“It’s ‘Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves’ for these long-time nemeses. Watch for the PACman to use his patented Multimillion Dollar Drop (the dreaded “MDD”) to drown the Russter in a sea of soft money.”

And finally, this week’s
***Spotlight Crossover Matchup***
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Vs.
“Stone Old” Strom Thurmond

“Austin has the weight, height, strength, stamina, speed, quickness, and youth advantage. Few doubt, however, that the 97-year old Thurmond will find some way to survive.”

------

Many of you have expressed concerns about the “excessive” violence used in these bouts. Rest assured that following every match, the contestants will denounce their opponent[s] for the violence employed, thus absolving themselves, the viewers, and the advertisers from any ethical responsibility. We all win!

And the merchandising opportunities are endless! What child wouldn’t love to play with a Max “The Maxx” Cleland action figure, wear a “Diamond” Jack Lew T-shirt, or perhaps best of all pit “The Nature Boy” Al Gore against “Gorgeous” George W. Bush on their Sony Playstation or Super Nintendo?

The year 2000 offers many new opportunities for all of us. If this endeavor is as much of a success as we think it will be, watch for a House of Representative NASCAR circuit to gear up by mid-summer, and the Supreme Court exhibition baseball game against Cuba sometime in September or October.

Stuck In My Head

2005-03-09T09:48:00.000-06:00

"Ruby" by Kenny Rogers and First Edition

"Oh Ruuuuubeeeee, don't take your love to town."

I think the seed was planted when I ate at Ruby Tuesdays for lunch on Monday. The same effect might have occured if I had eaten at a Kenny Rogers restaurant, but alas there are none in Florida of which I know.

There could be worse things, I suppose. In fact, I wish my subconscious could provide an entire Rogers Revue. Not just "The Gambler," or the "Islands in the Stream," but older hits like "Just Checked In To See What Condition My Condition Was In," and the classic "Reuben James."

"The faded shirt,
the weathered brow,
the calloused hands upon the plow.
I loved you then and I love you now,
Reuben James."

Leaving Motown this morning, headed back to DC. Maybe my mind could throw in a little Smokey Robinson too as I fitfully sleep in coach all the way back.

Just please, no Wiggles.
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

Attack of the Clones- A Good Thing

2005-03-08T07:30:00.000-06:00

Much hay was made yesterday of Martha's re-emergence into the public eye. Many commentators noted during her speech at the global headquarters of Omnimegamediacorp that she failed to wear the electronic tracking ankle bracelet, a condition of her release.

More ominous, for me, was the presence of Susan Lyne, the CEO who mysteriously appeared and was installed at the top of the Stewart empire while the leader was in the pokie.

<A href”http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/050307/480/nyma11503072105”>Pictured here</a>, Lyne stands behind Stewart as she addresses the troops.

My theory is that Stewart had in fact perfected human cloning in one of her test kitchens, using that technology to send a duplicate of herself to prison for her. She then assumed the Susan Lyne persona, and with a little plastic surgery, emerged to continue running the company.

A similar ploy was used by Blofeld in “Diamonds Are Forever,” with less success.

In fact, who is in charge of Bond villians currently? Mark Burnett already scooped up her TV rights, but now may be a good time to tie down Martha services on the big screen. She would make a delicious nemesis for whoever takes up after Pierce Brosnan.
--------------------------
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

The Flawless Fusillade

2005-03-04T23:04:00.000-06:00

William Powers writes a column for National Journal called Off Message, which according to their website "examines the rapidly changing intersection of politics, media and popular culture."

His latest column, "Storm Troopers," takes a tongue-in-cheek look at the increasing popularity of the phrase 'perfect storm' in what is supposed to be political discourse in this country. National Journal is subscription, but I'm sure they won't mind a few pull quotes to entice new readers to pay up.

"Sen. Rick Santorum, R-PA., was on CBS not long ago talking [PDF] about Social Security reform. Santorum said we need reform because of 'this perfect storm of low birthrates, people living longer, and then the Baby Boom generation retiring.'

You could almost picture the storm, too, with all those birthrates and retirees swirling around inside it.

Who said great oratory is dead?

'I sometimes refer to what's happening in health care as the perfect storm,' Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., revealed in a recent speech. Eloquent, yes, but this was eloquence with a purpose... By adopting language one would expect to hear from, say, Rick Santorum, Clinton was subtly reaching out to voters on the right and repositioning herself exactly where she needs to be -- smack in the center of American politics...

...Whatever the reason, it's certainly good to have the perfect storm back. Because, really, why bother inventing new metaphors and similes? Why try to express an idea a little differently from the way it's been expressed ten thousand times before? Most of life is stale and familiar, and language should mirror this grim reality. Freshness and originality are fraudulent."

He generally takes the cynical, smart-assed tone I aspire to, and this column was a perfect sto..., I mean contained many of the elements I enjoy so.

I dropped him a note today complimenting him on his observations, and added some of my own suggestions:

"I agree that banal, clichéd, hackneyed language is the only clear way to healing the wounds that slice across our national discourse. The phrase is the oratorical equivalent of fiber in your diet. It adds bulk and weight, has no nutritional value, and leads to great expulsions of gas...

These variations can breathe new life and keep the 'perfect storm' with us for years to come:

Culminating gale,
Supreme tempest,
Flawless fusillade,
Utter tumult, and
Absolute hubbub.

But what of our relationship with the rest of the world? Our nation's nattering class needs to be reaching out to allies old and new with shopworn phrases that speak in their language. Altavista's "BabelFish" translator (world.altavista.com) suggested the following:

German- vollkommener Sturm
Italian- tempesta perfetta
Portugese- tempestade perfeita
Spanish- tormenta perfecta

I say, why stop there? Let's co-opt and drain of any cultural significance other popular book and movie titles. I think Million Dollar Baby has the potential to become ingrained in annual federal budget arguments."

He dropped a nice note back, including this tidbit:

"I received an email today from a congressional staffer who confessed he had just used the phrase in a letter from his boss to the President. The letter was defending poverty programs. The poor are battered by a flawless fusillade of economic insults, it seems."